I need a very long and funny joke?

Question

I am looking to tell a joke for speech class but it needs to take 3-8 minutes to tell...any ideas, please super funny only thanks

Answer 1

A young lady asks her boyfriend to come over one Friday night and have dinner with her parents.?
Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic as he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the chemist to get some advice and condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a three-pack, a ten-pack or a family pack. "I'm REALLY going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to plug every orifice in her body at least twice!" The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents," she says. "Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table, where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,"I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a bloody pharmacist."

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Prime Minister, Tony Blair, was visiting a school when a teacher asked him if he would care to lead the class discussion on semantics. Tony, having just escaped a mauling by the BBC's Jeremy 'Rotweiler' Paxman by the skin of his lying teeth, smugly chose the word ‘tragedy' and asked the class to give an example of its use.

One boy stood up and said, “If my girlfriend, Suzie, who lives on a farm, was playing near the cesspit, and fell in, and her dad stuck a fork through her chest and killed her, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” said Blair, “that would be an accident.”

Then a pretty, dark haired girl called Keli, raised her hand and suggested shyly: “If there was, like, a nucla war dat killed all da blokes but left da girls alive and da last bloke on earth lost his testicles in a shaving accident, that would be like, a REAL tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not.” Said slimey Tone. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Blair searched the room in vain for an upraised hand. “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me a correct definition of the word 'tragedy?”

Finally, a scruffily dressed blonde right at the very back of the room raised her grubby hand. In an an uncertain voice she said: “If an aircraft carrying you, Mr. Blair, the cabinet and Mr Bush was struck by a ‘friendly’ missile fired by an American helicopter gunship and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Blair. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well...” replied the girl, “it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

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Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first was a draftsman, the second an accountant, the third was a pharmacist and the fourth was an unemployed painter and decorater.

To show off, the draftsman called to his dog: “Tsquare, strut your stuff, boy!”
Tsquare jumped up on a drawing board, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said: “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.”
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen biscuits and promptly divided them into four piles of three.

Everyone agreed that was bloody clever.

The pharmacist said his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said: “Testube, do your stuff.”
Testube got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a pint of milk, got a glass from the cupboard and filled it to the brim without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good too.

Then the three men turned to the unemployed painter and decorater and said, “What can your mangy old mutt do?"

The jobless painter and decorater whistled up his dog cat and said, “TeaBreak, hit it, mate!”

TeaBreak jumped to his feet, ate the biscuits, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, humped the other three dogs, claimed he'd injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, applied for compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave, after accepting the offer of counselling.

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It was Christmas Eve and a man was about to throw himself off the roof of a ten-story building. His attractive wife had left him for a younger man, he’d lost his job and he owed thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he was screwing himself up to jump, Father Christmas tapped him on the shoulder.

"Are you OK?" asked Santa solicitously.
The man explained why he was so miserable and prepared to jump.
"Stop!" shouted Santa. "It's Christmas — I'll grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!"
"Would you?" the man replied hopefully. "That would be wonderful! Thank you, thank you!"

Santa promised him:
"You shall go home in one hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, and she will have forgotten all about her new lover."
"You'll go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and still have your job. Your salary will have increased by 50% and nobody will have any recollection of your sacking."
"Then you'll go to your bank and discover you're ten thousand pounds in credit with no outstanding bills."

"Oh thank you, thank you!" said the man. "What do you want me to do in return?"
"Drop your pants and bend over!"
The man reluctantly complied. After quite a brutal rogering, which made the man’s eyes water, Santa zipped up his pants and asked the man how old he was.
"Thirty-six." replied the man.
"Ho, ho, ho! You're a bit too old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you?" chuckled the fat, gay bastard in fancy dress.

Answer 2

- Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?' The boy's mouth dropped open , but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?' Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?' The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?' The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,'We are in BIG trouble this time,' 'GOD is missing, and they think we did it! - Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to move the Coke so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm and decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but won't remember it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some mop to wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: * The car isn't washed, * The bills aren't paid, * There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, * The flowers don't have enough water, * There is still only 1 cheque in my checkbook, * I can't find the remote, * I can't find my glasses, * And I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired :D

Answer 3

In the 50's, a Hollywood studio had a great idea for a film.
The only trouble was they needed an actor who could dance, sing, looked gorgeous, and could actually act.
They decided to audition people for the part as they knew the film would be a huge success.
So they put an advert in 'Stage' magazine, and started the auditions.
It was a disaster. People turned up who could sing, but not dance. Some looked OK, but had lisps. Some could act, but looked like Quasimodo.
Others were just dreadful.
The auditions went on for months, and the studio bosses were getting frustrated.
Then, one afternoon, a man walked into the audition room.
The studio bosses were delighted.
He looked handsome, tall and hunky, he recited Shakespeare like Olivier, sang like an angel, and could dance like Fred Astaire.
"You've got the part", they said, "what is your name?"
"Well, I have rather an unusual name", the auditionee said, "it's P*enis Von Le*sbian".
"I'm sorry", say the studio bosses, "did we hear you correctly?"
"Yes, my name is Peni*s Von Lesb*ian"
The studio bosses were stunned.
"We're sorry, Mr. Von L*esbian, but we can't use that as your name. People all over the world will take offence if they see those words on the poster"
"Well, that is my name. The one my mother gave me.
If you don't like my name, then you won't get me to be in the film!"
"But you're perfect for the part. This film will be a huge success, and we need someone who is handsome, who can sing, dance, and act. You will be rich and famous.
Could you maybe come back tomorrow and we could discuss this?"
Mr. Von L*esbian reluctantly agrees to meet them the next day.
He knocks on the door the next day.
"Ah, come in", say the studio bosses.
"We have had a discussion about the problem with your name.
What do you think of the name Dick Van Dyke?"

Answer 4

A priest and a nun crossing the Sahara on a camel. It's so hot the camel dies and the priest and the nun know it won't take long before they die too. The priest asks the nun:

Sister, we are going to die. Would you mind if I see your breast. I've never seen the breasts of a woman.

The nun answers:

Well... father, yes, but just because we are going to die.

The priest looks at her breast and asks if he is allowed to touch them, to which the nun replies: Yes, father, but once again only because we are going to die.

While the priest is touching her breasts, the nun asks:

Father, would you mind me seeing your penis?

And the priest lets her see his penis but ONLY because they are going to die. The nun then asks if she can play with it and once again she is allowed to do it because they are going to die.

All of a sudden, the priest gets an erection and the nun asks:

Father, what's that?

And the priest: It's something that can give life to something that has been dead, sister.

The sister suddenly looks very happy and says:

Oh father, I got an idea. Put it in the camel and let's get out of here.

I once told this joke to a friend of mine. We were in the beginning of dating and he said we should go out that evening and I was going to be the nun and he was going to be the priest. When I said I refused to be his nun, he said, alright, you be the camel and I am the priest.

Answer 5

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.

When the third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

Answer 6

Big bad wolf joke!?

The wolf, hiding behind a tree one day, spots Little Red Riding Hood skipping happily through the forrest.

As she got close, the wolf makes a mad dash further back into the forrest and hides behind another tree.

Again as she gets closer, the wolf again makes a mad dash further back into the forrest and hides behind another tree.

This happens a few time until eventually Little Red Ridind Hood gets to close and spots the wolf behind the tree.
In horror she drops her basket and screams.

The wolf emerges from behind the tree and snarls at Little Red Riding Hood,
Hey Kid, will ya ever f**k off i'm trying to have a piss here !

Answer 7

The FBI are recruiting a new agent and they get down to their last 3 candidates. 2 Men & 1 Woman.

They call the first of the men down the corridor to the door of a room. They hand him a gun and tell him that inside the room he will find his wife sitting in a chair. They tell him to go inside and shoot & kill her.

He thinks about it for a few minutes and then hands them the gun back and tells them he cannot do it as he loves his wife very much.

They tell him he's not the one for the job and sends him on his way with his wife.

A few minutes later they get the second man to another door on the corridor and hand him a gun saying the same thing. he has to go in and kill his wife.

He takes the gun and goes into the room.

A few minutes later he comes out with tears in his eyes and hands them the gun back saying he cannot do it.

They send him on his way as he's not the one for the job.

Next they get the woman, they give her the gun and tell her that her husband is in the room and she has to kill him

She goes into the room and the men outside hear shot after shot followed by loud crashes and bangs, shouting and screaming.

After a few minutes she comes out of the room, with sweat dripping off her brow and tells them "some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, so I've had to beat him to death with the chair"

Ha, ha

Hope this may be of some help for you - good luck with your speech class. Try not to get too nervous. Hope it goes well.

Mojo

Answer 8

Kevin's joke's kinda funny - but it all depends if your class appreciates that sort of humour.

Answer 9

hang on a min ile be back, WATCH THIS SPACE.


Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..

Answer 10

Go into 'searach for questions', there are hundreds of them.