Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

A Texan oil man is fishing in the gulf off his yatch. He pulls out an old oil lamp and wipes off the dirt.
A genie pops up and says "Master, you have one wish, anything you want."
The oil man says "One wish? Usually genies give you 3 wishes."
The genie says " The earlier Texans threw me back in after one wish. Said they had everything the ever wanted and if they ever wanted anything else they'd buy it. But just to humor me asked for one thing."
"Well" said the man, "I guess I'll do the same. Just make me a martini, not too dry."
Boom and the oilman was a martini, not too dry.

2006-11-26 08:30:56 · 8 answers · asked by Everyman 3

One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.

"And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife." said the man.

2006-11-26 08:29:43 · 27 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

2006-11-26 08:22:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-26 08:19:51 · 17 answers · asked by Dr Whites 1

a pub with a cat and a dog. The cat jumps on top of the piano and starts to sing while the dog plays the keyboard. The barman says bloody hell mate you want to get those two on the telly you could make a fortune. Nah says the bloke it's not what you think the cat can't sing the dogs a ventriloquist. !!!!!!!!

2006-11-26 08:18:40 · 10 answers · asked by Shredder 6

A farmer plows up an old copper lamp.

He takes the lamp back to his farm house and begins to polish it up when out pops a genie.

"Master," says the genie, "I will grant you 3 wishes."

The farmer thinks for a bit and then says, "I want a face as handsome as Elvis."

"As you wish, master."

BOOM! his face transforms into a very handsome face.

"Next, I would like you to fill my living room with money," says the farmer.

"As you wish, master."

BOOM! his living room fills with money.

The farmer thinks about his third wish, as he is thinking he looks out the window and begins to grin.

"Genie," says the farmer, "Give me 'one' like the horse up on the hill."

The genie also grins, "As you wish, master."

BOOM! The farmer looks down to see a huge vagina form between his legs.

2006-11-26 08:10:39 · 19 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

2006-11-26 08:03:47 · 5 answers · asked by ryan s 5

it will have a white cross on a white background lol

2006-11-26 07:57:41 · 8 answers · asked by ryan s 5

The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and knocks on the door. A nun answers and says "Can I help you, my child?" Happy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this convent?" The nun is puzzled, and says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent." Happy thinks for a minute, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this city?" The nun says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this city." So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the dwarves. Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers and says "What now?" Doc says, "Ok, are there any 3 foot nuns in this state?" The nun says "No! There are no 3 foot nuns!" Doc thinks, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this country?" The nun is starting to get mad, and says "NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!" So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle. A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers. Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns on this continent?" The nun says "NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!" Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns anywhere in the world?" The nun says "NO!!" and slams the door in this face. Sleepy returns to the huddle, then a few minutes later, all the dwarves start running around laughing and chanting "DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN! DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN!"

2006-11-26 07:57:27 · 23 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A porcupine has pricks on the outside

2006-11-26 07:55:23 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

“Your going to come across a lot of shitty bands, and a lot of shitty people. And if anyone of those people call you names because of what you look like, or because they don't accept you for who you are. I want you to look right at that motherf****r, stick up your middle finger, and scream F**K YOU!”



“Look at me, with my pretty bracelet and tiara... I'm a f****n' princess!”



GUESS!! I GOT THEM OFF A SITE!

2006-11-26 07:52:55 · 5 answers · asked by ♥ 3

it has 4 gears 3 for reverse and one forward just in case they get attacked from behind

2006-11-26 07:52:11 · 4 answers · asked by ryan s 5

what gets about 50 years older per second?

if you dont get it, type in 'the guy above me knows but he doesn't wanna say'.

i'll tell you the answer in about half an hour.

2006-11-26 07:46:57 · 11 answers · asked by the soccer guy 3

women will blow a paycheck without hesitation

2006-11-26 07:44:07 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I`d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I`ll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,"How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That`s wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this(small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That`s admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

2006-11-26 07:43:47 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

nobody knows

2006-11-26 07:35:28 · 8 answers · asked by ryan s 5

A conga line at an old peoples home

2006-11-26 07:34:51 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A father and son are in a car accident. The father dies and the son is rushed to hospital. The doctor looks at him and says I can't treat him, he's my son.
Who's the doctor?

