Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-27 07:39:23 · 8 answers · asked by larryjr3333 2

"You know what?", says the seven-year-old. "I think it's about time we started swearing." The four-year-old nods his head in approval, so the seven-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, okay?" "Okay, okay," the four-year-old agrees with enthusiasm. So they go downstairs and their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh 5hit Mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops." THWACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. The mother turns to the four-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," the four-year-old blubbers, "but it won't be f**king Coco Pops."

2006-11-27 07:38:32 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt all over!'

'What do you mean?' said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,'Ow, that hurts.'

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.'

Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts!'

The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?'

'Why yes,' she said.

'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger

2006-11-27 07:34:39 · 27 answers · asked by babegirl 1

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "uh-oh," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

2006-11-27 07:31:25 · 12 answers · asked by babegirl 1

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, teacher. I'm eight today.

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE : Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : George!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY : Me!

SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.

TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
ALFRED : I get up early.

TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, sir.
TEACHER: And didn't i promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, sir,but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did.

TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
DON: I hope you didn't either.

GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR: Because of absence.
MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER : What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, teacher. Snakes don't have feet.

HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say "I am."
ELLEN: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defense" and "detail" in a sentence.
MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before detail.

TEACHER: Toby, what are you doing under your desk?
TOBY: Didn't you tell us to read Dr.Jekyll and Hyde (hide)?

The principal was annoyed by the noise during the assembly program. "There seem to be several idiots in the auditorium this morning," he snapped.
"Wouldn't it be better to hear one at a time?" a voice shouted.
"Okay---you start."

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
SASHA: A new bike.

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.

TEACHERS: If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

TEACHER: Why are you late?
AMOS: I lost my quarter.
TEACHER: And why are you late, Oliver?
OLIVER: I was standing on it.

"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"

2006-11-27 07:27:09 · 19 answers · asked by babegirl 1

He sees his buddy and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

2006-11-27 07:24:58 · 8 answers · asked by Joe Somebody 6

I'm applying to law school right now, and I've wanted to be an attorney since I was 11 years old. I know attorneys have their stereotypes..."talkative, money-grubbing, sleazy, liars", but I'm willing to join in the laughs.

Tell me some good attorney jokes!

2006-11-27 07:21:46 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

he starts to sob a little and then one of the staff comes up to him,"Whats your mother like", she asks the boy."Big cocks and Barcardi Breezers" he replies.!!

2006-11-27 07:19:37 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day the Bill Clinton and The Pope died on the same day, but instead of the Pope going to heaven, he went to Hell.
The Pope was really surprised at what had happened and went to the Devil for an explanation.
The Devil looked over his paperwork and said, "Yep, you're right...you were supposed to go to Heaven. Look...it is going to take a day to get all of this settled out since Bill Clinton had taken your place in heaven. Sorry for the mix up, but you can walk around Hell and enjoy yourself until tomorrow."
The pope agreed and waited calmly till the next day. Well the next day came and The Pope and the Devil said their goodbyes.
As the Pope was ascending, he met Bill Clinton on his way down. The two began to talk and the Pope said, "I can't wait to get to heaven," and Bill aske him why. The Pope said, "I have always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. I have been waiting for this day for a long time."
To this, Bill Clinton replies, "Well...you're a day late."

2006-11-27 07:09:38 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-27 07:08:56 · 7 answers · asked by butta_phat 1

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

2006-11-27 07:01:03 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

He breaks into a house to look for money and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict. He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2006-11-27 06:56:07 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boy friend now that Grandpa went to heaven?

"Grandma replied,"Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?

"The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

2006-11-27 06:54:25 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Nebraska farm boys joined the High School track team. The coach made both the boys and girls teams run 10 miles daily in the country on a certain route, so the sheriff could keep and eye on them and they’d be safe running on a country road.
In the spring the girls begged the coach to run another route which went past a sheep farm, because they wanted to see all the young lambs. The coach agreed, got the okay from the sheriff and changed to the new route.
When the coach told the boys about it, these two farm boys protested to no avail. Finally when the others started their run, they stayed behind. “Coach we can’t run that route.” The coach says “Too late, it’s all set and I’m not changing. The girls want to see the young lambs on the sheep farm and I agreed.”
The boys said “That’s why we can’t run there, Coach, the sheep.
We get hard-ons just hearing a sheep baaa. Who knows what else might happen. We might lose control, fall down and hurt our selves. And the girls would see it."

2006-11-27 06:49:30 · 7 answers · asked by Everyman 3

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed, so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh, ****! It's so late, my wife's going to kill me! Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands. Then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? And what is that on your hands?"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and screams, "You @&$*!% liar! You went bowling again!!!"

2006-11-27 06:49:19 · 19 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

I’ve changed my system for labeling home-made freezer meals.

I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

However, I used to get very frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner, because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat, legible tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."

My frustration is reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it will be there waiting.

2006-11-27 06:46:56 · 6 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

If you're flying off the coast of Mexico and you drop two different packages out, one a pound of feathers, the other a pound of bricks, which would hit the land first?

First correct answer gets 10 points.

2006-11-27 06:45:51 · 24 answers · asked by koral2800 4

He went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, " Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, " Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"

2006-11-27 06:44:58 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.

2006-11-27 06:44:54 · 3 answers · asked by Anne Teak 6

2006-11-27 06:39:07 · 15 answers · asked by Jenna 3

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Q. How many retirees to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.

Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.

Q. Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A. The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
A. Tied shoes.

Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.

Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!

Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal

Q. What is the difference between a worker retiring and a student going on summer vacation?
A. None, summer ends but so does the other time frame, eventually.

Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never ending Coffee Break.

Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Now, the only problem with retirement is that you never get a day off.

2006-11-27 06:37:30 · 4 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

My wife told me we couldn't afford $20 per week for beer and Jack Daniels anymore and I'd have to quit.


Then I caught her spending:

$65.00 on make-up,

$150 for a cut & color,
$30 for a manicure,
$40 for a pedicure,
$50 on vitamins,
$300 on clothes and,

$600 for a gym membership.

I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.



She said she needed it to look pretty for me.


I told her that was what the beer was for.................



I don't think she's coming back.

2006-11-27 06:36:48 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A good looking chick walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it, and decided to swim. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the watchman appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.

"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scoulded him.

"Hey! Only swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't" he replied.

2006-11-27 06:36:33 · 11 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one," said Bob.

"Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here."

2006-11-27 06:36:05 · 5 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

gess what ?

2006-11-27 06:31:04 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please don't emigrate to Albania!

2006-11-27 06:29:08 · 17 answers · asked by Roy S 3

This has a specific answer.
10 points to the 1st one who gets it right.

2006-11-27 06:28:34 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

2006-11-27 06:27:49 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

sorry no more jokes from me i had six violations today for jokes that have not been abusive ,maybe a bit old ,maybe not that funny bu t certainly not worthy of violation notices so OK YAHOO POLICE YOU HAVE BEATEN ME.

2006-11-27 06:26:46 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question, and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.
The first friday the question was how many gallons of water are there in the whole world. No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.
Next Friday the question was how many grains of sand are there in the whole world. No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.
By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday, so he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to her and she said, "Who is the comedian with two black balls?"
Little Johnny said," Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday."

2006-11-27 06:17:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous