Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked,
Bring beer....

2006-11-25 19:09:53 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man dies and goes to Hell where he is greeted by the devil:
Devil: Hey, why are you bumming out?

Man: If you died and went to Hell, you''d be bumming out too.

Devil: Hell isn''t what you think it is. It's fun down here. Say, do you drink?

Man: Sure, I love to drink. Why?

Devil: Well, you''re gonna love Mondays then. Because on Mondays, all we do here is drink. Hell, we have whiskey, tiquila, rum, vodka, all the booze you want to drink. We drink til we puke then we drink more.

Man: Ah, that sounds great.

Devil: Do you smoke?

Man: Damn right I do.

Devil: Cool! You''re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world. Smoke all you want. You don''t have to worry about getting cancer because you''re already dead anyways.

Man: No ****!

Devil: You like gambling?

Man: Hell yeah!

Devil: Great! On Wednesdays, we have gambling night here in Hell. We have slot machines, roulette, craps, black jack, horse racing, you name it, we got it, and we just recently opened up a new pai gow poker table.

Man: Hmmmmmmmmmmm, I never played pai gow poker before.

Devil: Now you can. You like to get stoned?

Man: I love getting stoned! You mean...

Devil: That''s right man, because on Thursdays, it''s stoner night here in Hell! Help yourself to a huge bowl of crack, smoke a joint the size of a nuclear sub, do all the drugs you want and you don''t have to worry about overdosing because you''re already dead anyhow.

Man: Awesome! I never thought Hell was one swinging place!

Devil: Are you gay?

Man: Uh, no.

Devil: Oooh, you''re gonna hate Fridays!

2006-11-25 18:57:11 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Joe had just graduated from law school. Afterwards he return to his home town & opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.
One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk & decided to make a big impression on his new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking…
"No. Absolutely not! You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument & the other members of my team will provide support.."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe waved his arms & rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone & turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.”

”What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

2006-11-25 18:53:44 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know it's hard to pick just 1,
but this one always makes me laugh .....


A teacher asked her students to use the word
"definitely" properly in a sentence. Lil Susie goes first
and declares "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher
replies "It's cloudy, today Susie ... the sky is actually gray."
Bobby goes next by saying
"The grass is definitely green", to which the teacher corrects him "No, Bobby .... it's late autumn and the grass is actually brown." ......
Then Lil Johnny asks a question "Teacher,
Do farts have lumps in them" ? ........
The teacher gives Johnny a very stern look,
and says in firm voice "No Johnny, they don't" ! ........
Lil Johnny replies back "Then I DEFINITELY shitt my pants" !

LOL

2006-11-25 18:39:26 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-25 18:35:28 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting,the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty and so is your head
Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
my love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

2006-11-25 18:20:13 · 28 answers · asked by Pd 6

Why did the sardar fall down when he entered the bank?

2006-11-25 18:17:17 · 19 answers · asked by PolkaDot 3

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2006-11-25 17:50:29 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

Color coordinate your pet with your furniture and carpets. That way, the hair won't show if you don't regularly sweep it up.

2006-11-25 17:48:22 · 3 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

no offense to ne blondes out there

One day a blonde is driving home when she rear-ends a man in his truck. The man stops and yells at her to get out of her car, so she steps out and tries to apologize.



He then draws a circle in the sand and tells her to stand inside and not to step out. He goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, walks over to her car, and smashes in the window.

She begins to giggle, so he looks back at her angrily and tells her to be quiet. Then he starts beating in the hood of her car.




She giggles again, and he turns to her and says, "You're askin' for it, lady!" Then he smashes in her windshield.

By this time the blonde is laughing hysterically, so he looks at her and yells, "What's so funny!?"

She laughs again and replies, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle three times."

2006-11-25 17:40:28 · 10 answers · asked by *Dat*-*Libra*-*Cutie* 3

2006-11-25 17:38:05 · 6 answers · asked by Roosterkroozer 4

A millionaire was nearing his death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money & wanted to take it with him to heaven.
So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea & appears.
"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
”Can you ask God to see if He might be able to bend the rules.”, says the man.
He continues to pray & the angel reappears, informing the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.
Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase & fills it with pure gold bars & places it beside his bed.
Soon after, the man dies & shows up at the Gates of Heaven.
Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says,
"Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission & asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, St. Peter checks & comes back saying,
"My apologies, you are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims,

"You brought pavement?!!!"

