Can i have funny one liner jokes please?

Question

clean funny jokes please

Answer 1

ok, you can flirt with a nun, but you can't get in the habit ??what did Mr Dumpty say to Mrs. Dumpty, How bout some egg head ??? what is endless love? stevie wonder and ray charles playing tennis ???what do yoy get when u cross lassie & a pittbull,,?a dog that rips your foot off, then goes for help ? why are hellen kellers ankels yellow ? her dogs blind too ? why hellen keller dosen't drive ?? duhh, she's a woman how dose hellen keller"s caregiver punish her ? leaves the plunger in the toilet ? and WHY are there interstate highways on Hawii ??

Answer 2

A certain English lady visited Switzerland and was having difficulty finding a room, so she asked the local schoolmaster to help her. After a satisfactory room had been found, she returned to her home and did some packing.

Suddenly, it occured to her that she hadn't noticed a W.C. (in England, the toilet is called a Water Closet), so she wrote the schoolmaster about the W.C.

The Schoolmaster, not knowing the meaning, asked the parish priest and together they decided that it must mean "Wayside Chapel." He wrote her the following letter:


Dear Madame,

It is my pleasure to inform you that there is a W.C. just 9 miles from your home, in the center of a grove of pine trees. It seats 229 people, and it is open on Thursdays and Sundays. This is an unfortunate situation if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will, no
doubt, be glad to hear that some people bring their lunches and make a day of it.

I would especially recommend Thursdays, for then there is an Organ accompaniment. The accoustics in the W.C. are excellent; even the most delicate sound can be heard.

My son was married in the W.C. and there was such a rush for seats that 10 people had to sit in the same seat. The looks on their faces were very interesting.

My wife is sickly but dedicated. She doesn't go reguraly, and she hasn't gone for nearly a year.

I will be glad to reserve a seat in the W.C. for you, where you will be seen and heard by everyone.

Hoping I have been of some assistance.

Sincerely yours,
The Schoolmaster

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A somewhat advanced society has figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.

The pharmacist says: "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature.

"What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks: "Do you have a pill for math?" The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back to the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plonks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replies, "Well you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

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A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

"The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor. She had lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, thats amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "Ill tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor."

"No, from all that skipping!"
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Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen, the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.

The blondes applauded.
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The difference a little punctuation mark makes:
Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?

Gloria



Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being
useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

Answer 3

Q: What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress' nametag?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?''

She is so blonde that, when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left,” she turned around and went back home.

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. She responded, ''Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.''

On an application form, what does a blonde put down for ''SEX?''
''Lots.''
A blonde bought an a.m. radio and it took her a month to find out she could listen to it at night

Answer 4

I got 4 to tell u.

What do u get when u cross an elephant with a gofer?
Really big holes in your yard.

Why did the blonde freeze to death at the movie theater?
She went to see Closed for the Season.
(No offense to any blondes out there).

Why did the blonde get fired from the m&m factory?
She threw out all the W's

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get another fence.

I hope u like these jokes.=)

Answer 5

What do a blonde and a tortoise have in common? Once they're on their back, they're screwed!

How do you make a dog drink? First you need a big blender.

Who wrote the book 'The Russian circumcision'? Ivanakatchokokov!

Hope you like these jokes! ;)

Answer 6

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.

Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.

“Shawn,” said Pat, “can you hear me?”

Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.”

Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?”

”Yes, I do Patty,” Shawn strained.

“And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?” said Pat.

“Yes Patty, I do,” whispered Shawn.

''It's a very ‘old’ bottle now, you know,” urged Pat.

“And what are you gettin' at Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly.

“Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?”


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question : Why do birds fly west !!
Answer: Because its too far for them to walk !!

Answer 7

How Does a Sardar Cheat the Railways?? He buys the ticket but doesn't travel !!!!!!!!

Answer 8

What does a woman say after sex when she has been completely satisfied? I didn't think you would know...

Answer 9

Two nuns in a bath, one says to the other "where's the soap?" The other replies "yes, it does doesn't it!"

Answer 10

wow kudos to the dog drink joke...lol

Justin