Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-27 06:13:50 · 3 answers · asked by cua13 2

I invented a new word. It is a word conveying great respect. Use it on your teachers, friends, high ranking officials, etc. The word is "utter plucker." It means, person of great respect. For example: Mr Senator sir, you are a great American, and a true utter plucker if I've ever seen one, etc. Please begin to use this word freely. You can also use it as a verb...you did an utter plucking good job of that Senator Jones, etc.

2006-11-27 06:05:21 · 11 answers · asked by http://fuelthearmy.com 3

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1971. Why?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

2006-11-27 05:54:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have developed a new technology which I'm about to market only students. In a nutshell, it allows, with a mere thought, to electrically jolt a teacher of your choice. The only problem is, it has one drawback. When you use it, your nose will produce five times the amount of boogers that it normally makes in one day.

So, as you can see, it poses a huge problem. A kid that uses the device ten times, may develope a serious injury.

Should I market this grand device? Or shall I hold off till I get the kinks ironed out? What are your thoughts on my device? I suppose it could also be used as a "reverse" weapon. Sell it to the enemy without instructions, etc?

2006-11-27 05:53:25 · 4 answers · asked by http://fuelthearmy.com 3

NAME GANG/CREW NAME___________ CRIB.

1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?

2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Dave wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. Tom got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knockup?

9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Joe's skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

2006-11-27 05:52:44 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

'Cause a man has two heads and a woman has four lips!!

2006-11-27 05:51:25 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes to las vegas for two weeks without his wife, he starts feeling horny and misses the way a women feels... so he goes up to a prostitute and asks "How much for a hand job" the prostitute replys $500 "wow says the man thats to expensive she goes "You see that casino over there i own that b,coz i give the best hand jobs ever. So the man hands her $500 and admitidly that was the best hed ever had.

He then asks "how much for a B**w job" She replys $1500 again the bloke says WHAT!!!! So she points out another bigger and better casiono and says"see that casino i own that coz i give the best B**w jobs in the world" so the man pays her $1500 and was amazed by her teqniques.

Then he asks her how much for full blown sex

She points to the whole of las vegas and says


"You see the rest of las vegas....that would be mine if i had a Pu**y"

lolololol

2006-11-27 05:48:27 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

2006-11-27 05:48:22 · 9 answers · asked by mr. fancy pants 3

then it would just cut itself!

2006-11-27 05:47:54 · 12 answers · asked by Joe Somebody 6

Because the bstards pull out with no thought of who else might be coming!!!!!!!

2006-11-27 05:45:55 · 30 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

Yes, I invented a spectacular toothpaste which is completely black in appearance. I made it using heavy amounts of black licorice and a few other special ingredients.

It tastes great (and less filling) but it does leave a person's mouth on the, ummm, heh, dark side. Amazingly enough, it does kill germs, cavities, plaque at twice the rate of other brands. The only draw back is, you'll have black teeth. Using the paste only once insures a good 10 hours of black teeth. But in those ten hours, your teeth are made incredibly clean of all filth.

Would you use it?

2006-11-27 05:45:48 · 8 answers · asked by http://fuelthearmy.com 3

Have you heard about the 2 gay judges who tried each other. c'mon.

2006-11-27 05:44:27 · 15 answers · asked by ? 4

Q. What's green, slimy, and smells like pork?

A. kermit's finger.

Can i get an Amen?

2006-11-27 05:40:20 · 8 answers · asked by VetteLeo 6

So I pick up this weird program, XP compatible no less, and it's an email program that allows me to email myself in the past. For example, the other day, I emailed myself 2 years in the past, before I made that crazy decision to lite a telephone pole on fire to see how it burned. The instant I did, I found myself with an extra ten grand in the bank.

I'm thinking of things that I can email my past self that will increase my postion today.

So I'm asking you, if you had this program (which you never will!), what would you email yourself?

2006-11-27 05:38:28 · 7 answers · asked by http://fuelthearmy.com 3

two muffins in the oven, first muffin says "man it's hot in here!" second muffin says "oh no a talking muffin"!!

2006-11-27 05:34:32 · 15 answers · asked by mamaexfour 4

A 15 year old girl with a lisp goes to the doctors for a check up,The doctor takes out his stethascope and says "big breaths"yes said the girl an i'm only 15.

