An After Thanksgiving Letter to the People of the USA?

Question

A Message from British Government to citizens of the United States of America?
PROCLAMATION

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not
fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British
Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter
'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the
suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be
expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up
vocabulary).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem,
God Save The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four
Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will,
in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside
of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

Answer 1

one word comes to mind........douchebag

Answer 2

Looks like u forgot the part where u said" ur far superior military force, who has beaten our butt in 2 wars, saved it in 2 wars, will now be replaced by a bunch of bad teethed tea sippers." U fail to remeber that to accomplish ur goal u would have to do it the American way, by using copious amounts of guns in a militarian conflict known as war. C'mon, u let a bunch of pansy colonists destroy the supposedly greates millitary force in the world.

Answer 3

i'm British and am embarrased by pricks like this guy. why is there a fear of things American, yeah the republicans have a lot to answer for but so does tony blair!

Answer 4

As Ash said in 'Army of Darkness': "Come get some".

besides, Tony Blair is hardly your PM as it stands

Answer 5

I'll check with my lawyer, but I think I can shoot you for this.

Answer 6

YOU KNOW ! YOUR PEOPLE I DON'T CARE HOW THEY ARE , ARE THE UGLIEST PEOPLE EVER BORN , NOT ALL BUT , ALL THE ONES I' VE SEEN OF ENGLAND. YOU PEOPLE ARE JUST PLAIN UGLY , YOU TALK , TALK AND TALK AND SAY NOTHING OF INTEREST , WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO YOU FEMALE IMPERSONATOR QUEEN AND TELL THEM ALL TO YANK YOURSELVES TO SLEEP ( IDIOT )

Answer 7

TURKEY?????