Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she canմ sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right," she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place."

2006-11-27 09:29:29 · 14 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Egbert the village idiot starts work as a treefeller. He picks up his chainsaw & away he goes. After 1 day the foreman calls him in & tells him while the other men are cutting 200 trees a day he's only cutting 90 & he'd better improve or its the sack. After 2 more days he's called in again & told he's improved to 140 trees a day but it's still not good enough. 2 days later he's in front of the foreman again, he's covered in sweat & trembling. The foreman says...'Look Egbert your'e now cutting 180 trees a day but still 20 short of the rest of the men, is there something wrong with your chainsaw'? The foreman takes Egbert's chainsaw to examine it & starts it up..... Egbert jumps back & shouts..........'Hold on'!.......... 'What's that friggin' noise'!!

2006-11-27 09:26:26 · 7 answers · asked by kev3753 1

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see his doctor.

The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by startling himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate.

So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter pistol. Then he went home to try the doctor's advice.

When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed,... naked! So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her. Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a few shots with his new starter pistol.

They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results. He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

2006-11-27 09:18:55 · 22 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

This 45 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"

She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45 year-old a*s?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

2006-11-27 09:17:10 · 31 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Ok so there r 5 men in a room
2 of the men get eaten
1 of the men dies
the other 2 r hungry and must kill the weakest 1 who is the weakest one???
(clue man 4 is fat and man 5 is skinny)
GUESS!!!???

2006-11-27 09:14:40 · 7 answers · asked by Killer likes Candy 2

Funny answers, not how ever long it is or sumthin like tht plz....

2006-11-27 09:12:21 · 15 answers · asked by Confused?! 4

Ok my favorite jokes are the corny ones...looking to expend the ones I have. The shorter the better...
Examples:
What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?
Where's my tractor?

Did you hear about the two attennas that got married?
The wedding was alright but the reception was wonderful

2006-11-27 09:05:35 · 6 answers · asked by l_train 1

women of entertament

2006-11-27 09:02:35 · 4 answers · asked by diamond frm throw a diapa click 1

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

2006-11-27 09:02:11 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three newlywed couples were having breakfast together at the honeymoon hotel's restaurant. When the food finally arrived, the first husband, eager to display his love for his bride said, "Pass the honey, honey."

Not to be outdone, the second husband said "Pass the sugar, sugar."

The third wife looked at her husband, expecting similar treatment. Not to be outdone he blurted out "Pass the pork, pig."




a drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

2006-11-27 09:00:43 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

There was a Black man, Mexican man, and White man, walking through the forest the came across a magic lamp they all rubbed it a genie popped out and said i will grant you three wishes....
the Black man wished that all his brothers and sisters would be back in their land and free
so the genie granted his wish...
the Mexican man wish that all his Mexican brothers and sisters would be back in Mexico and free...
the genie granted his wish...
Then the wight man said hold on you mean all the Black's are gone and all the Mexicans are gone?
(genie) YES...
(MAN) well then I'll just have a COKE!!!!

2006-11-27 08:47:30 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

BLONDE DEODORANT

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

2006-11-27 08:45:35 · 19 answers · asked by lalagirl 1

DRIVING SPORTS CAR

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

2006-11-27 08:42:52 · 14 answers · asked by lalagirl 1

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother,"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy
take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..... At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny,this is such an interesting story,suppose you save the Rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on daddy's face when You tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to Tell his story. ! Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her

2006-11-27 08:42:50 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please." The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for awhile before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?" The second blond replies, "They didn't last year."

2006-11-27 08:32:01 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

go for it, cool, classy, dirty.... anything goes.

2006-11-27 08:32:01 · 12 answers · asked by fluxpattern® 5

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car.

The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boy friend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

2006-11-27 08:25:49 · 22 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

What Great event happened on the 29th of February 1953?

2006-11-27 08:25:05 · 15 answers · asked by funmzire 5

Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic as he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the chemist to get some advice and condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a three-pack, a ten-pack or a family pack. "I'm REALLY going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to plug every orifice in her body at least twice!" The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents," she says. "Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table, where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,"I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a bloody pharmacist."

2006-11-27 08:22:06 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. So he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says "Well, if you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

2006-11-27 08:21:25 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am looking to tell a joke for speech class but it needs to take 3-8 minutes to tell...any ideas, please super funny only thanks

2006-11-27 08:21:02 · 12 answers · asked by JitterBug589 3

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.

When the third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

2006-11-27 08:16:08 · 23 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.

He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!"

2006-11-27 08:14:33 · 34 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

bob and betty were laying in bed one night, when bob said " we should our private parts names"
" i am going to call yours heaven, because when i am there, there is no where on earth i would rather be"
betty replied " i am going to call your linford christie
bob smiled thinking of the size of linford,
when betty continued "because you always come first and usually in about 10 seconds"

why did god create man?
because vibrators cant mow the lawn

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
Because they don't have any balls to rub.

Do you know why single women can't fart?
Because, they don't get a*sholes untill they get married.

2006-11-27 08:13:41 · 12 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

The wolf, hiding behind a tree one day, spots Little Red Riding Hood skipping happily through the forrest.

As she got close, the wolf makes a mad dash further back into the forrest and hides behind another tree.

Again as she gets closer, the wolf again makes a mad dash further back into the forrest and hides behind another tree.

This happens a few time until eventually Little Red Ridind Hood gets to close and spots the wolf behind the tree.
In horror she drops her basket and screams.

The wolf emerges from behind the tree and snarls at Little Red Riding Hood,
Hey Kid, will ya ever f**k off i'm trying to have a piss here !

2006-11-27 08:12:40 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

since i got yelled at for answering my own question last time, i'll let you guys answer this one!

2006-11-27 08:04:37 · 8 answers · asked by Joe Somebody 6

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. So he asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"! So the next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

,

2006-11-27 08:01:42 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

the old one kept stealing his wifes clothes.

2006-11-27 07:56:26 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. Finally she asked him, "Well, what shall we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

2006-11-27 07:53:17 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man & wife entered a dentist's office.

The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.

The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

2006-11-27 07:43:19 · 15 answers · asked by babegirl 1