Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

the blonde got two dogs and called them Rolex and Timex, then went about telling every one there Watch Dogs............... keep smiling

2006-11-24 06:56:43 · 12 answers · asked by man with the golden gun 4

Mr Jones, the owner of Jones & McBride funeral services, stood in front of his staff, the anger in his eye apparant.

"I have been in the undertaking service for over thirty years, and I have not lost a body yet! Mr Edmunds MUST be in this building somewhere, and we are going to find him - There are twenty-two, identically sealed coffins..........."

2006-11-24 06:47:31 · 10 answers · asked by David 5

a job interview , the first one goes in and the boss says, i'v read your cv i like the cut of your suit and your very confident , now , he said , did you notice anything about me , well yes says the bloke , i noticed you have'nt got any ears , yes said the boss , and i'v noticed that you'r bl*ody rude and you have'nt got the job so get out , on the way out he said to the other bloke , he's very touchy about the ears , whatever you do dont mention the ears , so the second bloke goes in , the boss goes through the same routine with him , and asks him the same question , do you notice anything about me , yes , he says, you'r wearing contact lenses , the boss says , thats very observant how did you know that , the bloke says , cos you'd be wearing glasses , if you had any f*cking ears !

2006-11-24 06:39:06 · 9 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7

One woman says to the other woman"Do You have a back scratcher?" The other woman goes into the kitchen pulls out a fork and says"Do you want this?"

2006-11-24 06:35:06 · 5 answers · asked by jewliamimi 2

Nameless she holds him in an image wondering could he love her too? Formaly he found the bounty, and now giveth away of this, the biggest one. As Lancelot rides to Camelot to tangle the love in three;
In theory I am in medias res, but numerically you could call me...

This is a riddle based around the story Lancelot and Elaine found in the book "Idylls of the king" and it is asking for 3 numbers as the answer.
(in medias res is latain for in the middle of things)

Remember, the answer consists of three numbers

2006-11-24 06:35:03 · 6 answers · asked by Computers hate me 1

bread airline........PAN am
bread documentry.....PANorama
bread soper hero....peterPAN
bread dance group...PANs people

any more

2006-11-24 06:31:45 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

i tried posting this question foe a while and dey sent me a violation notice? FOR WHAT??? geez. wats their problem? anyway the jokes, i want a good laugh!

2006-11-24 06:14:46 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I got 50p!

2006-11-24 06:14:12 · 12 answers · asked by Jemma J 1

if each letter stands for a word then what does this meen?

200 d for p g in m


an example is like

7 d in a w

= 7 days in a week

2006-11-24 06:13:45 · 11 answers · asked by ♠Dino♠ 2

Titanic Video vs Clinton Video

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.
CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.
CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70 percent.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.

2006-11-24 06:10:47 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-24 06:00:19 · 23 answers · asked by ? 2

three frnds got on a bus.

one of them was wearing a pair of jeans so he had to purchase a full ticket.

the other was wearing shorts so he had a half ticket.

but the last one didnt purchase a ticket, why????????

2006-11-24 06:00:02 · 58 answers · asked by jello 2

Three guys are applying for job with the CIA. They got all the way to the final test.

So the first guy walks into the director's office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. Lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head." The guy looks at him and says,"no way." So the director says, "You fail."

The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and head for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn't go through with it. The director says, "you fail."

So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus(glass breaking, funiture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up.

2006-11-24 05:46:35 · 25 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Does anyone want to try this? go to google.com, type in failure and what website do you get?

2006-11-24 05:42:31 · 15 answers · asked by diamonds_are_forever<3 3

A carrot and a celery stalk got married, and after a particularly wild wedding reception took off in their car for Niagara Falls for their honeymoon. Unfortunately the celery stalk (who was driving) had had a little too much to drink, and got the car into an accident.
The celery stalk was relatively unhurt, but the carrot had to be rushed off to the hospital for an emergency operation. After five hours the surgeon finally emerged from the operating room. The celery, who had been pacing back and forth in the waiting room, rushed up to the doctor and asked "Will she live?"
The doctor solemnly replied, "Yes, but she'll be a vegetable."

