Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and WHACK!! knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden WHACK!! the big dude knocks him down AGAIN. This time he says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns.

Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and WHAM!!! knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears."

2006-11-25 08:57:39 · 9 answers · asked by dead. 2

Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the
Horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.
Victoria admiringly watches her husband.
After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.
David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse,
but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.
Victoriais now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!

Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard
comes out of the store

and unplugs the horse

2006-11-25 08:52:51 · 13 answers · asked by foureyesslim 2

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

2006-11-25 08:51:37 · 9 answers · asked by dead. 2

VAIN PERSON :ONE WHO LOVES THE SMELL OF HIS OWN
FART

AMBITIOUS :ALWAYS READY FOR A FART

LAZY :JUST FIZZLES

AMIABLE :LIKES TO SMELL OTHER'S FARTS

PROUD :THINKS HIS FARTS ARE EXCEPTIONALLY
PLEASANT

SHY :BLUSHES WHEN HE FARTS SILENTLY

CARELESS :FARTS IN CHURCH OR AT GLOW OF LOVE IN
THE ROOM

SMART ALEC :FARTS WHEN LADIES ARE PRESENT

CLEVER :FARTS AND COUGHS AT THE SAME TIME

SCIENTIFIC :BOTTLES HIS FARTS

STINGY :BELCHES TO SAVE HIS BUTT-HOLE

TIMID :JUMPS WHEN HE FARTS

CONCEITED :THINKS HE CAN FART THE LOUDEST

UNFORTUNATE :TRIES TO FART BUT POOPS IN HIS PANTS
INSTEAD

FOOLISH :SUPPRESSES A FART FOR HOURS

BEWILDERED :CAN'T TELL HIS OWN FART FROM OTHERS
(that's me!0

NERVOUS :STOPS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FART

MISERABLE :CAN'T FART AT ALL

CONFUSED :FACE IS SO MUCH LIKE A BUTT,FART CAN'T
TELL WHICH WAY TO GO

GROUCHY :GRUMBLES WHEN LADIES FART

SNEAKY :FARTS AND THEN BLAMES IT ON SOMEONE ELSE

DISAPPOINTED :FART DOESN'T SMELL

CHILDISH :FARTS AND THEN GIGGLES

FRESH GUY :JUMPS IN FRONT OF YOU AND THEN FARTS

BIG BULLY :HOLDS YOU DOWN AND THEN FARTS IN YOUR
FACE

DUMB :ENJOYS OTHER FARTS, THINKING THEY ARE HIS
OWN

SICK :SMELLS YOUR FART AND THEN TELLS YOU WHAT
YOU WERE EATIN'

DAMNED MEAN :FARTS AND THEN PULLS THE COVERS
OVER HIS WIFE'S HEAD

MUSICAL :TENOR OR BASS,CLEAR AS A BELL,SMELLS BAD
BUT SOUNDS GREAT!

ATHLETIC :JUMPS IN THE AIR,FARTS 3 TIMES,AND CLICKS
HIS HEELS 3 TIMES

SLOB :FARTS AND THEN STAINS HIS UNDERWEAR

IMPUDENT :FARTS OUT LOUD AND THEN LAUGHS

ENVIRONMENTALIST :FARTS REGULARLY BUT IS
CONCERNED ABOUT THE POLLUTION

HONEST :ADMITS HE FARTED BUT OFFERS A GOOD
MEDICAL REASON

DISHONEST :FARTS AND THEN BLAMES IT ON THE DOG

HERMIT :ONE WHO ALWAYS HAS A FART IN RESERVE

ANTI-SOCIAL :EXCUSES HIMSELF AND FARTS IN PRIVATE

INTELLECTUAL :CAN DETERMINE THE SMELL OF HIS
NEIGHBOR'S FART

WHIMPY :FARTS AT THE SLIGHTEST EXERTION

SADIST :FARTS IN BED AND THEN FLUFFS THE COVERS

SENSITIVE :FARTS AND THEN STARTS CRYING

AQUATIC :FARTS IN THE BATH; THEN BREAKS THE BUBBLES
WITH HIS TOES

MACHOCHIST :FARTS IN THE BATH AND TRIES TO BITE THE
BUBBLES

2006-11-25 08:38:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

walking down the railroad tracks in the middle of the night

and you are carrying a canoe on top of your head

how many ice cream cones does it take to fill a dog house???

2006-11-25 08:37:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Police think he may be a Stalker!

2006-11-25 08:33:37 · 14 answers · asked by jabelite 3

When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and punch the crap out of them.

A husband and wife were moving from Illinois to Florida. The husband left 5 days earlier. He sent an e-mail to his wife when he got to their new home. He accidently typed in the wrong adress, and it was sent to an eldery woman whose husband had just died. The message read:
"Dear my love,
I've just arrived for my destination. Plans are made for your arrival tommorrow.
Love, Your Husband
P.S. It sure is warm down here.

I wanted to kill the sexiest person alive...But suicide's a crime :-/

How can you keep an idiot busy? |Click Here| to find out...

LAST ONE...

YOUR COMPUTER IS NOW INFECTED WITH A BAD VIRUS. But...
If you want to fix your computer, do what these directions tell you:
Type the following into your favorite write program (Microsoft Word, Notepad etc.):
Type an M
Type an I before the M
Make a space after the M
Type a P
Type a D after the P
Type an S right before the P
Type a U Before the P But after the S
Make a Space after the D
Type an R
Type An O BEFORE and AFTER the R
Go back to the begining
Type an A before the S and then make a space
Go to the end
Type an M Before the first O
Go to the middle
Type a T between the S and the U
Type an I inbetween the P and the D
Go to the very end.
Type an N
Now read the code out loud.
Your virus is gone!

2006-11-25 08:28:15 · 7 answers · asked by .:.:far away:.:. 1

Is this proof that he loves us????

2006-11-25 08:25:12 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

OTTFFSSENT

2006-11-25 08:24:38 · 10 answers · asked by toast 1

that on the other hand you have different fingers?

2006-11-25 08:24:01 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

2006-11-25 08:20:21 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lets all get wasted and have the time of our lives

2006-11-25 08:17:28 · 13 answers · asked by jabelite 3

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

.
.
Tumbs up Please!!!

2006-11-25 08:16:50 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A childishly easy riddle.
My talons almost putrefy in disgust as I lower myself to type such a simple conundrum.



Where can be found:

Cart before horse, death before life,
old before young, widow before wife.

Light and dark, good and bad,
hope and despair, happy and sad.

Kidnap after freedom, wrong after right,
raw after cooking, growl after bite.

What’s the answer? It’s easy for me,
post your solutions, let the clueless see.




A solution will be posted should you all fail.

2006-11-25 08:16:32 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry,
When the girls had run away,
He kissed the boys because hes gay.

2006-11-25 08:11:03 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-25 08:08:05 · 16 answers · asked by Marsattack 3

girl;aah its too tight.
man;dont worry i,ll do it slowly.
girl; aah its paining.
man;ok i,ll slowly make it in go.
girl;no man i cant its paining.
man;ok we i,ll buy another wedding ring. What were U thinking??..

2006-11-25 08:06:12 · 7 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

1. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
woud?
a) five pieces
b) none
c) seven pieces
d) none of the above

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made
from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black
house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading,
six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two
people
get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get
on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In
Carmarthen,
six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?

5.What do you put in a toaster?

2006-11-25 08:00:37 · 16 answers · asked by kwinnay 2

Mary had a little skirt, with splits right up the sides,
And when ever Mary wore it, the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt, this had a split up the front,
She didnt wear this one very often.

2006-11-25 07:59:57 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

'Cmon. Really test me!

2006-11-25 07:59:18 · 5 answers · asked by LindseyLouWho 3

4+4+3+3+2+2+1

But the title of the page says "There's 26 of 'em."

@_@ So confused. The problem equals 19! >_>

2006-11-25 07:55:20 · 5 answers · asked by Ralph 1

did the pub quiz tonight one of the Q`s was how many in a bakers dozen,so i said twelve,common sense , anyway the guy in the corner with a PHD sticking out of his a@rse pocket said i was wrong so i threw my pint over him ....my question is whens the last time you wasted a good pint

2006-11-25 07:54:05 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-25 07:44:37 · 13 answers · asked by smithy 1

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get the jar open."

2006-11-25 07:39:22 · 15 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

I've gotten to level 26 a long time ago... and now I can't remember #3! Something to do with the alphabet?

2006-11-25 07:38:29 · 4 answers · asked by Ralph 1

2006-11-25 07:30:36 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

You throw away my outside,
You cook my inside.
You eat my outside,
You throw away my inside.

What am I?

Hint: A food item (duh)

2006-11-25 07:30:06 · 13 answers · asked by Rawr_Kitty 3

2006-11-25 07:29:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-25 07:22:36 · 3 answers · asked by Baby 3

Get your mind out of the gutter.

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment
with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
-The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
-The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
-The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
-The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
-The first worm in alcohol - dead.
-Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
-Third worm in sperm - dead.
-Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn
from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said
"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have
worms."

2006-11-25 07:22:11 · 13 answers · asked by vinny_the_hack 5