Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.

He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

2006-11-25 11:05:57 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm after a best and worst maths joke for a competition. Thank you!

2006-11-25 11:05:54 · 6 answers · asked by dinnex 2

can you guess what happened to me today?
Best answer will be picked and answer will be added in 5 mins!

2006-11-25 11:04:57 · 5 answers · asked by charlie w 2

I love telling blond jokes, no afence to anyone with blond hair. I'll give best answer for my fave joke. I'v heard of the China or the moon joke, the micowave t.v joke, the potateo joke, and the deserted island joke. I might have heard of a few more but please keep them at least PG rated.

2006-11-25 10:53:18 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-25 10:53:02 · 16 answers · asked by udonthave2sayuloveme 1

A building contrator is discusing paint colours with a client. in every room they go into the builder puts his head out of the window and shouts
"GREEN SIDE UP" after hes done this 5 times the client says
" im sorry but why do you keep shouting green side up out of the window?" to which the builder replies
" ive got a couple of new blond lads working for me and their laying turf"

2006-11-25 10:42:18 · 7 answers · asked by *♥* donna *♥* 7

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a ***** didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning

2006-11-25 10:37:45 · 28 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

I am known at night or actually at anytime.
Am I the size of a orange or the size of a dime?
When the sun comes up and I exist in light of day,
People do not see me so they know not what to say.
I am the name of some that people seek,
Of the ones they want to take a peek.
My points you may not see,
but I have been know to set cares afree.
Do you know me and if you do,
can you answer, if I am white or blue.
I have given more clues than you need,
So with this you must answer with great speed.
Oh final note so you shall understand,
I am know in every land.

2006-11-25 10:32:11 · 20 answers · asked by ஐAldaஐ 6

I was flying in a Russian Airlines plane when one of the engines failed. Everyone got rowdy but then the pilot came and told us everything would be alright. Everyone was calm until the second engine failed. Again the pilot came and told us it was all right. Everyone besides a few of us shy ones started dancing. Then the lady next to me said" I hope the last two engines don't fail, or we'll be here all night"

2006-11-25 10:28:02 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout lady of the evening catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the lady of the evening, "How much?" Lady of the evening replies, "It starts at $500 for manual manipulation." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For manual manipulation! No manual manipulation is worth that kind of money!" The lady of the evening says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the lady of the evening, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give manual manipulation that's worth $500." Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the best manual manipulation of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose oral manipulation is $1,000?"

2006-11-25 10:21:40 · 19 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

I just need one...I missed the one between lost and hut. Thanks

2006-11-25 10:20:50 · 3 answers · asked by beesweat 1

A blonde, brunette and a redhead were drinking in a bar one night, and decided to buy tickets in the bar's weekly raffle.

They each bought a $1 ticket.

When the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

The brunette won the first prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti.

The redhead won the second prize, a month's supply of gourmet spaghetti.

The blonde won the booby prize, a toilet brush.



The next week they got together at the bar. The redhead asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said the brunette, "I love spaghetti, and this stuff is fabulous!"

"And how do you like your prize?" they asked the blonde.

"Not so good," the blonde replied, "I think I'm going to switch back to paper."

2006-11-25 10:15:00 · 14 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....." She forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cockpit hears the noise.

Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot.

She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING!

2006-11-25 10:13:33 · 21 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

I have an eight foot pond theres a frog dead in the center. It could jump two feet. How many jumps will it take to reach the edge?

2006-11-25 10:12:36 · 17 answers · asked by Hi T 7

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The townsman watched as he slowly dismounted and tied his horse to the rail outside the saloon.

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.

As he then walked by, the townsman had to comment. "I could help but notice you as you got off your horse. That's quite an unusual ritual."

"Yep," replied the cowboy. "I got me some bad chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" asked the townsman.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."

2006-11-25 09:56:55 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

2006-11-25 09:55:15 · 18 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

I've been disturbed twice by soft voices, duvet moving around and he's hiding something next to his pillow.

2006-11-25 09:54:26 · 8 answers · asked by OO7 3

A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

2006-11-25 09:48:15 · 33 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4 letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

2006-11-25 09:37:12 · 13 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

2006-11-25 09:29:12 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man robs a bank and makes off with three gold bars. He is chased by a copper and he reaches a bridge. The bridge can only hold 100Kgs of weight. The man weighs 60Kg and the gold bars weigh 20Kg's each. He does not have time to go back and forth to get the bars across and has to go across in one.

How does he get across with all three bars in one go?

my silly answer 15 mins

2006-11-25 09:28:32 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-25 09:26:34 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running
along the road.

The woman said,
"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago."

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"

2006-11-25 09:22:45 · 23 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

2006-11-25 09:19:59 · 19 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

2006-11-25 09:18:46 · 15 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

2006-11-25 09:15:52 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-25 09:14:31 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

The scene is set in a police training centre...

An Englishman Scottishman and Irishman lined up waiting to take the training test to become a police officer

"Now walk through that door and shoot the person inside" said the instructor

The englishman stepped up first.."easy!"

He walks through the door and sees his wife he holds up the gun
"OH I CANT DO IT!!!"

The scootish man takes his gun "ochh let me in!" he sees his wife
"occh neigh i cannut do it!"

Finally its the irishmans turn, he takes the gun shuts the door behind him

BANG BANG,... SMACK CRACK WHAM!!!

The irishman walked out...

"You gave me blanks so i had to smack the bi.tch to death with the chair instead!!!"

2006-11-25 09:10:07 · 17 answers · asked by foureyesslim 2

after asking the audience and taking 50/50 they decide to phone a friend."hello its chris tarrant and i've got david and victoria here they will ask you the question and hopefully your answer will get then £100 to start the game"

2006-11-25 09:05:51 · 16 answers · asked by peter.w 4

Ok so there are 3 girls, a burnett a red head and a blond. They all dicide to go on a hike together. After one mile the red head says
" Wait, I forgot something at the car. Let me go get it. " After a while the red head comes back with some water. The other girls ask why do you have water? The red head replies that way if we get thirsty we can have something to drink. They walk another mile and the burnett says wait I left somthing at the car let me go get it. She comes back with food. The other girls ask what are you doing with food? The burnett replies that way if we get hungrey we can have something to eat. After walking another mile the blond says I left something at the car let me go get it. They wait awile and then the blond comes back with the car door. The girls ask why do you have the car door? The blond replies, that way if we get hot we can roll down the window.

2006-11-25 09:02:49 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous