Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

because he's got little legs

2006-11-26 11:04:42 · 22 answers · asked by holmegirl 3

I accidentally left a dollar bill in the pocket of my jeans when I washed them. Could I be arrested for. . .
MONEY LAUNDERING???

2006-11-26 11:03:32 · 23 answers · asked by Bubbles 1

2006-11-26 11:03:07 · 15 answers · asked by Robert D 1

When is it going to land you in trouble when you "kick the habit?"




When there's a nun wearing it!! :D

2006-11-26 10:57:47 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ive had a bad day and i was wondering if anyone could tell me some really funny jokes to help me feel better......also i was wonndering if anyone knew how old Drake Bell is.

2006-11-26 10:54:50 · 11 answers · asked by Hannah HaYwIrE!?1♥ 3

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

2006-11-26 10:53:03 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is moron cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

2006-11-26 10:37:40 · 42 answers · asked by Dharshi 2

should i.........

2006-11-26 10:37:39 · 22 answers · asked by charley7515 2

1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Some Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Some Nuts
1 bottle tequila (preferably Jose Cuervo Gold, or better yet, Hornitos)
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the tequila first to check the quality. Take a large bowl and check
the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality, it is best to pour
one-level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one
cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar.
Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is
still OK. Try another cup... just in case. Turn off the mixerer
thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of fried
druit. Pick the frigging druit up off floor. Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the bleaterers just pry it loose with a
drewscriver. Sample the tequila again to check for tonsisticity.

Next,sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift
the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of
sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn
the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to
beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat. Nobody likes
fruitcake
anyway!
CHERRY MISTMAS!

2006-11-26 10:30:43 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says,
"Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and
then...."

he sighed...

"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

2006-11-26 10:13:22 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-26 10:03:40 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after
we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the
driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes
off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in
the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for
staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say,
'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

2006-11-26 09:56:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,
he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,
boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give
me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or
not."

2006-11-26 09:47:36 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud
of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her
objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the
top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

2006-11-26 09:42:27 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-26 09:39:23 · 5 answers · asked by Taina Devi 1

The topic is arrestable offences & crimes, i.e. -

A - Aggravated vehicle taking
B - Burglary
C - ????

Help!

And does anyone have any more topics - ie chocolate bars, cars etc...

2006-11-26 09:30:44 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-26 09:30:05 · 12 answers · asked by tudeybooty 1

the drink is duly served but the man asks"where is the ice i asked for?" paddy the barman says "i'm sorry we have no ice right now because brian who makes it is off sick and he didn;t leave the recipe"

2006-11-26 09:17:14 · 11 answers · asked by peter.w 4

whoever can guess my age from these clues will get the points.
-right now, I listen to Greenday and Avril Laveigne
-my room is pink and yellow and has flamingos everywhere
-I have to wake up at 5:45 every morning
-I wear pink almost every other day
-fashion is very important to me
-Jesse McCartney and Sawyer (from Lost) are the hottest guys ever

2006-11-26 09:10:32 · 36 answers · asked by Wind 1

What town doesn't have crime in the STREETS?


hint: boot shape country

2006-11-26 09:08:33 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-26 09:07:17 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bull. The cow gives you milk, the bull charges you.

Come on y'all that is funny, right????

2006-11-26 09:03:45 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-26 09:02:27 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

surveying his troops the night before the big do at Hastings. The lancers are fine and the swordsmen seem in good order so he moves on to the archers. One man seems to be having a hell of a problem with his bow and can't get the hang of it. King Harold says to his aide, keep that fellow under close supervision, he'll have somebodys eye out tomorrow !!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-26 09:00:54 · 10 answers · asked by Shredder 6

hint: play on sound of words

2006-11-26 09:00:17 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-26 08:57:34 · 10 answers · asked by jessika 1

Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick

2006-11-26 08:37:27 · 20 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

this bloke goes to the toilet. The place is all black and charred and he wonders what the hell has happened. When he comes out he asks the landlord what has gone on. Well says the landlord the other night a pak (coloured chap, i'm learning !!) went in there and set himself on fire, so we've organised a whip round for the family. Oh says the bloke how are you doing, not bad says the landlord we've got enough for eight gallons so far !!!!!!!!

2006-11-26 08:35:39 · 11 answers · asked by Shredder 6

as i walked in , i stepped in a big pile of dog poo and slid all the way to the bar and banged my head. as i was getting up, a big guy slipped on the same poo, slid up to the bar, and landed next to me. i said "i just did that" he grabed me and rubbed my f king nose in it.

2006-11-26 08:35:17 · 13 answers · asked by electrikery 2

2006-11-26 08:31:26 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous