Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

There is a barrel, weighing 20 pounds. Susie came and put somethimg in the barrel, making the barrel lighter than 20 pounds. what did Susie put in the barrel?

2006-11-24 04:15:32 · 8 answers · asked by lucky charms ♥ 2

this is just a taster of what is to come today.






Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

2006-11-24 04:13:23 · 22 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

I think Santa Claus is a woman.
he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized,
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowl-full of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

2006-11-24 04:11:23 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in the English language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word. What is it? _______gry?

2006-11-24 04:09:41 · 14 answers · asked by Silly Jilli :) 4

2006-11-24 04:09:09 · 8 answers · asked by koolsk8er11 1

i no.... its a pretty stupid question, but i really dont no what it means so can u plz tell me????

2006-11-24 03:57:26 · 22 answers · asked by ♥ michi ♫ 2

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be
> >her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit
> >down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a
>little
> >discomfort,thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas
> >pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she
> >decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't
> >loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a
> >chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog
> >that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern
> >voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile
>came
> >across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the
> >pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder
>and
> >longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit
> >
> >Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes
> >later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even
>think
> >about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once
> >again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit
> >Skippy,
> >get away from her before she poops on you!"

2006-11-24 03:55:14 · 5 answers · asked by lady_kiki_007 1

"Yes, it is. no, it isnt. Yes. it is. No,it isnt.

2006-11-24 03:54:54 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One slip of the tongue, and you're in the 5hit

2006-11-24 03:52:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a ***** I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a ***** Fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a *****?"

"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of A Son of a *****."

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a ***** for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a *****," she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a ***** for the new Bishop's din ner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a ***** fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a ***** can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a *****."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.

The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a *****!" proclaimed the proud priest.

The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son of a *****!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a *****, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said,

"You buggers are my kind of people!"

2006-11-24 03:52:02 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

i am white now

2006-11-24 03:47:49 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-24 03:45:48 · 10 answers · asked by that's hawt 3

2006-11-24 03:44:55 · 9 answers · asked by rhijoa 2

A Message from British Government to citizens of the United States of America?
PROCLAMATION

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not
fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British
Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter
'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the
suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be
expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up
vocabulary).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem,
God Save The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four
Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will,
in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside
of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

2006-11-24 03:44:34 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Don't be too curious. Moon is my best friend and i'm going to celebrate his bithday....lol

2006-11-24 03:42:15 · 16 answers · asked by Sky Boy 3

There was once a mother with three little girls, and one day the first one said to her, "mummy, why am I called Rose" and she replied "because a rose petal fell on your head when you were a baby" and then the second child said "mummy why am I called lavender" and the mum replied, "because a piece of lavander fell on your head when you were a baby" and then the last child said "shmeeofleibenshmorfsh" and the mum said "shut up fridge"

2006-11-24 03:41:41 · 12 answers · asked by I am the Badger Princess. 4

wat 5 letter word from english dictionary can u add 2 letters to make it smaller

2006-11-24 03:38:04 · 19 answers · asked by вяεηδа™ 2

if a man rides into town on friday, stays 3 days then goes hme on friday, how does he do it ???? although i no the answer but its just for fun lol

2006-11-24 03:36:40 · 11 answers · asked by вяεηδа™ 2

a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

'Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'

And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, 'Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.'

'Why? Don't ye believe me?'

2006-11-24 03:33:47 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah, me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being. Anything you want. After all, you're the guv".

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time, Noah, I don't want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other."

"20 DECKS!" screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right. Well, sort of right. This time I want you to fill it up with fish," God answers.

"Fish?" queries Noah. "Yep, fish. Well, to make it more specific, Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" "Check". "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?" "Check". "And you want it full of Carp?" "Check". "Why?" Asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.

"I dunno....I just fancied a multi-storey Carp Ark"

2006-11-24 03:30:25 · 13 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

can you help me with my cheerleading cradle? the bases say im

coming down too hard...should i arch my back, and be really

stiff?? could you by any chance, describe what it's EXACTLY

supposed to feel like?? and how should i do my arms? do i leave

them by my sides until i land, then wrap around?? any help is

MUCH APPRECIATED!!

i know this is in the wrong category...when i had it in the sports

category, i only got one answer

plz answer only if you're serious

this is my first year, im a freshman, and i dont weigh too much (5'2 1/2" -- very proud on the 1/2" :-) -- and 104 lbs.)

2006-11-24 03:29:06 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

i am clear but sometimes unclear
i have exsisted ever since you can remember
i can take on every form even a form you can't see
i can be reused untill i have compltely changed
i am vital for some to breath

i am going to need 50 thumbs up and over 101 answers
for the best answer to be picked

2006-11-24 03:26:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

just wondering

2006-11-24 03:18:02 · 10 answers · asked by I am the Badger Princess. 4

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"

2006-11-24 03:10:53 · 19 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

2006-11-24 03:09:26 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

u probably already heard of this one

2006-11-24 03:06:47 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a man in jail who is carefully watched by a body gaurd. Someone comes in a visits the man in jail and they have a nice chat. When he leaves the jail guards asks the man in jail " who was that who just visited you"? The man in jail replied...."brothers and sisters, i have none. but that mans father is my fathers son."


Who visited him in jail?

2006-11-24 03:03:52 · 11 answers · asked by roarxximadinosaur 2

2006-11-24 02:47:58 · 12 answers · asked by listen68 3

guy answers advert for talking dog says to owner how much for the dog........owner says £10..first guy thinks wow i could make a fortune and buys the dog.....in the car on the way home the dogs telling his new owner about working for MI5 and how he just sat next to russian spies and reported back to HQ and how he used to sit in airports listening out for smugglers and terorists new owner thinks this is ace and when he gets home he rings previous owner and asks how come you sold your dog man you could have made millions previous owner says don't listern to a word that dog says he's a fu..ing liar

2006-11-24 02:24:29 · 9 answers · asked by michael 2

2006-11-24 02:07:21 · 21 answers · asked by flybnite2003 2