Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Brits when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.


Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing patriots to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing it.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't watch much TV, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice at baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms (Brits) in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day," "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, urine-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, urine-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting urine.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

2006-11-24 17:55:43 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this one girl and her parents were leaving for a meeting. They told her close all the windows and lock the doors. Well she locked all the doors and closed every window but 1. It was in the bathroom and the window was really small so she was thinking that it cant do anything. So she went to bed. Well she heard this bang. So she reached down and her dog licked her hand. Everything was OK. Then she heard another bang..dog was still there... then she heard a loud bang... and her dog wasnt there. So she walked in the direction of the noise (her bathroom) and then her dog was hanging on the shower faucet. On the window that she left open it said; serial killers can lick too.


Get it? The dog was hung but the serial killer was licking her hand..eww

2006-11-24 17:52:41 · 15 answers · asked by I_love_dunner 1

2006-11-24 17:52:01 · 8 answers · asked by neka 1

Sorry, it's a dumb riddle that I've been trying to get the answer for for years now.

2006-11-24 17:51:09 · 2 answers · asked by Devon 1

There was an old farmer who lived on a rock-He sat in the meadow just shaking his-Fist at some boys who were down by the crick-Their feet in the water their hands on their-Marbles and playthings and at half-past four-There came a young lady she looked like a-pretty young preacher sat sat on the grass-She lifted her skirt up and showed them her-Ruffles and laces and white fluffy duck-She said she was learning a new way to-Bring up her children they would not spit-While the boys in the barnyard were shoveling-Refuse and litter from yesterday's hunt-While the girl in the meadow was rubbing her-Eyes at the fellow, down by the dock-He looked like a man with a sizeable-Home in the country with a big fence out front-If he asked her politely she'd show him her-little pet dog who was subject to fits-and then she would let him grab hold of her-Small tender hands with a movement so quick-And then she'd bend over and suck on his-Candy so tasty made of butterscotch, and then he'd spread whipcream

2006-11-24 17:34:06 · 2 answers · asked by Cold Fart 6

1: Whats white and cant climb trees?...A refrigerator.

2: Q: How do you put a giraffe into the fridge?
A: Open the fridge door
Put the giraffe in
Close the fridge door.

3: : What did the farmer say when he lost his
tractor?
A: Where's my tractor?

2006-11-24 17:14:26 · 9 answers · asked by Borg_MonkeyDrone 3

... why you just opened this? Because it was pretty pointless, right? Practical jokes are fun here and there...

2006-11-24 17:07:05 · 18 answers · asked by Cold Fart 6

the sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette

if you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

if ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic

the more people I meet, the more I like my dog

some people are alive only because its illegal to kill them

a bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke

don’t take life too seriously. you won’t get out alive

WANTED: meaningful overnight relationship

if you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer

you’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me

I got a gun for my wife. best trade I’ve ever made

so you’re a feminist...isn’t that cute

Jesus may love you, but he wont respect you in the morning

I don]t care, I don]t have to

earth is an insane asylum for the universe

to all you virgins, thanks for nothing

horn broken, watch for finger

all men are idiots...I married their king

the more you complain, the longer god lets you live

earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later

please Mr. Bank Manager, how can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!

Work is for people who don’t know how to fish

I’m just driving this way to piss you off

Jesus paid for our sins…now lets get our moneys worth

Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle drugs

Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires

Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes

I want to be like Barbie-that b-I-t-c-h has everything

This would be really funny if it wasn’t happening to me

I get enough exercise pushing my luck

If you don’t like the news, go out and make your own

Guns don’t kill people…but they sure make it easy

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit

I said ‘no’ to drugs, but they wouldn’t listen

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies

Sex on television cant hurt you…unless you fall off

Honk if you do what care bumperstickers tell you do

2006-11-24 16:59:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-24 16:59:39 · 8 answers · asked by Anshul B 1

2006-11-24 16:37:17 · 18 answers · asked by BB PLAYA 1

2006-11-24 16:27:07 · 8 answers · asked by wizard 4

When I tried to kiss my honey,
her nose was kind of runny,
Do you think that's kind of funny?

2006-11-24 15:53:45 · 20 answers · asked by ? 4

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes
everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel
great. I be at work soon.........
You got nice house."

2006-11-24 15:36:36 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Closely perhaps, a sweet potato, followed by this label sometimes they serve this camel twisted in the breakfast tabel. Less 15-200, it become smartest of mammal's friend. Any taste doesn't matter, but it must be in size of Luna, luckily but firmly to set the trend.

2006-11-24 14:40:51 · 4 answers · asked by faizal_2812 1

This particular riddle was actually asked by my school teacher 20 years ago. I am still trying to figure it out :-) Noone else could give me a good answer either.
There were two identical snakes whose bodies could stretch infinitely and their mouths can be opened infinitely wide too. Now, the first snake starts to swallow the second one starting at it's tail. And the second one immediately started swallowing the first one's tail at the same speed. The question is what happens to the snakes finally?

2006-11-24 14:25:47 · 27 answers · asked by R S 3

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

2006-11-24 14:18:28 · 11 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

Come

2006-11-24 14:08:31 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

I think my life will end tonight. I am so bored, like no joke, I could play chess with my grandfather and I'll have more fun.

2006-11-24 13:49:47 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

It can be about fashion, juokes, funny lyrics, limericks, toilet humor, disasters, etc. Please make them interesting!

2006-11-24 13:44:45 · 20 answers · asked by Anastacia 1

http://www.killsometime.com/Video/video.asp?ID=183
http://www.killsometime.com/animations/animation.asp?ID=5

Be sure to watch this one to the end

http://www.killsometime.com/Video/video.asp?ID=332

2006-11-24 13:44:05 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-24 13:41:57 · 17 answers · asked by sun rays 1

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

2006-11-24 13:29:29 · 18 answers · asked by Dharshi 2

She came home with £30.05.
I asked her who gave her the 5p?
She said EVERYONE !!!

2006-11-24 13:21:51 · 21 answers · asked by ak bell 3

Know any good jokes?
Not too long though, thanks!!

2006-11-24 13:10:32 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-24 13:05:48 · 8 answers · asked by ? 2

i slit the sheet the sheet slit me
slitten was the sheet that was slit by me


faster now!
and again

2006-11-24 12:58:12 · 27 answers · asked by suki doo 6

2006-11-24 12:39:41 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

It is forced open, and thirty people are found dead inside. They had plenty of food and water.

What happened to them?

2006-11-24 12:36:59 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-24 12:34:37 · 6 answers · asked by joelle 3

The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's um...
little sailor can't salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor
and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for
her. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says,
"listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's
on his way out...Get this prescription, and put three drops in his
milk before he goes to bed." The wife is very happy and thanks the
doc profusely.

Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.
The lady blushes, smiles and says, "well I put thirty drops in his
milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close
the coffin."

2006-11-24 12:31:11 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous