Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

2006-11-23 06:57:43 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

been on a plane before, when we got on she said "wow look down there at those teeny weeny people". Five minutes later a family of midgets got on board. !!!!!!

2006-11-23 06:57:07 · 21 answers · asked by Shredder 6

Donna arrived home from work early one day and found her husband, Glen, in bed with another woman. "That's it!" she shouted, "I'm leaving and I'm not coming back!"

"Wait honey," Glen pleaded, "Can't you at least let me explain?"

"Fine, let's hear your story," Donna replied.

"Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing," explained Glen.

"I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the dress that I bought you last year that you never wore, the pair of shoes you bought but never used and even gave her some of the turkey you had in the refrigerator but didn't serve to me."

"Then," Glen continued, "I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was walking down the step, she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"

2006-11-23 06:45:01 · 18 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost
for a tooth extraction.

£85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

£85!!! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

That's the normal charge," said the dentist .

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off.

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an
anesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price
could drop to £40".

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the
extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist.
"I'll charge you £5. But it's going to be very traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye
confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

2006-11-23 06:34:23 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later.

The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote: "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote: "I'm drowning, you moron!"

2006-11-23 06:31:19 · 23 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

man farts and shouts " 1 nil " ... wife squeezes one out and shouts "1 all " when it gets to 2 each, the man follows through and sh--ts the bed. wife says "what was that" ? man replies "half time, swap sides" !!!

2006-11-23 06:26:03 · 22 answers · asked by jo w 4

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an
overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing
their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman
bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and
she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and
told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say
to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

2006-11-23 06:20:26 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.


Captain: Who's car is this?

2006-11-23 06:14:50 · 28 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said, "I have to sleep with Daddy."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."


A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great!

"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

2006-11-23 06:13:30 · 10 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday.
How does he do it?

2006-11-23 06:12:13 · 9 answers · asked by babegirl 1

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man.

"How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive

2006-11-23 06:10:44 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

you know, to fill in those awkward "family" moments and to inject some humor when someone starts to fight :-)

jokes about turkey, squash, pilgrims, etc. are some of my ideas.

I'm coming prepared this time :-)

Oh. P.S. there will be children present so G rated would be good

2006-11-23 06:10:34 · 4 answers · asked by ♪ ♫ ☮ NYbron ☮ ♪ ♫ 6

2006-11-23 06:01:38 · 3 answers · asked by XoSexierDenYewXo 1

Last week, I went on vacation to visit my aunt on her farm.

On the first day, one of her chickens died so we had chicken for dinner.

On the second day, one of her pigs died so we had pork for dinner.

On the third day, her husband died so I left before dinner.



A pedestrian was walking along the street looking for a better mode of transport, like a bus or tram.

He spots a taxi coming in his direction. He stands on the side of the road and shouts: "Taxi!"

The Taxi driver drives past and shouts back: "Pedestrian!"

2006-11-23 06:00:38 · 10 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Whats a penguins favourite band??

Answer: Seal

2006-11-23 05:51:43 · 5 answers · asked by sugar cherry hooters 2

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"




A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.

I replied in a psychotic tone, I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

2006-11-23 05:44:19 · 34 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Information was put on yesterday afternoon (UK time) by an American girl I believe, about turkey stuffing and innuendo. Had example like ; open up the legs and stuff it in, etc etc. Can you help? Thanks.

2006-11-23 05:25:35 · 3 answers · asked by pniccimiss 4

PEE POTTY

2006-11-23 05:14:58 · 6 answers · asked by S 2

Well I am a BLONDE but i love jokes about them




Who will fall first to the ground?The blonde or the Brunette


The brunette b/c the Blonde needs to stop for directions!



The blonde walked in the store to get her hair perm.She is one of thoses girls that need things in her ears to LIVE.Well,when she gets there she needs to take them off.She screams NO!It's something I must live for! But the lady takes it off.She but the things for the ears her ears and started saying Breath in breath out!Hahah and yes the Blonde did die
Oh another classic I made up (well unless somebody else did it before me)

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

2006-11-23 05:14:08 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

the other day and said , doc , can you do anything about my beer belly , he said , lets have a look , --- blimey he said , if that belly was on a woman she'd be pregnant , i said , it has been , and she is !!

2006-11-23 05:03:26 · 9 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7

2006-11-23 05:01:17 · 5 answers · asked by seanweimorts 1

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette's word was quizzical. The redhead's word was photosynthesis. The blonde's word was dick

2006-11-23 05:00:56 · 23 answers · asked by max_headroom600 1

Dare you take the Idiot Test?

http://users.skynet.be/bk258512/idiot_test.swf


I posted this before, but has now disappeared.... Guess I'm not the genius I'd like to be...

2006-11-23 05:00:28 · 15 answers · asked by Sassysaz 4

Two starving homeless men are walking down an empty street in a quiet town.
they spy a dead horse on the side of the road and run towards it. the first
man begins to eat the horse, but the second man refuses, saying only that he
will wait. after the first man has eaten his fill they continue on down the
road. eventually the first man gets sick from the horse meat and throws it
up. the second man pulls out a napkin from his pocket and exclaims as he
sits down: "now THIS is what i've been waiting for! a hot meal!"

2006-11-23 04:59:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok all 3 girls were on a magic cliff that whatever u say once u jump off will happen. ok the red head went 1st and said egale jump offf the cliff and flew away next5 went the brunette she said plane jump off the cliff and flew away next was the blonde she trip over a rock fell off the cliff and well u no wat happens

2006-11-23 04:52:30 · 6 answers · asked by P.R.Princess 1

A man is going to buy a horse. The seller tells the buyer, "To make the horse move say Hallelujah. To make the horse stop say Amen" The next day the buyer is riding towards a cliff. Then he says "God please stop this horse, Amen." The horse stops right at the edge of the cliff. "Hallelujah," said the man. The horse then galoped over the cliff.

2006-11-23 04:51:24 · 7 answers · asked by i 3

For example:
If Zsa Zsa Gabor married Jean-Michele Jarre, would she become
Zsa Zsa Jarre?

Just a thought ...

2006-11-23 04:51:10 · 8 answers · asked by david4thelord 4

2006-11-23 04:47:31 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-23 04:46:05 · 8 answers · asked by Remzy 4

Three blondes are stranded on an island. They have to swim 20 miles to get to shore. The first blonde swims 15 miles and drowns. The second blonde swims 14 miles and drowns. The last blonde swims 19 miles and says"I'm tired. I'm swimming back to the island." ( Feel free to type your own.)

2006-11-23 04:42:10 · 10 answers · asked by i 3