2006-11-24 05:37:38 · 27 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

OKAY, SO An Archeologist uncharacteristicly searched for a thing at the site. ?'s: what did he search for? and where did he search it? YOu have to answer those questions for the riddle. And if you have ?'s you want ask they have to have yes or no answers.

2006-11-24 05:36:50 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who do you think will win if their is a wwe 8 teams tag team match between these countries?
Teams are
USA and UK
Russia and India
Mexico and Cuba
China and Pakistan
Israel and Germany
Vietnam and North Korea
France and Australia
Canada and Venezuela
Those were the 8 teams
Comment on how the match will go on
By the by refereee is UNO
and it is no disqualification no host barg

Additional Details

33 minutes ago
3 more teams
Iran and Kuwait
Iraq and Afghanisthan
Lebanon and Palestine

2006-11-24 05:18:18 · 8 answers · asked by r 2

Three blondes were driving down the highway trying to get to Disneyland.
They saw a sign that read
"Disneyland left." so they went home.


Did you hear about the blonde who tried to kill herself?
She jumped out a basement window.


There was a blonde that went to the hair salon with headphones. Before the barber started cutting her hair she told him "Make sure not to knock the headphones off my head". So the barber was sure not to. The next time, the blonde said the same thing "Do not knock the headphones off my head". The barber again, did what he was told. The third time she went, she told the barber again "Don't knock the headphones off my head", this time though, the barber accidentally knocked them off. As soon as the headphones fell off, the blonde dropped to the floor unconcious. The barber picked up the headphones and listened, and this is what it said "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...."

2006-11-24 05:02:39 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

each letter stands for a word.

for example.

12 m in a y = 12 months in a year

or

7 d of the w = 7 days of the week

i cant figure out these few.

5 d in a zc

3 b m (s h t r)

200 d for p in m

2006-11-24 05:00:10 · 7 answers · asked by ♠Dino♠ 2

A professor invented a lie detecting chair.

Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor.

During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself.

She began, "I think you are the best teacher I’ve ever had."

The chair immediately dumped her on the floor.

After the brunette left in a huff, a blonde sat in the chair.

The professor asked her to tell something of her life.

She began, "I think -" The next thing she knew, she was sitting in the floor.

2006-11-24 04:54:42 · 19 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Taliban TV Guide

MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "Bowling For Food"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionaire"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness

2006-11-24 04:53:10 · 6 answers · asked by curious2 2

2006-11-24 04:46:44 · 38 answers · asked by Ash 1

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves.

They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one.

The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands.

They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try.

We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!”

2006-11-24 04:42:44 · 16 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

2006-11-24 04:42:11 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

The guy walks into a bar,
The bartender goes "Hey there, want do you want to drink and what have you been doing all morning?"
The guy answers"i want a beer and i've been jumping on puddels the whole day"
This other guy comes in.
The bartender goes "Hey there, want do you want to drink and what have you been doing all morning?"
The other guy answers with "Well my name is puddels and adrian jumped on me all morning!, oh and i want a beer"

2006-11-24 04:37:03 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-24 04:32:32 · 32 answers · asked by Ash 1

you are camping and you decide to go hiking,
you go one mile south,
one mile east,
then one mile north
You arrive at your camp and see a bear eating your food.

What color is the bear?

2006-11-24 04:27:00 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own.

But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor.

So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.

But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it.

Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

2006-11-24 04:23:54 · 26 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid guy never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

2006-11-24 04:21:43 · 9 answers · asked by talkingformydog 4

The perfect man and the perfect woman were driving on a not-so perfect night. They came across Santa's sleigh crashed by the side of the road. Being the perfect couple, they decided to stop, pick him up, and help him deliver the rest of his gifts.
However, they were no more than 5 miles down the road when the car swerved into a tree. In this horrific crash, all were killed.

Who was driving?
















Since there's no such thing as Santa Clause, and the perfect man is only a myth. It had to be the perfect woman that was driving...




















...which would explain why there was a fatal car accident.

2006-11-24 04:20:39 · 9 answers · asked by trigam41 4