Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Magician Jokes Other than the one with the Parrot....
Also interested in Magic One Liners if you have any to spare. Thanks in advance for your time.

2006-11-22 04:41:43 · 2 answers · asked by John P 3

A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

" My love," he wrote " we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted? "

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!"

"First let's see you play that harmonica!"

2006-11-22 04:33:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ann and Joe are walking in the woods. Ann goes behind a bush for a p*ss. Joe hears her pull her knickers down and puts his hand through the bush and between her legs and feels something hanging,

'Ann have you changed your sex'?

'No, ive changed my mind and im having a sh*t!'

2006-11-22 04:32:14 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 salesmen come to town for a convention & find the last hotel in town with only one room, the room is $30 so they agree to split the cost of the room for the night and pay $10 each. After they go to the room the manager realizes the room was only supposed to be $25 and not $30 so he sends the Bagboy up to the room with a $5 refund for the 3 salesmen. When the bagboy gets there and explains the situation, each of the salesmen take back $1 each, and give the bagboy a $2 Tip...Here is the Question:
If each of the salesmen took back $1, that means they paid $9 each for the room.... so if $9 multiplied by three is $27...plus the $2 Tip they gave to the Bagboy ($27+$2=$29)
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OTHER DOLLAR?

2006-11-22 04:20:51 · 16 answers · asked by John P 3

Little Johnny goes 2 school, and the teacher says,"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words,class.D oes anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says,"Wow , little Johnny that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says,"No miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl--job."

2006-11-22 04:14:08 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do blondes and the Bermuda Triangle have in common? They have both swallowed alot of semen..........keep smiling

2006-11-22 04:10:12 · 20 answers · asked by man with the golden gun 4

one day larry's mother-n-law had a massive stroke and went to the hospital. once larry got there the doctor said" I have good news and bad news, what do you want first?" Larry said " Ok give me the bad news first." the doctor said,"ok your mother-n-law is probably going to live for 20 more years but the stroke unabled her to talk, eat or go to the bathroom by herself so you will have to hand feed her and clean her up for twenty more years and all the sounds she makes are horrible screeching noises." Larry goes,"That is terrible! What is the good news?" the doctor goes," Oh I was just playin' with you. She died."

2006-11-22 04:03:16 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan

2006-11-22 04:02:43 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

wo terrorists are chatting. One of them opens his wallet and flips through pictures.

"you see, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."

The second terrorist says, gently,
"Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

2006-11-22 04:00:08 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the
operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."


The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything
inside them is in alphabetical order."


The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers, those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would."


But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no
spine, and the head and *** are interchangeable."

2006-11-22 03:54:31 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-22 03:53:00 · 16 answers · asked by tinkerbell 2

A man returns from Africa feeling very ill. He visits his doctor, who immediately rushes the guy to the intensive care unit at the local hospital. The man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone and answers it. “We’ve received the results from your tests,” says the doctor on the other end of the line. “Bad news—you have Ebola.” “Oh, my God,” cries the man. “Doc! What am I going to do?” “Don’t worry. First, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, and pita bread,” says the doctor. “Will that cure me?” “No, but it’s the only food we’ll be able to get under the door.”

2006-11-22 03:51:39 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q:What do you call something that is 12 inches long and hangs infront of an ********?

A:Tony Blair's TIE!!

2006-11-22 03:51:25 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

shall we go over to England for a while. We can't go there we have no work to go to. Ah says Paddy that's were your wrong, I just read in the paper about a town over there, it says that there are two thousand jobs in Jeopardy. !!!!

2006-11-22 03:50:41 · 14 answers · asked by Shredder 6

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.
He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you idiot, it's Tony Blair!"

2006-11-22 03:48:36 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dorothy is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying. One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The attendant apologises and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do. The next day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit. She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?" "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the attendant replied. He continued, "After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around."

2006-11-22 03:36:19 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

2006-11-22 03:31:05 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

You haven't held the pillow down for long enough.

2006-11-22 03:30:12 · 16 answers · asked by Caroline. 2

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said,"did santa bring it to you ?"

"Yep," the little boy said,"he sure did!"

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, "Next year,tell santa 2 put a license plate on the back of it .

To go along with the cop the little boy said,"Nice horse you got there sir,did santa bring it to you?"Yes, He sure did," "Next year tell santa to put the d--k underneath the horse instead of on top."

2006-11-22 03:27:22 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-22 03:22:33 · 8 answers · asked by bestofintent 2

A guy phones up his boss' house, but gets the boss' wife instead. He asks to speak to her husband.

"I'm afraid he died earlier today," she says.

The next day, the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you," the wife replies, "he died yesterday."

The next day, he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time, the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I've already told you twice that he died. Why do you keep calling?"

"Because," he replies, laughing, "I just love hearing it!"

2006-11-22 03:17:21 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" "Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states.

Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!". "Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos."

2006-11-22 03:16:36 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.

After a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warn and happy the little sparrow began to sing.

Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleaned away the manure, he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of **** is not necessarily your friend.
3) If you are warm and happy, keep your mouth shut.

2006-11-22 03:14:40 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Went to the doctor today said "iv got chapped lips,can u cure them" doc said "go down to the stables down the road lift up the horses tail and kiss its ***" "will that cure doc i asked" errr no but it will stop you lickin your lips...........

2006-11-22 03:13:58 · 10 answers · asked by man with the golden gun 4

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"

Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

2006-11-22 03:07:45 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein - Conceited

2006-11-22 02:55:25 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

He asked me " Why don't people in Brownsville, Texas play the lottery"?

His response “ People here do not play the lottery because they are afraid to lose their food stamps if they win"!

I thought that was hilarious and I work in Brownsville, Texas.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

2006-11-22 02:53:28 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other

2006-11-22 02:51:21 · 5 answers · asked by red.one9luv 2

yo moma is so fat whean she jumed into yhe ocean she made hurican katrencome
or
your momy so poar she lives undear a breadg

2006-11-22 02:49:34 · 16 answers · asked by Nisar 1

3men are waiting to play golf and talking {bragging} about their sons. "my son is so amazing , he is a car salesman he told me he gave his speacil friend 2 cars for a random act of kindness.The second man sayed "my son is a famous banker, he told me that he gave his speacil friend $1000 dollars as a random act of kindness,and the 3rd man said"well i am not pleased with my son because we forund out he is gay.But he must be doing something right because he told me as a random act of kindness he got 2 cars and $1000!

2006-11-22 02:36:11 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous