Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."
She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.
Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"
Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.
Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."
"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.
"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.
"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.
"Yes."
"Do farts have lumps?"
"No. Why do you ask."
"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."

2006-11-22 08:55:32 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!"

2006-11-22 08:53:49 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who the devil am i???

2006-11-22 08:47:19 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is walking down a path. He comes to a fork in the road. One of the paths leads to his destination, the other leads to his death... yet he does not know which one. There are two brothers, each infront of the start of each path. One brother ALWAYS LIES and one brother ALWAYS TELLS THE TRUTH. The man walking can only ask ONE (1) question to ONE brother in order to figure out which is the right path to walk down. What should this question be?

Take your time...no stupid answers and GOOD LUCK!!

2006-11-22 08:46:42 · 21 answers · asked by simon_99_9 2

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that it appears to have lettuce coming out of his ****!
The doctor tells him to drop his trousers and bend over so that he can examine him.
The doctor takes a look and exhales, so the man who is a little concerned by now, asks "Is it serious, doctor?"
"I'm afraid it is," he replies, "because all I can see is the tip of the Iceberg!?!"

2006-11-22 08:44:29 · 31 answers · asked by Sea Fever 1

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to
be eight again." she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

2006-11-22 08:43:58 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

the barman said what kind would you like, we have Johnie Walkers.Teachers, we even have a whiskey called after you and the white horse said, What Eric?

2006-11-22 08:42:39 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes to a brothel. He selects a girl, pays her £200 up front and gets undressed. She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarm rings.
She runs out of the room with his £200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her. He's searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her.
By this time, the firemen are there. He sees one of them and asks, "Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with £200 in her hand?"
The fireman says, "No!"
The guy then says, "Well if you see her, scre* her. It's paid for."

2006-11-22 08:37:05 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-22 08:30:04 · 8 answers · asked by Mr Cynical 5

So i asked them what the were doing, and the man said "im going to a fancy dress party as a snail ". so i said whos that on your back?. and he said "Oh thats michelle!"

2006-11-22 08:29:01 · 25 answers · asked by wilson picket 2

2006-11-22 08:27:34 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy, the Irishman has been in Germany looking for work, and on returning to the Emerald Isle, his drinking buddies pressed him for stories about his trip into the big, wide world.
"I stepped off the boat in Hamburg," said Paddy "and there was this b.i.g redhead waving to me as I walked ashore. "Hey Irish!" she shouted, "how would you like to come with me for the time of your life?"
Next morning she brought me breakfast in bed, a bloody feast I had. But I was starting work that day, so I put on my coat and set off down the stairs. This girl called after me, "Hey Irish" How about some Marks?" "So I gave her nine out of ten. " :)

2006-11-22 08:26:49 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok so this 5th grade boy comes home from school and says to his mom "mom i had sex with my teacher today" and his mom goes " what? i want you to go tell your father this" so the little boy goes to his dad and says " i had sex with my teacher today" and the dad goes " alright lets go get you that new bike you wanted. so they go to the bike store and buy the bike the little boy has always wanted and the dad says " so do you wanna ride your bike home?" and the boy says " no my butt still hurts from my teacher"

2006-11-22 08:26:29 · 5 answers · asked by devilskier909 2

What did the cowboy say to the pencil?

JOKE OF DA DAY. + this is my final question im allowed to ask today........ so

2006-11-22 08:23:59 · 4 answers · asked by yyyeah. 1

There's a boy who can't see very well without glasses when he sees a pill bottle in the garbage.

So he opens it and sees $1,000,000 and takes it inside his room and hides it under the bed.

When his mom comes in to tell him she's going out with dad.

So he says okay and they leave so he takes the money iout and is gonna go to buy stuff but instead sets it back under his bed.

then his mom comes back and sees and asks what the bottle of viagra was doing under the bed and he says it's a bottle of a million dollars!

2006-11-22 08:21:17 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champagne bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Can you guess the correct answer?