2006-11-27 05:33:11 · 10 answers · asked by ? 4

Two goldfish in a tank,one turns to the other and says"I hope you know how to drive this thing.

2006-11-27 05:21:06 · 15 answers · asked by ? 4

Who can't live without Spell Check in their email or word software? It's a great tool...
Unless you are poor Paula Abdul who transforms into "Pail Abut" when the Spell Checker has at her.
The following TV and Movie Celebrities have been Spell Checked and are ready for you to uncover their true identities.
1. Court Coax
2. Action Cutter
3. Kite Wingless
4. Summon Cowbell
5. Mercy Stripe
6. Deli Moose
7. Camera Dies
8. Renew Sewage

If needed I'll post the hints in an hour or so.

2006-11-27 05:17:12 · 14 answers · asked by Lilel 4

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

2006-11-27 05:16:54 · 7 answers · asked by toppopsy 3

2006-11-27 05:07:05 · 10 answers · asked by Blade 3

A muslim woman with a veil on knocked on my door,i did not answer it i spoke to her through the letter box........... see how she likes it.

2006-11-27 05:06:55 · 14 answers · asked by ? 4

And just so that this is a question do you think there should be a sex catagory that you can ask anything in?

A man is opening a restaurant and he asks one of his workers to come up with a name for it

The man tells Al one of his workers that he will name the restaurant after the first thing Al sees when he goes out the door

Al walks outside and the first thing he saw was a girl named Lucy and he saw her legs He told the man and so the restaurant was named Lucy's Legs The man was so impressed that he said the next day Al could get a free drink

The next day Al comes a bit early and a policeman walks by and notices Al waiting there The policeman asks What are you doing

Al says I'm waiting for Lucys legs to open so I can get a drink

2006-11-27 05:05:08 · 5 answers · asked by whatuneed 1

what a guy mean when he says bases refering to a girl.

and what does base 1, 2 ......mean

2006-11-27 05:02:51 · 5 answers · asked by beerlover 1

If GH can stand for P, as in "Hiccough",

If OUGH stands for O, as in "Dough";

If PHTH stands for T, as in "Phthisis";

If EIGH stands for A, as in "Neighbour";

If TTE stands for T, as in "Gazette";

If EAU stands for O, as in "Plateau";

Then, the right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU

2006-11-27 05:00:24 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys were walking down a beaten path and had come across a farm. They had been traveling awhile and decided to ask for a place to stay for the night. The farmer who owned the place had decided to let them stay in the barn, but had warned them to stay away from his daughter. If he found out if anyone messed with her, he was going to shoot them with a shotgun. Later on that evening, the farmer's daughter went to visit the boys and seduced all three and had sex with them. The next morning the farmer had found out and woke up the boys with a blast and said, " Get the **** up now, and line em up." The guys were really scared and did what he asked. The farmer said, " I am going to give you guys a chance to live, now I want each of you to go out and pick 100 of your favorite fruit and bring it here. Hurry up b/c I'm watching you."
They each left and did as the farmer had asked. The first guy showed up with 100 grapes and so the farmer told him to start shoving them up his bum.

2006-11-27 05:00:14 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'll mail a $20 check to the person with the funniest joke.

2006-11-27 04:59:18 · 4 answers · asked by Tina M 1

identify the makes of cars from the clues?
Batmans little friend......................................
Mary Quants design......................................
Jungle Feline..................................................
Faster in music..............................................
Gracies Island................................................
Howards not so secret love.........................
Made to make your mouth water................

2006-11-27 04:58:26 · 14 answers · asked by Shredder 6

A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the million dollars. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.

But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.

On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

Time was up. "I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat.

After the usual foot-dragging delay Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice."

"You're welcome!" the blonde said.

"By the way," the winner said, not being able to contain the question anymore. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

2006-11-27 04:56:24 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

H I J K L M O

What word can you make out of those letters?

Watch the question if you're confused, i'll tell you later.

2006-11-27 04:55:38 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded to the last hotel manager. "Or just a bed. I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "And I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.

"Never better," John said.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time," John said.

"How'd you manage that?" the manager asked.

"He was already in bed, snoring away when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

2006-11-27 04:42:26 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous