Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

He walks over and says, "Excuse me miss, did you know that red indian men are known to have the largest penises of all races, and that Russian men are the best lovers"
The woman flashes him a piercing glance and retorts " Listen stranger, thats one hell of an opening statement to make to a lady that you dont even know"
The man smiles and replies "I do appologise, let me introduce myself, my name is Tonto Vladikov"

2006-11-23 04:40:08 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-23 04:39:13 · 10 answers · asked by 2 good 2 miss 6

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather

curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the
older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day
he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind
the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to
his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then
he started kissing and hugging her I figured 'Sis must be getting
sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so
too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart,
just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the
doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess
he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started
panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have
been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis
got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide
down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started.
I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick, a big eel had
gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants
and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed
it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she
got really scared her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open,
and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it
was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the
ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and
grabbed it with both hands tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she and held it tight while he took a muzzle
out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it
from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could
get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel.
The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and
squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they
wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend
got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just
hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and
her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went
back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again.
By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to
fight again. I guess eels are like cats they have 9 lives or
something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting
on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the
eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin
off and flush it down the toilet!!!

2006-11-23 04:38:51 · 6 answers · asked by Dr Doom 5

Here's the riddle:
A fly and a flea were in a flue, they were imprisoned so what could they do?
Said the fly," Let us flee!"
What did the flea say? Can you figure it out?

2006-11-23 04:37:49 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

yo mama is so fat she had to be baptisted at seaworld

yo mama is so fat she took all the seat in movie theater

yo mama is so old she babysat cain and abel

yo mama is so old she had moses in her yearbook

yo mama is so old she was the waitress at the last supper

2006-11-23 04:27:48 · 12 answers · asked by sum guy 1

2006-11-23 04:19:03 · 10 answers · asked by lady_clara_79 1

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type? I had no idea!"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still completely confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

2006-11-23 04:18:30 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why are blondes like a door knob?...........cause everybody gets a turn.............................keep smiling

2006-11-23 04:17:22 · 9 answers · asked by man with the golden gun 4

2006-11-23 03:55:54 · 12 answers · asked by nemesis_hatebreeder 1

she had remained a virgin? Trivia contest at work and I cant find the answer anywhere!! It sounds familiar but I dont remember the answer!

2006-11-23 03:37:56 · 4 answers · asked by the WOG 3

2006-11-23 03:37:40 · 25 answers · asked by Ash 1

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers.The first woman says "My husband works as a marriage counsellor.He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic.He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband is a sales man. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

2006-11-23 03:29:14 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm not trying to be mean but why do people type 'L1K3 D1S 4N DAT OMGZ!!!'

2006-11-23 03:26:26 · 7 answers · asked by teentitanliz 2

a rich women had three happily married daughters. 1 day she thought of testing her son-in-laws. she called her first son-in-law to her house. while walking down the lake in her house, she pretended to trip and fell into the lake. she sharted shouting "help! i can't swim, help". the son-in-law dived into the lake and saved her. the next day there was a brand new toyota infront of his house with a card saying thank-you signed, your mother-in-law. she did the same thing to the second son-in-law and he saved her. the next day there was a brand new mitsubishi infront of his door with a card saying thank you signed your mother-in-law. it was the turn of the third son-in-law, but he didn't save her and the mother-in-law died. the next day there was a brand new ferari with a car that said thank you signed, your father-in-law

2006-11-23 03:26:17 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few feet away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, Apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

2006-11-23 03:25:14 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."

"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

"That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"

2006-11-23 03:18:29 · 16 answers · asked by smile♥ 3

Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories. One man says, "I had the worst Freudian slip the other day."

The other man responds, "What the hell is a Freudian slip?" "You know," says the first man. "It's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about.

Like the other day I was at the airport, and this really sexy lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I asked her for 'two pickets to Tittsburgh." The second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the orange juice, but instead I said, 'You ruined my life, b1tch!'"

2006-11-23 03:16:39 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

im kind of worried because if he hasnt been released whose going to get me a present???!!

2006-11-23 03:16:15 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The fish got battered.........keep smiling

2006-11-23 03:09:32 · 9 answers · asked by man with the golden gun 4

A man takes his father to the doctor.

At the office, the doctor tells the old man, "I'm sorry, sir, but you have lung cancer. You'll be dead in a year."

On the way home, the old man turns to his grief-stricken son and says, "Quit all that cryin'! I'm not depressed. I've lived 75 great years. How 'bout you and me go to my favorite bar and have a couple beers with my friends?"

So while the guys are having their beers, the old man breaks the news to his friends. "Fellas," he says, "I'll be dead in a year 'cause I got AIDS."

On the way home, his son asks, "Dad, why did you lie to your friends?"

His dad replies, "'Cause when I die, I don't want them trying to **** your mother!"

2006-11-23 03:08:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.
The husband says, "Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now."
"But I see you looking at other women....," pleaded his wife, "and I want to be as attractive as they are to you."

Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, "Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, roll up some toilet paper, then rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time."

"You think that'll make my breasts larger!?" asked his wife.

"Why not?" says the husband, "It worked on your @rse!"

2006-11-23 03:06:58 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-23 02:58:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-23 02:51:16 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

2006-11-23 02:48:15 · 5 answers · asked by G 1

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate soft cheese, shell fish, and didn't get tested for diabetes.


Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking .

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.


Riding 2 up on your bike was a way of life.


We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.


We shared a bottle of pop with four friends, all drank from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank fizzy drinks with SUGAR in it, but we weren't overweight because......


WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! NOT IN FRONT OF A TV AND PLAYING VIDEO GAMES!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.


No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.


We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!





We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents .

We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

The boys were given toy guns for their 10th birthdays,

made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out anyones eyes.



We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!


The local team had tryouts and not everyone got in. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!


This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!


The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.


We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned


HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!


And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.


and while you are at it, forward it to anyone born from 1980 onwards so they will know how brave you are!!!

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

2006-11-23 02:47:24 · 15 answers · asked by choosinghappiness 5

A husband leans over to his wife in a bar and says, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over 50 years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says. "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good, idea!" she says.

There's a man sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them behind the tavern. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the man has ever seen. This goes on for about 40 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The man is amazed. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. As the couple passes the man, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years, ago that wasn't an electric fence."

2006-11-23 02:44:58 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-23 02:39:21 · 4 answers · asked by afrika 4 1

now finish a sentence then the next person do a sentence.so on and so forth

2006-11-23 02:28:12 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-23 02:26:41 · 10 answers · asked by Kojak 2. 2

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

2006-11-23 02:09:39 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous