Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken ****."

2006-11-25 22:06:00 · 8 answers · asked by some dude 3

2006-11-25 22:04:27 · 14 answers · asked by georgiebuzz 2

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fireman’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fireman walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration. "Thanks," the girl replied. The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

2006-11-25 22:03:57 · 13 answers · asked by some dude 3

Blonde terminology continued....?
Terminallly ill - sickness at airport
Tibia - country in North Africa
Tumour - an extra pair
Urine - opposite of your out
Varicose - nearby
Vein - conceited

2006-11-25 22:03:28 · 8 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Anally - occuring yearly
Artery - study of paintings
Bowel - letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section - district in Rome
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - sheep dog
Coma - a punctuation mark
Congenital - frendly
D&C - where washington is
Diarrhea - journal of daily events
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fester - quicker
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - non-jewish
Hangnail - coat hook
Impotent - distinguished, well known
Intense pain - torture in a teepee
Labour pain - got hurt at work
Medical staff - doctor's cane
Morbid - higher offer
Nitrate - cheaper than day rate
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - person who had fainted
Pap smear - fatherhood test
Pelvis - cousin of Elvis
Post operative - letter carrier
Protein - favouring young people
Rectum - damn near killed em
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - amourous
Scar - rolled tobacco leaf
Seizure - roman emperor
Serology - study of knighthood

2006-11-25 22:00:07 · 7 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

I have a Golden retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart
and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

2006-11-25 21:59:20 · 6 answers · asked by some dude 3

Blonde goes into a chemist to buy deodarant for her husband. Assistant asks "Is it the ball kind?"
"No," replies blonde "it's for under his arms."

2006-11-25 21:57:35 · 10 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

A man kills a deer and takes it home for dinner but does'nt tell the kids what it is.
He says he will give them a clue, "It's what mum calls me sometimes."
The daughter screams and shouts "Don't eat it, it's a f*****g a**e hole!"

2006-11-25 21:56:02 · 12 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, & good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. When does a woman most want a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. If you slice them very thinly it takes 3 average size men.

Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes

Q. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge & go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed & go to the fridge.

2006-11-25 21:53:35 · 11 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care.
I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

2006-11-25 21:53:20 · 5 answers · asked by some dude 3

so he goes to buy a Rolls Royce. The sales chap says you don't want to start with this for you first car, you need to build up to it. Yeah says the fella that's a good point and off he goes. This keeps happening until he eventually ends up with a hoop and stick. One Sunday he's out for a run and stops at a country pub, he has a pint and when he comes out the hoop and stick are missing. He tells the landlord who says well don't worry mate it can't have cost much. That's not the problem says the bloke, how am i going to get home !!!!!!. I know its crap but i am sick of getting a bollcking off Yahoo !!!!!!!

2006-11-25 21:51:34 · 10 answers · asked by pokerfacelad 4

These are jokes I've posted before.......why not? Everyone seems to like repeat jokes, it's like Groundhog day on here!
Anyway, see what you think.

Tiger woods in Ireland driving a BMW 5 series, he needs petrol. The attendant doesnt know who Tiger is. Tiger goes or his wallet from glove compartment and 2 tees drop out. Attendant asks ' What are they?' . Tiger replies 'To rest your balls on.' Attendant says 'Blimey, BMW, they think of it all!'

Taxi driver picks up a nun, he keeps looking at her through the rear view mirror, nun asks 'Is there a problem?' Driver says ' I've always fantasised about snoggin a nun' Nun says well if you are catholic and single I have no objection. Driver says 'I'm both' He then passionately snogs the nun. He then says 'I have a confession to make, I'm married and i aint catholic'. It's ok says the nun. I'm just on my way to a drag party.'

2006-11-25 21:51:17 · 7 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

My maker doesn't want me

My buyer doesn't use me

My user doesn't see me

What am I?

2006-11-25 21:41:18 · 5 answers · asked by txsaxman91 3

2006-11-25 21:31:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 men walking home from pub; 1 says "My wife has stopped having sex with me, I think she finds me boring." As they walk around the corner they see 2 dogs mating in the street. 2nd man says "Have you tried sex like that?" 1st one says "No, I'll suggest it to wife when I get home."
The next night the same two men were talking again. "Sex was great last night." said the 1st. "Good," said the 2nd man "Did you try the position I suggested?" The 1st man replied "Yes, but I had a hell of a job coaxing her out into the street!"

2006-11-25 21:31:08 · 11 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

3 men go to a hotel and ask for a room... the innkeeper tells them $30, they pay and go to the room... later the innkeeper realized it was a $25 dollar room and gives the bellboy $5 to refund to the men... the bellboy decides that it would be hard to divide $5 amongst 3 men, so he pocketed $2 and gave the men each $1...
each man originally paid $10, then after the $1 refund, they paid $9 each, totalling $27... the bellboy kept $2, so 2 + 27 = 29... where's the other dollar if they paid 30 in the first place?

2006-11-25 21:27:12 · 6 answers · asked by lisa_mynx 4

I always hear this but dont understand it?

How would you describe it?

2006-11-25 21:23:30 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

what's better than God, worse than the devil, poor people have it, rich people need it, and if you eat it you die?

2006-11-25 21:10:55 · 13 answers · asked by lisa_mynx 4

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.

Defense! Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"….And that's when I shot the son of a *****!

2006-11-25 21:04:13 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

doughnuts! apparentllllyyy they dont have enuf jammin!

2006-11-25 20:54:41 · 11 answers · asked by diamondchichan 2

A dog has four legs, the store has vanilla milkshakes, the hammer in my garage hang on pegs, and the dog eats pancakes.

Therefore, if a hippo walks at midnight, where does a giraffe roller skate?

2006-11-25 20:12:28 · 8 answers · asked by Corbin 1

This one has been driving me mad all day, "Part of a woman’s anatomy, 7 letters beginning with V and ending with A."
I had it on the tip of my tongue last night!

2006-11-25 20:07:32 · 9 answers · asked by txsaxman91 3

2006-11-25 19:49:42 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-25 19:46:12 · 15 answers · asked by devin b 1

How far would yours take you? And YES, I am well aware there is a joke to this, but be honest now. My brains would take me to work and back. Pretty average. You?

2006-11-25 19:35:39 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-25 19:28:11 · 11 answers · asked by tejas_fundo 3

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West.

Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.

He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"

Helen looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Helen looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
DIFFERENT?"

Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Helen replies, "SHOULDA BOUGHT A HAT SAM, SHOULDA BOUGHT A HAT!."

2006-11-25 19:26:40 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very handsome and confident man walked in to a bar,and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman,he gives he a quick glance, and looks at his watch...

The woman noticed and said " Is your date running late"

No! he replies, I've just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it"

The woman asks "Why is the watch so special"?

"It uses alpha waves and telepathically talks to me" says the man.

"We'll whats it telling you now? she asks

"Well its says your wearing no panties? the man replied.

The woman giggles and say" It must be broken as I am wearing panties?

The man tap's the face of the watch and explains " Damn thing must be an hour fast"......"

2006-11-25 19:24:22 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Local owner of supermaket was arrested by police for performing oral sex on a woman at 11pm in his store behind closed doors.

At court the judge said there was no case and let him off.

The reason why ? Quite easy, he held a late licker licence?

2006-11-25 19:20:52 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two babies in a pram and one say's to the other "Are you a wee boy or girl".

The other baby reply's "I don't know, how can you tell"

So the first baby looks under the covers of the pram and say's " Your a girl and I'm a boy"

The girl say's "How can you tell"

And the boy say's " Easy! I've got blue boots on and you have pink ones"

2006-11-25 19:18:02 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous