Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-27 15:15:29 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-27 15:12:56 · 4 answers · asked by Myra 4

What is flashy on the inside but metal on the out side

2006-11-27 14:39:46 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

do you think he was bullshitting?

2006-11-27 14:37:42 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

Did you pass, or do you want the bed next to his?

2006-11-27 14:19:15 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-27 14:18:08 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his
track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another,
flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there
listening. "I don't mean to boast," Says the greyhound, "but in my last 90
races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A
talking dog."

2006-11-27 14:14:49 · 7 answers · asked by Rock 2

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual
contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they
got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that
he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly.

The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Jon said, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"

"I'd be completely blind."

The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the
exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave
him the answers.

So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, "What
would happen if I cut off one ear?"

Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, "I'd be
half blind."

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other
ear?"

"I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered.

"Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?"

"My hat would fall down over my eyes."

2006-11-27 14:11:55 · 4 answers · asked by Rock 2

Have you ever given or received a birthday spanking?

Who in your family/friends usually gave them, or did you give them too?

Any pinches to grow an inch? haha
Etc....

2006-11-27 14:08:47 · 11 answers · asked by Question 1

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."......................................
For more dead guy jokes and adult random jokes: http://www.crazyjokes.tk

2006-11-27 13:58:03 · 8 answers · asked by I agree... 1

2006-11-27 13:34:26 · 14 answers · asked by jessica a 1

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

Please join me in remembering a great icon. Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died
yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch, and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours as long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Toward the end it was thought he'd raise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

2006-11-27 13:30:50 · 13 answers · asked by TrixR4KidZ 5

This is the riddle...

There once was a man named Garry. Garry lived alone but didn't mind, he liked it that way. He left his home only to buy food, suplies and such. But he was easily startled.

One night Garry heard a strange noise outside the window. Frightened, Garry made sure all of the doors and windows were shut and locked before turning off all the lights and going to bed.

The nest day, the police came to Garry's house and told him that, because of his actions last night, fourteen people died.

How?

2006-11-27 13:28:42 · 21 answers · asked by Monker123456 3

Why are men so bad at sex and driving?
Because the bastards always pull out with no thought of who else might be coming

Why are men such wankers?
Because they have a willy with a head but no brains that hangs out with two nuts and lives next door to an arsehole.

Why don't women talk during foreplay?
They don't have enough time.

How does a man show a woman that he is planning for the future?
He buys ten cases of beer.

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
No one knows because it's never been done.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night.
A widow

Why do married women weigh more than single women?
Single women come home and see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, take one look at what's in bed and go to the fridge.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

A man once asked God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God answered: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man asked, "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God replied: "So she would love a wanker like you."

2006-11-27 13:17:01 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-27 13:10:25 · 6 answers · asked by that_damn_good2007 1

She was on the steering wheel and the dashboard too.

2006-11-27 13:07:13 · 11 answers · asked by that_damn_good2007 1

An Irish girl who had not seen her parents for over five years came home unexpectedly one day. No sooner has she set foot inside the house than her father rounded on her angrily: "Mother of God, Roisin! Where have you been all this time? Look at the state of you, girl! You're wearing lipstick and that skirt barely covers your bottom! You shamless ingrate! You left us without a word on your sixteenth birthday and we've not had so much as a line from you in five years. Why didn't you call? Do you have any idea what you've put your poor Mam through?!"

Roisin started crying and sobbed: "Oh da...I fell in with a bad crowd...sniff...started sleeping around...took drugs...sniff...and then I became a prostitute..."
"Holy Mary!" shouted her father. "What did you say? A PROSTITUTE!? You evil little sinner! You're a disgrace to this family—I don't ever want to see your face again!"

"OK, Da," said Roisin, dying her eyes on an expensive, silk handkerchief. "I only came back to give Mum this fur coat, the title deeds to a ten-bedroomed villa in Spain and a savings account certificate for five million Euros. For my little brother, Sean...I got this gold Rolex, and for you, dearest Da—the 'S' type Jag that's parked outside—plus lifetime membership to the Ballymurphy Golf Club...(takes a deep breath)...and an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve with me on board my new yacht on the French Riviera, and—"

Her Father interrupted and asked: "What was it you said you had become again?"
His daughter started crying again and sobbed: "Sniff...a dirty little ****, Da...sniff...a shameless harlot who sells her body for money...a—a PROSTITUTE!"

Oh! Sweet Bejeesus! The Lord be praised!" exclaimed her father, clasping her to his bosom. "You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant.' Come here and give your Da a kiss!"

2006-11-27 13:05:21 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fireman was polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he noticed a pretty little girl next door sitting in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the bottom.

The little girl was wearing a fireman's red, helmet and had tied the cart to a dog and a cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That's a lovely fire engine," he said admiringly.

"Thanks," said the little girl.

The fireman looked closer and noticed that the little girl had tied one of the carts strings to the dog's collar and the other to the cat's testicles.

"Little colleague," said the firefighter. "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster."

A puzzled frown creased the little girl's pretty face for a moment. She looked at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat and then shyly looked into the fireman's eyes and said: "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a ******* siren, would I?"

2006-11-27 13:04:02 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

If 14=86
15=??

2006-11-27 13:01:46 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

My author's uncertain yet my title's the same,
I contain random text yet order's my aim.
Read me one day and see my pages are totally bare.
Try again another day and the words will be there.
I'm not a book of magic although it may sound,
I can predict the future, and inside, your life can be found.
Move my eye, I become involved in lactic extraction.
But that's just a clue , a minor distraction.

2006-11-27 12:54:56 · 15 answers · asked by Mark B 1

Nothing on the outside
Nothing on the inside
Light as a feather
Yet ten men cannot lift it

What Am I?

2006-11-27 12:53:12 · 15 answers · asked by Mark B 1

Does this cloth smell like chloroform to you? Be as descriptive as possible if time allows. It's not dirty I just want to see who has the wittiest response and story. Thanks! Take a big whiff if needed

2006-11-27 12:48:29 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2006-11-27 12:43:51 · 10 answers · asked by kaycee 3

2006-11-27 12:39:35 · 15 answers · asked by collegegirl 1

cue...bones

2006-11-27 12:30:19 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I thought about the fair times. I making it easy for you to earn 10 points. Be the first to get this. Here a SIMPLE riddles, you can make 10 points if you are the first person to get the correct answer. And i will make sure you get your 10 points. For the rest grab a 2 point and get outta here. This is just for fun.

Solve these similes. HINT**** They are all animals.

As gentle as a :
Stubborn as AN :
Hungry as a:
Sick as a:


****Bonus********
[ HINT: Not an animal]

a chip off _____________________

2006-11-27 12:21:08 · 22 answers · asked by The Singing Light 2

Why didn't the 2 boxers kiss each other right before the big match?

Because they didn't like each other!

2006-11-27 12:01:18 · 9 answers · asked by tylerbrickley 2

what pranks and how and what we need to have to do them

2006-11-27 11:59:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

this is part of a collection called
famous quotes of crazy people.

2006-11-27 11:56:50 · 4 answers · asked by Kuraimizu 3

I took 2 jiffy pops silver containers taped them together then with a fishing line dangled it in front of the security camera at the psych. lab where I worked and well They never could figure out where the UFO had gone each time the building was searched...childish I know but always fun to **** with the security fellows on a slow day.

2006-11-27 11:56:01 · 6 answers · asked by Tabor 4