Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

A priest was seated next to an Australian on a flight to Canberra. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Australian asked for a Bundy Rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust "I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Australian then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice."

2006-11-24 01:59:00 · 28 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

out looking for work, they come accross a sign near a forest saying tree fellers wanted. Paddy says shame Shaun isn't with us we could have applied for that job !!!!!!!!!

2006-11-24 01:51:25 · 7 answers · asked by pokerfacelad 4

bcos 7,8,9

2006-11-24 01:50:20 · 16 answers · asked by tony h 4

he couldnt tell his left from his right ;o)

2006-11-24 01:35:42 · 12 answers · asked by tony h 4

shouting to come in at the front door and your dog was barking at the back door, which would you let in first?. The dog of course! he will shut up when he gets in !!!!!

2006-11-24 01:25:01 · 22 answers · asked by pokerfacelad 4

Click on the link below to see the new bus lane they’ve installed in Manchester; a few people try to use it with disastrous consequences – OUCH!!

http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/flvplayer.swf?file=http://media.biertijd.com/movies/200610/onderen.flv&autostart=true&fs=true

2006-11-24 01:03:55 · 30 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece .

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and w ives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

sorry no part 5 loool

2006-11-24 00:51:37 · 13 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

" To be false, it must be true"

Any takers?

2006-11-24 00:51:00 · 12 answers · asked by barbarita 2

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

2006-11-24 00:48:50 · 12 answers · asked by amudwar 3

UNDERSTANDING A WOMAN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

2006-11-24 00:48:31 · 12 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

A successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. Within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

2006-11-24 00:31:04 · 11 answers · asked by amudwar 3

Can anyone give me some silly jokes, such as would be found in Christmas crackers, please?

2006-11-24 00:23:38 · 7 answers · asked by claude 5

Here's the joke:

A wealthy man parked his brand new Porche in front of his yacht club, ready to show it off to his friends.

Just as he got out of the car, an truck passed too close and ripped the door off

When the police arrive the man does nothing except scream hysterically about how he just bought his car just a day earlier, and now it was totally ruined.

When he finally calmed down from his ranting, the cop said: "I can't believe how materialistic you are! Don't you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Oh my God!" screamed the man. "Where's my Rolex?"

Now ask yourself: Why is this joke funny?

While you consider this question, here's another version:

A poor man parked the used 1983 Honda he just bought in front of his job at the Wal-Mart.

Just as he got out of the car, an SUV, passed too close and ripped the door off.

When the police arrive the man does nothing except scream hysterically about how he just bought his car just a day earlier, and now it was totally ruined.

When he finally calmed down from his ranting, the cop said: "I can't believe how materialistic you are! Don't you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the SUV hit you."

"Oh my God!" screamed the man. "Where's my Caseo?"

Is this second joke funny?

Personally, I don't think so because it's the story of a weak man getting kicked down, and being misunderstood by the police. Whereas the first one is about a vain man getting his comeuppance.

I'm curious what you think.

2006-11-24 00:23:06 · 16 answers · asked by taknev 3

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I''ll give you $100 if you''ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I''m supposed to promise to ''love, honor and obey'' and ''be faithful to her forever,'' I''d appreciate it if you''d just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom''s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom''s hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

2006-11-24 00:19:44 · 6 answers · asked by amudwar 3

If it walked, it would be mugged.

2006-11-24 00:10:42 · 13 answers · asked by bluenose 4

an irish man goes into a blaksmith asking for a job

the blacksmith asks "do you have any experience in shooing horses"

"no but i once told a pony f**k off"

2006-11-24 00:04:59 · 30 answers · asked by Kemodo 344™ 3

Patrick is alittle irish boy, its christmas so he asks his dad for a new bike. dad says, " i'd love to son, but we got a £80,000 mortgage to redeem and we aint got next months payment. Sorry son." son says, "ok dad" and walks off to bed.

Next morning, Patrick comes down with a bag on his back, his dad sees him and says "what are you doing with that bag, where are you going son", his son simply replies", Dad, i walked past your room last night, you said you were pulling out and mum said wait for me i am coming too, so hell am i staying here with a £80,000 mortgage and no frickin bike!!