2006-11-22 08:17:29 · 12 answers · asked by Mark B 1

2006-11-22 08:11:28 · 9 answers · asked by Its not me Its u 7

A man and a woman are enjoying a few drinks at a bar. They soon realise they're both doctors, and after several more drinks the man decides to try his luck. "Listen," he says, "how about we go back to mine and do the wild thing tonight?"
The woman agrees, and they leave. Back at the house, the woman strips off, walks to the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to conduct major surgery. Ten minutes later she's done, and she returns to the room where the pair have sex.
"You're a surgeon, aren't you?" says the man, just moments after finishing.
"I am," replies the woman. "How did you know?"
"It was the scrubbing up before we started," he says.
"Makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anaesthetist, aren't you?"
"Wow," says the man, but "how on earth did you know?"
"I didn't feel a thing....." :)

2006-11-22 08:05:30 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

first off almost all preschoolers who were asked this got it right. Though, everyone i've met it took them forever to get it right!

what's greater that God
more evil than the devil
the poor have it
the rich need it
and if you eat it you will die?

first right gets 10 points

2006-11-22 07:57:47 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

He was taken to the local hospital , where the doc prescribed viagra. His wife said "will that cure it?"" No" said the doc "but it will help to keep the sheets of him tonight"

2006-11-22 07:52:06 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok so there's a vampire and he meets up with someone and he takes them to his castle and decides to drink their blood while they're there.


But when he goes over there they're awake.

So he walks around a bit and goes and checks again but they're still awake so finaly he couldn't wait so he goes in and is about to yell when he sees them asleep.

So he goes to drink their blood when they wake aup and tell stop and he asks why?

So they say they'll pay him monthly.

2006-11-22 07:50:16 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fisherman is sorting through his catch on the edge of a lake when a man sprints up to him, obviously in some distress. "Help me please," he gasps. "My wife is drowning and I can't swim." He points out to a distant figure, splashing around pathetically, 100mts from the shore. "Please save her, I'll give you a hundred quid if you do."
Nodding, the fisherman dives into the water. In a few powerful strokes, he reached the woman, puts his arm around her and swims back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man he looks up at him.
"Okay," he says, regaining his breath, "where's my hundred quid?"
The man frowns back at him. "Look", he says. "When I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket. "Just my luck," he says, "How much do I owe you?"

2006-11-22 07:49:33 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.The x way...?
2.strich groound...?
3.at the . of no...?

2006-11-22 07:47:15 · 7 answers · asked by Tony C 1

A man is hiking with his kids when they see him get bit by a snake.

Just erlier he had bought his wife a lamberguinie and they were living in a pre paid mansion.

So the kids come while hee's in the hospital and tell him:

Dad why'd you make a deal with the devil?!

2006-11-22 07:44:25 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Job title-- Mud Flap.

2006-11-22 07:43:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

looked up his family tree




and a monkey s.hit in his face.


apologies .....

2006-11-22 07:38:58 · 15 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Two Irishmen, Paddy and Seamus were walkin through Calcutta when an old woman wanders past.
"Hey Seamus, says Paddy, "I tink that's Mother Teresa."
"Rubbish," says Seamus.
"I'm tellin you it was," says Paddy.
To settle the argument, they approach the lady and ask her.
"Are you Mother Teresa?"
The old woman eyes them scornfully.
"Pi*s off, you peverts," she hisses.
"Jeez," Paddy says, watching her disappear into the crowd.
"Now we'll never know." :)

2006-11-22 07:31:05 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

2006-11-22 07:30:04 · 9 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Not too funy but I made it up.

Its MY joke and no one can take it from me :P

2006-11-22 07:30:00 · 11 answers · asked by 12ated12 2

The supervisor of a local firm is somewhat startled when his secretary bursts into his office and demands to file a complaint of sexual harassment against a man who works in the same department.
"What on earth did he do?" asks the concerned boss.
"It's not what he did, it's what he said!" she shrieks. "He said that my hair smelt nice!"
"And what's so wrong with telling you that?" asks the supervisor, confused.
"He's a midget," huffs the woman. :)

2006-11-22 07:23:54 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous