Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree. Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........

2006-11-22 14:27:39 · 12 answers · asked by ? 4

2006-11-22 14:24:49 · 6 answers · asked by Vilady5 2

why did you click on my question?

2006-11-22 14:24:34 · 6 answers · asked by the soccer guy 3

2006-11-22 14:17:04 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and her and asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning?!"

2006-11-22 14:14:17 · 13 answers · asked by ? 4

2006-11-22 14:11:45 · 5 answers · asked by jazi 5

2006-11-22 13:54:40 · 7 answers · asked by bwooten28 1

. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of
water?"


One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his
voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room"
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy"

2006-11-22 13:46:48 · 14 answers · asked by Jenns705 2

Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined, to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger cooled, and I decided to give the driver another chance.

During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's windshield:

"Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!"

2006-11-22 13:43:05 · 17 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

Here
I am
get
no
in.
within,
tap
ring
five
times
you

2006-11-22 13:40:21 · 5 answers · asked by lemonz 2

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is
Hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day
Promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
Backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

2006-11-22 13:39:02 · 7 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

She gets a tour of heaven by an angel. They get to a wall full of clocks. The angel tells her "Each clock represents a person. Every time the person says a lie, the hand moves. For example, this clock here is George Washington's. It moved only once. This clock moved twice. It is Abraham Lincoln's."
Hillary asked where her husband Bill's clock is.
The angel answered "That one we use as a ceiling fan in the executive office."

2006-11-22 13:36:36 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

I read that ten out of two are dyslexic.

2006-11-22 13:34:35 · 15 answers · asked by Sanjay R 1

After 2 years of debate the USA medical board decided the glans on the end of a penis was to give the man more pleasure......After 1 year of debate the UK medical board decided the glans on the end of a penis was to give the woman more pleasure....After 2 hours debate the Irish medical board decided..... It was to stop the hand slipping off the end!!

2006-11-22 13:32:37 · 6 answers · asked by kev3753 1

A husband was sitting and staring at his marriage certificate for hours.The wife came and ask,"why are you staring at that crap for so long?" And the husband replied,"I'm looking for the expiry date."

2006-11-22 13:32:25 · 22 answers · asked by Sanjay R 1

okay this guy comes to a hotel on saturday, stays there for three days and leaves on saturday how is this possible?
this is an old one

2006-11-22 13:31:41 · 12 answers · asked by aleiva_ musica! 2

What do you think?

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

_____

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and
his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the men ,"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?"

_____

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The
salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he
is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he
deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the
counter.

She says: confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this: yesterday, I sent my wife to
the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin
of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much
cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own...so does she."

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of
yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

_____

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day - 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men."

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you
would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to
you!" _____

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM" and left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
draft before the masterpiece .

2006-11-22 13:31:36 · 16 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Nothing! whew! that was a relief.

2006-11-22 13:29:48 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

now get back to work.

2006-11-22 13:25:50 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why guys think a lot, and girls talk a lot???

Because men have two heads, and women two mouths.

2006-11-22 13:11:44 · 9 answers · asked by tfrosts 2

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair just the same..."
Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

2006-11-22 13:07:39 · 18 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

2006-11-22 13:06:11 · 8 answers · asked by love life 2

A guy with a 25-inch p*n*s went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this anymore! It's too long."

The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor , she can help you."

So, he went to see the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and you will find a female frog there. Ask her to marry you. She'll say "No", and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, “Will you marry me?"

"No!", she said. He lost 5 inches off his member!

The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"

The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.

So he asked again, "Will you marry me?"

And the frog said, "How many time do I have to tell you . .. NO! NO! NO!"

2006-11-22 12:58:32 · 20 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

If you from tha south let it b known

2006-11-22 12:49:38 · 4 answers · asked by Daddy 1

Q. Why do cannibals never eat clowns?


A. Because they taste funny.

2006-11-22 12:41:08 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two monkeys are in the bath.

One says:

'Ooh! ooh! ee! aah! aah!'



The other replies:

'Well put some cold water in!'

2006-11-22 11:43:45 · 22 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

2006-11-22 11:36:57 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

he orders a double whisky, finishes that, then another and another

after several more drinks the barman starts to get worried, and he wals over to the man and says 'listen, you sure are drinking a lot - whats wrong'

the irishman says 'i had a fight with my wife and she said that she wouldnt talk to me for a month'

the barman says 'oh, thats terrible'

man says 'i know, tonights the last night'

2006-11-22 11:36:12 · 17 answers · asked by tony h 4

Why do people have so many inside jokes? Theyre really wierd and they dont make sense a lot of the time.

2006-11-22 11:33:21 · 19 answers · asked by smiffy_nooga 1

A. Talk ur feelings directly to her.
B. Impress her by doing something stupid.
C. Try to serenade her favorite song.
D. Talk something that she is interested in.
E. Get her attention by talking to her.

Choose any of the letters.

2006-11-22 11:30:25 · 12 answers · asked by darthchris316 3