Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

There were these 3 guys and they were driving. Thier names where shut-up, poop, and manners. So this police pulls them over and poop flies out of the car, and manners goes to pick him up off of the ground.The police guy comes to his car and he is like "What is your name?" "Shut-up" he said. "Where's your manners?" the police asked. "Picken up poop"

2006-11-25 07:03:34 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

The world's Hardest riddle
Can you guess the riddle?

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Can you guess the riddle?

2006-11-25 06:40:15 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous 2

"I cant eat in , but can I please have my order to Glow"



(tonymicheals thanks for that)

2006-11-25 06:37:26 · 20 answers · asked by jabelite 3

So when you return next time, you could skip those that you've read already?

You need a good laugh!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:......

*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a ********?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better*.

*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

*I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts! I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, "Damn it! They can't digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!". Needless to say, I quit.

2006-11-25 06:14:05 · 18 answers · asked by Ariana 2

2006-11-25 06:02:18 · 25 answers · asked by danabandana 1

so the next door lady came and ask him the secret behind such beautiful red tomatoes,
Farmer said that he waters his farm every morning naked so the tomatoes became red out of shame.
There goes the lady she too tried the same thing,tomatoes remained the same but she got a good crop of long cucumbers.....

2006-11-25 05:57:34 · 21 answers · asked by toppopsy 3

Your mama is so greedy, she brung a spoon to the superbowl.

2006-11-25 05:57:08 · 39 answers · asked by Deonte 2

Here's the worst one I've ever heard:

Q: What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
A: Cuatro, cinco (sinko).

2006-11-25 05:42:09 · 24 answers · asked by tangerine 7

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech:

"My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said "Firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. No, I will never do that, never in a million years".

"What do you mean my child?" Asked the father in law.

"What I mean dad is (looking at her father in law):

Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.

Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.

Those who cooked shouldn't stop at my account, and those who used to Clean should continue cleaning".

"Then what are you here for?" Asked the mother in law.

"As for me, my job is to entertain your son!"

2006-11-25 05:37:48 · 18 answers · asked by neha 3

didi i even do this right i am new i idk any thing about it Hellp

2006-11-25 05:35:53 · 3 answers · asked by yourcandynomycandy 2

Neither isn't an option and obviously death isn't either

2006-11-25 05:34:10 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

because it was scared that everybody will start asking the same question again.....

2006-11-25 05:28:03 · 28 answers · asked by toppopsy 3

the couple that just met and were hvin a shag and man says''you aint very tight for a scotswoman are you ''and she says ''you aint very thick for a paddy are you''

2006-11-25 05:21:02 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Killer Shark.
2.Kwick save Haddock
3. Kilmarnock----------well it`s a plaice !!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-25 04:54:18 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the funniest thing you have ever seen whilst out and about?
I know i sound bad but i can't help but laugh when i see people trip over in the street!
Also i find it funny when people have there hoods up. . . when not even raining!!

2006-11-25 04:45:46 · 19 answers · asked by red devil 3

Three exploreres went in into the jungle they got captured by a bunch of amazonian women, then then tied them up,

they went up to the first explorer and said Death or sno sno

sno sno

they then beat him and had there way with him and left him running away naked never to come back,


They went up to the second and said Death or Sno Sno

Sno sno

they then did the same beat him have there way with him and leave him running.

They went up to the last man and said Death or Sno Sno

Death

they looked at the man in a wierd way, went over to the angry women and talked for little while and came back and said if he was sure.

"yes"

"DEATH BY SNO SNO"

2006-11-25 04:34:06 · 11 answers · asked by Kemodo 344™ 3

One said to the other were a goner'ear

2006-11-25 04:29:15 · 13 answers · asked by cozz 2

I will submit the answer in 15 mins

2006-11-25 04:27:46 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

*A beggar's brother died, but the man who died had no brother. How could this be?
*A black dog stands in the middle of an intersecton in a town painted black. None of the street lights are working due to a power failure caused by a storm. A car with two broken headlights drives towards the dog but turns in time to avoid hitting him. How could the driver have seen the dog in time?
*A bus driver was heading down a street in Colorado. He went right past a stop sign without stopping, he turned left where there was a "no left turn" sign, and he went the wrong way on a one-way street. Then he went on the left side of the road past a cop car. Still - he didn't break any traffic laws. Why not?
*A cop was walking past a restaurant when he heard someone scream - "No John, not the gun!" He ran inside and and saw a doctor, a lawyer, a milkman, and a dead body on the floor. He promptly walked over to the milkman and arrested him. He didn't witness the shooting and there was no apparent evidence.

2006-11-25 04:23:52 · 8 answers · asked by LittleBit 3

What is the most rediculous excuse you've ever used to take a day off of work? or one that you have heard?

2006-11-25 04:21:28 · 27 answers · asked by jlx02000 2

2006-11-25 04:13:56 · 16 answers · asked by BMW M5 3

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an
Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the
fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog.

"T-Square, do your stuff."

T- Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could
do better.

He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better.

He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a
drop.

Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your
dog do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your
stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured
his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

2006-11-25 04:01:59 · 29 answers · asked by Rock 2

husband always insisted on making love in the dark. after 20yrs, wife turns on the light and finds him holding a vibrator. she goes ballistic. " you impotent bastard! how could you lie to me all these years?" husband looks her straight in the eye and calmly says," i'll explain the vibrator, you explain the kids".......

2006-11-25 04:01:55 · 15 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1

No jokes!

2006-11-25 03:54:34 · 19 answers · asked by jlx02000 2

A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one
Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.

The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you
been drinking, sir?"

"Why? Was I weaving all over the road officer?"

"No," replied, the policeman, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."

2006-11-25 03:31:59 · 38 answers · asked by Rock 2

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

The woman was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

2006-11-25 03:31:23 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,
he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie."

Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the
bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."

At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind,"
he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and
there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.

"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

2006-11-25 03:26:21 · 17 answers · asked by Rock 2

what comes next in the sequence AND WHY?

N U S J

2006-11-25 03:19:30 · 13 answers · asked by The brainteaser 5

what is your fav Yo mamma?

2006-11-25 03:18:46 · 21 answers · asked by NC 2

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

2006-11-25 03:06:32 · 18 answers · asked by Rock 2