I thought this was really funny when i heard it. i hope you like it. xx
have a good friday and weekend everyone. xx

2006-11-23 23:55:11 · 18 answers · asked by london lady 5

This joke can be changed for the situation. My friend told it to me when 4 girls were around, but it can be used with guys.

One day (Person 1), (person 2) and (person 3) all died and arrived at the pearly gates. The person greeting them (whatever his name is) told them that they can do anything up here, except step on the little ducks that were walking around everywhere. He wouldn't tell them what would happen if they did. So everything was fine for about a week, until (person 1) stepped on a duck. Suddenly a very ugly man appeared, and he was chained to her arm forever.
A week later (person 2) stepped on a duck. An even uglier man appeared and was chained to her forever. (person 3) was having a fun time by herself, when suddenly a very attractive man appeared chained to her arm. She said "Wow, what did I do to deserve this?" And the man replied "I don't know, but I shouldn't have stepped on that duck!"

2006-11-23 23:48:59 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-23 23:47:08 · 9 answers · asked by Sweet A 2

its a poo in the loo! thoughs who diddnt get it well dont leave a coment

thoughs who think its not funny go away

and mothers with children you can stay

2006-11-23 23:42:51 · 11 answers · asked by butter 1

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMAN'S PERFECT REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

2006-11-23 23:29:30 · 22 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

priest got in common


their balls are just for decoration.

2006-11-23 23:27:11 · 12 answers · asked by chris w. 7

what does this riddle mean?

2006-11-23 23:23:48 · 8 answers · asked by Anh D 1

he laid her on the table
so white and clean and bare
his forehead wet with beads of sweat
he rubbed her here and there
her touched her neck
and then her breast
and then drooling felt her thigh
the slit was wet and all was set
he gave a joyous cry
the hole was wide
he looked inside
and all was dark and murky
he rubbed his hands
and stretched his arms
and then he stuffed
the turkey

2006-11-23 23:20:33 · 14 answers · asked by chris w. 7

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests .

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

2006-11-23 23:20:21 · 21 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

Hello england til i die

You have posted content to Yahoo! Answers in violation of our Community Guidelines. As a result, your content has been deleted.

Question: How do I know if I am an alcoholic?

Question Details: you never know if your an alcoholic. If you think you are then you are a pisshead its different

Deleted Answer: you never know if your an alcoholic. If you think you are then you are a pisshead its different

Reason of Violation:Insulting Other Participants

[me thinks some people are a bit over zealous on the old abuse button, either that or someone is incredibly pissed]

2006-11-23 23:15:35 · 24 answers · asked by england til i die 3

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a lawyer sits in the seat by the aisle.
The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get a glass of coke."
"No problem," says the lawyer, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe & spits in it.
When he returns with the coke, the other physician says,
"That looks good! I think I'll have one too."

Again, the lawyer obligingly fetches the drink.
While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe & spits in it.

The lawyer comes back & enjoys the flight.
However, as the plane is landing, the lawyer slips his feet into
his shoes& realizes immediately what has happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians.
"This fighting between our professions?”

“This hatred?”

“This animosity?”

“This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

2006-11-23 23:13:24 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Osama bin laden sent George bush a coded message to let him know he's
still
alive:
37OHSSV-0773H

Bush is baffled, Condi rice and her aides even the FBI,
CIA& HAS can't decipher it. They ask Britain's MI-6 for help.

Within a minute MI-6 replies:
" Tell the President that he's holding the message upside down"...

2006-11-23 23:04:43 · 13 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

2006-11-23 22:59:55 · 12 answers · asked by spamela 2

A wife was having no joy with her jigsaw puzzle and called to her husband...come and help me I cant get any of the pieces to fit...it should be a Tiger...the husband came over and looked shook his head and said ..put the Frosties back in the box.....

2006-11-23 22:56:32 · 13 answers · asked by geordie.lady 6