Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

clean funny jokes please

2006-11-26 22:12:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally
said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a
small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go... If I'd known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

2006-11-26 22:04:21 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the
drink on your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward

2. Symptom : The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause : You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause : You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite drink!

4. Symptom : The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you!

5. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause : You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!

6. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.

7 . Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and
the music is very repetitive.
Cause : You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

2006-11-26 21:56:56 · 6 answers · asked by ShashiSG 2

As I was going to St. Levis I met with seven wives
Each wife with seven sacks
Each sack with seven cats
Each cat with seven kits
Wives sacks cats kits.
How many were going to St Levis?

2006-11-26 21:55:25 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

pessimist or optimist...?

2006-11-26 21:45:30 · 17 answers · asked by imyagoodluckcharm 2

how birds have sex? have you ever seen it?

2006-11-26 21:32:47 · 3 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

There was this Newfoundland priest hearing confessions when he had a sudden urge to take a piss. He didn't want to close down the confessionals so he decides to find someone to fill on for a couple of minutes while he relieves himself. He looks outside and there is a janitor standing there. The priest asks him if he will fill in for a few minutes.
The janitor is reluctant because he doesn't know much about the job. The priest explains that people come in and confess, and you just read the chart on the wall, and give the appropriate pennance. The janitor agrees and the priest hurries off to the washroom. A guy comes in and confesses to the janitor that he has committed oral sex. The janitor looks at the chart, but the penalty for oral sex isn't on the list. He didn't know what to do, so he decided to ask someone. He looks outside and theres a choir boy standing there. The janitor says "What does the Father usually give for oral sex?" The choir boy replies "Usually just a bag of chips"

2006-11-26 21:24:28 · 12 answers · asked by ya_face_sux 1

I need a funny or a serious answer. But I prefer u to give me funny answer. That doesn't mean that ur not supposed to say any serious answer. If it is good (both, serious and funny answers) i wiil choose as best answer. The rule is that u should write atleast 10 wishes. If u wanna e-mail me, u can e-mail me to annettepaul4@yahoo.com or passioncrimson@hotmail.com

2006-11-26 21:24:12 · 8 answers · asked by annettepaul4 2

Damn Kids!

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon
inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have
been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating
situation. So he puts up a sign that reads, "Warning: One
Of These Watermelons Contains Cyanide!

The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of
the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another
sign that reads: "Now There Are Two!"

2006-11-26 21:09:01 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are in a car travelling at constant speed. To your left is fire engine. In front is galloping pig you cant overtake. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level, all are travelling at the same speed as you. What do you do to get out of this dangerous situation?


Simple, get off the kids Merry-go-round.

2006-11-26 21:04:40 · 20 answers · asked by mysquello 2

mInEs BlUe
cAuSe iT MaKeS Me fEeL GoOd

2006-11-26 20:50:46 · 20 answers · asked by TiGa 2

So situation is this...

What wud u do if your boat sank in the middle of the sea, grasping for your dear life and suddenly a crocodile appears and it's coming to you?

2006-11-26 20:05:39 · 15 answers · asked by pit_bulldog 3

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, ''When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say '***'.''

The 4-year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, ''Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."

The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, ''And what would YOU like for breakfast?''

''I don't know,'' the 4-year-old blubbers, ''but you can bet your *** it's not gonna be Cheerios!''

2006-11-26 19:45:05 · 7 answers · asked by GreekGurl84 2

Not Entirely Identical Twins
A man is sitting with two women, seemingly identical twins. One of the women always tells the truth, the other always lies, but the man does not know which one is which. The women have served him a pair of drinks, one of which contains a tasteless, odorless, but deadly poison, the other the cure for a fatal disease he has contracted. Before choosing which glass to drink, the man may ask one question of one of the women. Can you formulate a question that would guarantee the safety of the drink chosen?
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I put, Would you like a drink of my drink? but I mean I guess both ladies could turn it down and the guy would be screwed! So, any ideas?

2006-11-26 19:24:59 · 16 answers · asked by Nikki2 2

2006-11-26 19:18:52 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I don't know... Some people claim that if hearing jingle bells played in reverse, You could hear a demonic message.. I don't know.. I listen and didn''t hear anything.. Do you?

http://www.starterupsteve.com/flash/html/jingle_bells_reversed.shtml

2006-11-26 19:18:03 · 5 answers · asked by emanon 6

2006-11-26 19:02:52 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

dont even think about saying "how much would could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?"!!! Thank you. :) But why? Is it one of those joke names?

2006-11-26 18:20:52 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

If there is 2 loins in one room, the room has one door only no windows, you and the love of your life the one you would do the impossible for was in that room also. The good news for you is you have a gun :) but there is also a bad news which is buddy you have only one bullet. Now remember the loin and remember how fast he is and remember also there is 2 of them. I want you to think really good about this and i want you to picture it very well in your mind. Would you shoot your self and never see the time that your love will be eaten by the loins or would you shoot one loin and Russell the other loin willing to make her escape and you die, or you shoot her before she feels the pain behind the loins teeth. The problem is none of these that i mentioned is the right solution LOL. yeb it is not. what i want you to give me is how will you and your love escape that room to the door with out any scratch ??!!! and remember there is one loin in front of you and one in the back? Think :)

2006-11-26 18:20:21 · 14 answers · asked by § 2

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

How is an outfielder like a spider?
A: The both catch flies :)

Hehhe... And here is today's riddle:

Why do people like to play poker with ghosts?

Good luck!

2006-11-26 17:41:49 · 13 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-11-26 17:39:53 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-26 17:07:16 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

one dark nite in the middle of the day,two dead soldiers got up to fight, back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other, a deaf policeman heard the noise came to arrest two dead boys, if you dont believe my story is true, ask that blind man, he saw it too..LOL :<)

2006-11-26 16:59:21 · 8 answers · asked by buckbuchanan99 2

What kind of song is 20 Pound Dime?

2006-11-26 16:56:15 · 5 answers · asked by Kevin H 7

We answered a really hurtful question from a man(?) who wanted ratings on three really bad racial jokes. He claim alliance with the kkk. My question is that we wanted to see how others answered it but, we can not find it any where. It isn't even in my section where all my questions are posted. What happened to it.

2006-11-26 16:44:25 · 9 answers · asked by ? 2

Can a blind man see his future? and if u stick a rod thru the earths crust and if u go down tht rod are u going up or down .. Or r u going down to the north pole or if u manage to go down climb then r u goin up to the south pole. ???????

2006-11-26 16:31:44 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations. The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa--filled with rage--threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?"

2006-11-26 16:26:56 · 10 answers · asked by ? 5

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"


Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.



What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

2006-11-26 16:23:49 · 12 answers · asked by ? 5

This Lady I know says when she was young she always hung out with cool cats. She says I ain't no cool cat. Please help.

2006-11-26 16:18:06 · 10 answers · asked by Ted 2

2006-11-26 16:18:03 · 5 answers · asked by ショーン 3