Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

They bury them alive.

2006-11-26 02:42:13 · 14 answers · asked by ........ 3

His mate was a first aid expert. He scooped up the hand, put it in a bag of ice and took the victim and the bag to hospital.
A week later, the victim was back at work, his hand sewn back on, full of praise for his quick-thinking mate. "The surgeon said you did a brilliant job. It was only your actions that saved my hand, he told me"
Two days later, the same poor guy severs his head. The same friend scoops up the head, puts it in a bag of ice and takes it and his friend straight to hospital.
A month passes by, and there's no sign of the guy returning to work, so the first-aider pays a visit to the hospital.
"I've come to visit my friend who had his head chopped off" he says to the doctor.
The doctor replies, "I'm sorry, but there was nothing we could do for him"
The first aider says, "Well, I suppose it was too much to expect you to sew his head back on"
The doctor replies, "No, that wasn't the problem. The thing is, the poor sod suffocated in that bag of ice!"

2006-11-26 02:36:08 · 8 answers · asked by Roy S 3

2006-11-26 02:33:05 · 15 answers · asked by Mike Love 1

I submitted a joke last night which I love, but most people didn't seem to get......so try this one for size.
Maybe someone other than the British will get this one?


Little Johhny wakes up in the middle on the night to have a pee, and walks past his single mums bedroom door, and he hears her saying "I need a man, I need a man"
Because he is only a young lad, he dosen't really understand these things and so carries on to the bathroom.

The next night he wakes up again to do a wee and walks past his mums bedroom door, and he sees her lying with a man.

He dashes to the toilet and goes as quickly as he can, and then runs back to his own bedroom and says,
"I need a new BMX, I need a new BMX"

2006-11-26 02:25:13 · 18 answers · asked by godlykepower 4

2006-11-26 02:20:26 · 3 answers · asked by dude 5

line some shovels against a wall and ask him to take his pick

2006-11-26 02:17:28 · 19 answers · asked by taxed till i die,and then some. 7

Hopefully someone will come up with some extremely funny ones appropriate for an 8-year-old. Any contributors?

2006-11-26 02:15:23 · 10 answers · asked by Rebecca 5

a guy named Fred asked another guy named Bob to go hunting in the woods by his house..
so Bob told his wife they were going hunting in the woods by their house..
so they go out..later on Fred looks into the big window on Bob's house and says there is a guy in your house with your wife
Bob looks and says..shoot my wife in the head and the guy in the private spot
Fred says ok Bob i can get that in ONE shot!! haha

2006-11-26 02:11:56 · 19 answers · asked by halvey_37 1

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.

Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in 'the act'.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

2006-11-26 02:11:46 · 11 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

The tooth fairies took all her teeth out -_-

2006-11-26 02:11:06 · 13 answers · asked by Koko ; 4

ive had multiple girlfriends
One was really annoying and tall..
I really liked one till she dumped me..
o yeah i also dated this midget girl that was about as tall as my thighs...and man was i NUTS over her...get it...thats for the guys

2006-11-26 02:08:23 · 10 answers · asked by halvey_37 1

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first.

After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.

The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis.

"The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway ... about 15 ft.

"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.

2006-11-26 01:54:17 · 22 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Dont think abut her massage.Tray to think who sent it to ur girlfreind

2006-11-26 01:49:18 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

He saw her wife in the movie. after seeing movei the man said???????
what he said

2006-11-26 01:29:48 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is four that comes together and meets in the middle?

2006-11-26 01:28:08 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

custumer asked to shopkeeper is this bed is strong ?
shopkeeper .--it is good and strong sir
customer .is it verry strong ?
shopkeepr --- may i ask sir why u r asking this
The customer said whispering my newly married sun will sleep with his wife on it. is it strong enough?
shopkeeper said proudly dont bother sir if whole
town will sleep with her sir it will not break//////////

2006-11-26 01:23:25 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

she asked a Q... all students drow a femel reproductive organ.
One girl feels verry shay she looks down ,with shy/


A verry inteligent boy shouted.
M A D A MMMM look look she is copying

2006-11-26 01:04:11 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN…"
”Somebody once told me …”

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS
TO THE QUESTIONS...”
”This is my excuse, hope you like it…”.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"
”The total number of samples were three”

"THE TYPICALCHART RESULTS ARE SHOWN..”
”This is the most un-confusing graph I could come up with..”

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"
I ‘m going to hire a secretary..

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE…"
”Wrong, wrong, Plain Wrong…”

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS…"
”Rumor has it..”

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
”My wild wild guess is that…”

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
”I lost three pages of my report…this is all I have left…”

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS OCCURS"
”I don't understand it....and I never will.”

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY…"
”A totally useless topic that I discovered…”
"
"IN MY EXPERIENCE...”
”Once…

"IN CASE AFTER CASE...”
”Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES…”
”Three times..

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
”Ummm, I think.”

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT…"
”My buddies think so too..”

2006-11-26 01:00:50 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week,
so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
Look, it's not the same hat
Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!
Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another. After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?

2006-11-26 00:50:18 · 31 answers · asked by Pd 6

heres the story:
in u`r attic (or basement) u find an old lamp that u never even knew existed. U`r curiosity over the thing makes u open it up. A magical gene pops out at u and tells u u have three wishes. -and the whole "I wish i had more wishes thing" is disproved, so u can`t wish that. ALL WISHES MUST BE APPROPRIATE AND CLEAN!

...so u close u`r eyes and say: "I wish for ______________, ________________, and ________________!"

...after i get a good responce of answers, i will add on to the story, so please check bak 2 c the second part of this question!

2006-11-26 00:38:47 · 14 answers · asked by . 2

Ok, here's one for everyone...

Pick a number between 1 and 10.

Now multiply your chosen number by 9.

If you have a 2 digit answer, add both numbers together (i.e. 12 = 3).

Now subtract 5.

From the number you now have, assign a letter to it in the order of the alphabet (i.e. A=1, B=2, C=3 etc).

You should now have a letter. Pick a country starting with that letter.

Now think of an Animal beginning with the letter 'E'.

Which country and animal have you chosen?

Let's see what everyone thinks of. Please do not try to change your answer after you find out what everyone else has thought of.

2006-11-26 00:38:20 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-26 00:15:26 · 35 answers · asked by Bungle, Zippy & George 1

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir,
Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just
seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step............ I joined the Democratic Party.

2006-11-26 00:14:45 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

2006-11-25 23:18:47 · 36 answers · asked by GS 3

i am looking a quick poll of how many people looks at the bog roll after they wipe their **** after a cr ap

2006-11-25 22:49:11 · 26 answers · asked by blackstuffguiness 2

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making
dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to
tell his mother what he wanted."Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Johny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for
his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did.

Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Johnny

Johnny knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God, This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Johnny

Johnny knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Johnny

Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. Johnny
was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go church.

"Just be home in time for dinner", his mother said.

Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.

He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary and slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and
a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed
YOU KNOW WHO

2006-11-25 22:29:57 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck.
She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less."
"And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending.

2006-11-25 22:16:10 · 9 answers · asked by some dude 3

... The nurse starts with certain basic items.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"115," she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.

It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"

2006-11-25 22:10:12 · 14 answers · asked by some dude 3

If a herring and a half cost three haipence, how much does half a herring cost?

2006-11-25 22:08:43 · 14 answers · asked by Hi T 7

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

2006-11-25 22:07:49 · 8 answers · asked by some dude 3