Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

this is a joke i made up,try and guess the anwser and tell why u guessed that # come back to see the anwser!!

2006-11-27 02:14:52 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a hotel in the middle of nowhere. Hardly anyone ever stayed there. One day, three people stayed at the hotel; a cowboy, a smart blonde, and Santa Claus. The next day all of the money was missing from the safe. The hotel manager knew it was one of these three because no one else had been there for months. Who stole the money?? *************************************************************************************************************************** *************************************************************************************************************************************** ********************************************************************************************************************************** *********************************************************************************************************************************************** The cowboy stole the money! Why?? **************************************************************************** ****************************************************************************************************************************************** None of the others exist!

2006-11-27 01:30:42 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

2006-11-27 01:13:23 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the significance of putting couloured feathers under ones pillow?

2006-11-27 01:13:02 · 11 answers · asked by Lynne 1

A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal got a huge chunk of money moved to town set up their computers got squared away and began designing their questionnaires and such.While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.
"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the FOUR o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

2006-11-27 01:12:36 · 22 answers · asked by Pd 6

Hayley loves seeing movies.
She goes twice a week to
see a film and eats sweets.
She likes the sweets best.

2006-11-27 01:12:32 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

2006-11-27 01:11:36 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

181,

what chinese for 69?

twocan chew

2006-11-27 01:11:22 · 5 answers · asked by I'm In Love With Delicious 3

As above, any good/bad stories?

2006-11-27 01:08:38 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-27 01:07:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

they both don't exist.

this is just a joke if you don't like then comment on it rather than reporting.

2006-11-27 00:55:33 · 5 answers · asked by anitha 4

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a Private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting General. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

"Yes sir", the solder answered, apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And, I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But, when two squirrels ran up my pants leg, and I heard the bigger one say, 'Let's eat one now, and save the other until winter' -- that did it!"

2006-11-27 00:51:13 · 24 answers · asked by Pd 6

A BLACK BOX!

2006-11-27 00:41:59 · 9 answers · asked by tumbleweed1954 6

... one says to the other, "I was brought up round 'ere y'know."

Possibly the worst joke I have ever heard. Anyone got any others?

2006-11-27 00:41:41 · 8 answers · asked by Push It 1

The place is Piccadilly
The players He and She.
She whispered "will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a simple process,
You can rely on me"
She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it 5 times
And said it can be sore"
Then finally contented
She laid back and relaxed a bit
Quickly he bent over
And started it.
It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been quite a size
"Calm yourself" he whispered
His face filled with a grin
"Try and open a bit wider
So I can get it in"
"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I'm glad I'm having this"
And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He worked quickly now
And rapidly pulled it out
She lay back quite contented
And said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while".
Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!

2006-11-27 00:36:44 · 22 answers · asked by Pd 6

A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.

The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. He thinks for a while and says let's put, 'you are not getting older you are getting better'.

The salesman asks 'how do you want me to put it?'

The man says, Well put 'You are not getting older', at the top and 'You are getting better' at the bottom.

The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened.

The entire party watched the message decorated on the cake

'You are not getting older at the top, You are getting better at the bottom'.

2006-11-27 00:34:17 · 25 answers · asked by GS 3

if someone makes it and sells it and someone buys it, uses it and doesn't know that they are using it, what is it?

2006-11-27 00:30:00 · 16 answers · asked by tribalgirlie 2

2006-11-27 00:03:14 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

first. Have you ever had a voilation for telling someone "that was a good joke", I have and i'm getting a bit p****d off with it. Anyway joke time. What a coincidence, the instructions for opening a carton of orange juice are the same as when your with a woman! Pull back flaps to release the juice !!!!!!! Oh Oh another violation on it's way, watch this space !!!!!

2006-11-26 23:54:20 · 20 answers · asked by Shredder 6

2006-11-26 23:52:09 · 10 answers · asked by Peter O 1

There is a man that just got done eating dinner and he was on his way to a party.

Half way there he said, "man i really gotta take a dump." he got off the freeway, found an abandoned gas station went in there and took a dump.

While he was taking this dump he read a sign that said "There is no tolet paper... You have wipe your *** with your first two fingers, then stick them out the hole and they will be licked clean for you."

Well, he had no choice so he wiped his *** with his fingers and stuck them out the hole.

All of a sudden a guy with two bricks smacked his fingers.

The man screamed with pain and licked his own fingers.