2006-11-25 17:33:55 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think"

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny; "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

2006-11-25 17:30:10 · 9 answers · asked by GreekGurl84 2

First job at burger king and my nervous as all h3ll.

2006-11-25 17:27:19 · 13 answers · asked by Tyler1990Cali 2

A blonde man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co- workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had happened at church. They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what really happened.

So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.

The next week he showed up to work and his face was beaten really badly! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."

At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?"

"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that, so I shoved it back in."

2006-11-25 17:26:28 · 10 answers · asked by *Dat*-*Libra*-*Cutie* 3

had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

2006-11-25 17:24:44 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

No offense to any blondes out there!

A blonde is explaining to her girlfriend the bad day she'd had at work, and that her boss had suffered a heart attack and died.

"How horrible!" said the friend, "What did you do?"

The blonde replies, "Well there was nothing I could do. He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers!"

2006-11-25 17:23:37 · 11 answers · asked by *Dat*-*Libra*-*Cutie* 3

2006-11-25 17:20:00 · 9 answers · asked by Tyler1990Cali 2

what gets wet as it dries?

2006-11-25 17:15:10 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

These are from the Platt & Munk Co., Inc., N.Y. 1966

Why did the dishonest man keep his word? (no one would take it)
What fruit grows on telegraph poles? (electric currents)
Why was the rock emotional? (because it was easily moved)
When is a tooth like a plot of land? (when it's an acre)
What letters are never tired? (N R G)
Why is a watch like a river? (it doesn't run long without winding)
What has only one foot? (a leg)
When is a clock angry? (when it strikes one)
Why is it rude to whisper? (because it's not aloud)
What's the principal part of a horse? (the mane part)
Why do people who write books look strange? (tales come out of their heads)

Have any you'd like to share?

2006-11-25 17:13:38 · 1 answers · asked by Zeera 7

I never understood this joke.

2006-11-25 17:09:42 · 9 answers · asked by Optimistic 6

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole, when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked "What are you up to there, Johnny"

"My goldfished died" replied the little Johnny, tearfully, without looking up, " and I have just buried him"

The neighbour was concerned: "that's an awfully big hole, for a goldfish, isn't it"

Little Johnny patted down the last heap of the earth and then replied "that's because he is inside your freaking cat!"

2006-11-25 17:04:16 · 29 answers · asked by Electric 7

pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!"

The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."

2006-11-25 17:03:28 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

"BECAUSE HEAVEN IS A BIG PLACE, YOU WILL NEED A VEHICLE TO RIDE IN. YOU GET THE VEHICLE DEPENDING ON HOW MANY TIMES U CHEATED ON UR SPOUSE", SAYS THE ANGEL. THE FIRST WOMAN CLAIMS SHE CHEATED 7 TIMES AND THE ANGEL GIVES HER A PICK UP TRUCK. THE SECOND WOMAN CLAIMS SHE CHEATED 3 TIMES. THE ANGEL GIVES HER A MINIVAN. THE THIRD WOMAN SAYS SHE CHEATED 0 TIMES AND THE ANGEL GIVES HER A HUMMER.

WHILE THE THIRD LADY IS DRINVING IN HER HUMMER AROUND HEAVEN, SHE SPOTS A GUY FROM AFAR ON A SKATEBOARD. WHEN SHE RIDES PAST HIM, SHE RECOGNIZES HIM AS HER HUSBAND....

2006-11-25 16:47:53 · 20 answers · asked by LittleBit 3

a bear left his bear home and walked south for 1km and east for 1km and north for 1km and he ended up back at his home. What colour is the bear?

2006-11-25 16:43:48 · 13 answers · asked by babycakes 5

Let me know what it is!

2006-11-25 16:37:59 · 10 answers · asked by hockeyhunny2 2

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR.

2006-11-25 16:31:47 · 15 answers · asked by LittleBit 3

What word is so fragile, if you yell it out loud, you break it?

2006-11-25 16:21:17 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

He also had five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nunu and what was the name of the fifth?

2006-11-25 15:59:27 · 20 answers · asked by Jodi M 1

I'm a college freshman who's been away from home for 4 months, and I'm coming back for Christmas. Can you guys think of any good jokes to play on my parents/friends when I first see them again? A prank for the occasion, not just a random trick.

2006-11-25 15:54:17 · 9 answers · asked by smoothsteve 2