2006-11-26 07:33:56 · 24 answers · asked by daisy_chain23 1

For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female,faced each other in a city park,until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want to." And with a clap of his hand, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorically.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down, and I'll sh*t on it's head

2006-11-26 07:31:28 · 21 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

... ok so there was a mouse with her baby mice following behind her when a cat pounces out and starts hissing at them. all the baby mice hid behind their mother who sat up on her hind legs and said "WOOF!". the cat turned and ran away. The mother mouse turned to her babies and said " That is why it is good to learn a second language."

that was one of my grandpa's cheesy jokes :D

2006-11-26 07:30:05 · 10 answers · asked by Olivia 3

i came home from the pub today and there was a packet of fairy washing powder on my television.
i said to the wife ''wots that doing there''and she said''i couldnt find the ariel'

TO THOSE THAT DONT KNOW ARIEL IS ANOTHER WASHINGPOWDER.so itwas a play on wrds geditt

2006-11-26 07:28:39 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kinds of boobs?" Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't... there are all kinds of breasts... depending on a woman's age - in her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?" The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration

2006-11-26 07:25:49 · 20 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A group of Aussie gangsters are sitting around deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing a bank.

After a lot of thought, they all agree on the way to go about it.

In the wee hours of the following morning they meet and embark on their plans to get rich.

Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system get under way immediately.

The robbers, expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables, are more than surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank.

The first safe's combination is cracked and inside the robbers find only a bowl of vanilla pudding.

'Well,' says one robber to another, 'at least we get a bit to eat.'

They open up the second safe and it also contains nothing but vanilla pudding and the process continues until all the safes are opened and there is not one dollar, a diamond, or an ounce of gold to be found.

Instead, all the safes contain containers of pudding.

Disappointed, each of the mobsters makes a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.

The following morning, a Sydney newspaper headline reads, 'Australia's largest sperm bank robbed early this morning.'

2006-11-26 07:23:14 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

2006-11-26 07:21:30 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

With intestinal pain.
Doctor sent him away with a script, telling him to return in 2 weeks
When he returned, he complained that the medication had had no effect.
Doctor asked if he had followed instructions on packet .
'Yes, well, not exactly. The instructions say to place one in back passage every morning. We don't have a back passage, so I put them in the hall. For all the good they did, I might as well have stuck them up my ar*e'

2006-11-26 07:09:38 · 15 answers · asked by lulu 6

If you have a cold hot pocket, is it just a pocket?

2006-11-26 07:07:43 · 10 answers · asked by Broken_Inside 1

Okay, let's be creative. Most of us know WHY, but HOW creative could our chicken be?

2006-11-26 07:05:09 · 9 answers · asked by isingmore 3

2006-11-26 06:54:28 · 9 answers · asked by The "Spence" 2

There was a blonde, brunette and a red head. They were men. They were at a construction site and they opened there lunch. The blonde had a PBandJ, the brunette had a hamburger and the red head had a cheeseburger. They all said if i have this tommorrow i am going 2 jump of the roof. The next day they had thoose sandwiches. They jumped off the roof. The police man came to the red heads wife and she said i didnt know and the brunettes wife said i didnt know. The police officer came to the blondes wife and she was cracking up. The police officer said why are u laughing. She said he packed his own lunch. I hope you enjoyed it. tell me if it is funny or not.

2006-11-26 06:54:22 · 15 answers · asked by k-la 2

This is an old logic puzzle. One philosopher had a clock, which he had forgotten to wind up. He had no other clock, watch, radio, TV, phone or any other device telling the time. So when his clock stopped he went to a friend, stayed there the whole night and when he came home, he knew the right time.
How could he know?

2006-11-26 06:52:31 · 12 answers · asked by fig 1