2006-11-26 23:39:51 · 12 answers · asked by faz_94 2

what is the difference between a hard and light














you can sleep with a light on!!!!!!!!

add any of your ony if you want

2006-11-26 23:26:19 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

lady says meals? i thought you said three males a days>

2006-11-26 23:25:26 · 9 answers · asked by sarath m 2

Sorry it so long, but well worth it. Courts gone mad. lol

>>>Time once again to review the winners of the Annual
>>>
>>>"Stella Awards."
>>>
>>>The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled
>>>hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That
>>>case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous,
>>>successful lawsuits in the United States. According to reliable legal
>>>analysists, for every idiot who wins a case, thousands of other
>>>imbeciles don't make it that far. We can thank our lucky stars for that,
>>>because it's you and me who end up paying for these mental midgets
>>>awards as companies pass the cost on to the consumers.
>>>
>>>When I was growing up, my folks told me that if I did something stupid,
>>>I'd have no one to blame but myself. I guess the Stella awards prove my
>>>folks, and every other law-abiding, intelligent person who takes
>>>responsibility for his or her own actions, dead wrong! AND I firmly
>>>believe that everyone on these juries should be locked up and the keys
>>>thrown away!!
>>>
>>>
>>>Here are this year's winners:
>>>
>>>5th Place (tie):
>>>Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of
>>>her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
>>>running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were
>>>understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving
>>>little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
>>>
>>>5th Place (tie):
>>>19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses
>>>when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
>>>apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when
>>>he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.
>>>
>>>5th Place (tie):
>>>Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had
>>>just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the
>>>garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.
>>>He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and
>>>garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and
>>>Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He
>>>subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.
>>>He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him
>>>undue mental anguish.
>>>
>>>The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000. This is so outrageous
>>>that it should have been 2nd Place!
>>>
>>>4th Place:
>>>Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500. and
>>>medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
>>>neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced
>>>yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might
>>>have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had
>>>climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with
>>>a pellet gun.
>>>
>>>3rd Place:
>>>A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
>>>Pennsylvania, $113,500. after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
>>>coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had
>>>thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
>>>
>>>2nd Place:
>>>Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a
>>>night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window
>>>to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while
>>>Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to
>>>avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental
>>>expenses.
>>>
>>>And drum roll please...........
>>>
>>>1st Place:
>>>
>>>This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,
>>>Oklahoma.
>>>
>>>(This one sounds eerily familiar, like an urban legend, but it is a
>>>mater of public record in 2005 at the Superior Court in Oklahoma City.
>>>And it just goes to show that you can't protect stupid people from
>>>themselves.)
>>>
>>>
>>>Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On
>>>her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the
>>>freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the
>>>driver's seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not
>>>surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
>>>Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual
>>>that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus
>>>a new motor home.
>>>
>>>The Winnebago company actually changed their vehicle operating manuals
>>>on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete
>>>morons in the world!

Lets all hurt ourselves, then sue someone else. Lol

2006-11-26 23:13:17 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

but i have a g8t sense of humor! some bloke told it me the otha night! What has 8 legs and scare women???????????????????????????????????? GANG RAPE!

2006-11-26 23:05:16 · 12 answers · asked by sweets 2

They are gonna make a film about Harold Shipman,staring Robert De Niro.......... The Old Dear Hunter .........keep smiling

2006-11-26 22:59:42 · 15 answers · asked by man with the golden gun 4

2006-11-26 22:56:37 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

On the way home, a husband and wife were having a heated arugement. They passed a barn with farm animals out in the front. The husband stopped and said to his wife "relatives of yours"? "yes" said the wife "my in-laws".

2006-11-26 22:43:41 · 19 answers · asked by RAW DIVA™ 5

This famous painter started loosing her eyesight and went to the best doctor in town, after a surgery and therapy her eyesight was restored fully.
The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter asked the doctor, 'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?'
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank the Lord, I'm not a gynecologist.'"

2006-11-26 22:27:16 · 26 answers · asked by Pd 6

was staying over at grandma's. After playing out side he came in and asked "nana what is it called when two people go to bed and one gets on top of the other". Remembering how she never lied to her own daughter she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse dear" This seemed to satisfy him and off he went to play again.After a short while he came running back in and said "nana it's not called sexual intercourse it's called bunk beds".

2006-11-26 22:26:02 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous