Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

just make up something cute (:

2006-11-27 04:28:20 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

To my dear wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me that there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I had finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


To my dear husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching sports on t.v.

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling.

What I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted, and I was trying to breathe.

2006-11-27 04:27:16 · 13 answers · asked by Eraser 1

3 guys woke up and found themselves on a stranded island. They did not no how they got there and there was a limited supply of water so they had to escape. They spent hours brainstoming and 1 of the men popped up and said someting. All of them were socked at what he said. The next day they were home and sleeping with their families. What did the man say!!!

2006-11-27 04:24:43 · 19 answers · asked by mr. fancy pants 3

2006-11-27 04:23:51 · 4 answers · asked by bashir a 1

2006-11-27 04:22:56 · 9 answers · asked by Calvin James Hammer 6

What am I??

You take off the outside and cook the inside
then you eat the outsie and throw away the inside?

What am I???

2006-11-27 04:18:56 · 9 answers · asked by Seeker 5

The Differences Between Men And Women

NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call
each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob
and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

DINING OUT:
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in
$20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When
the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average
number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not
be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store
and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his
fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then
slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag
from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes.
Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under
the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: Go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and
take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to
meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.

2006-11-27 04:16:41 · 13 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

What did the Mama cannibal say to the young cannibal when he took the missionary's scarf, and was hitting him with it?

2006-11-27 04:14:46 · 6 answers · asked by Calvin James Hammer 6

Guy walks into a bar.




Ouch.

Ok, it.s stupid. But the delivery is important. Sorry

2006-11-27 04:11:33 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once there was this little boy and he was really perverted. He liked to look up little girl's skirts. One day he had a sucker with him and he told this little girl that he would give her the sucker if she would climb to the top of the monkey bars (Unbeknownst to her, he was gonna look up her skirt). So the little girl glimbed to the top and the little boy gave her the sucker.

The little girl walked home that day and her mother immediately noticed the sucker hanging out of her mouth. Her mother asked her where she got the sucker and the little girl told her the story of the little boy and the monkeybars. Her mother was appalled and she scolded her little girl for falling for the trick. She said "Don't you know that little boy was just trying to see you panties?"

The little girl went to school the next day and the little boy offered her another sucker in exchange for her climbing to the top of the monkey bars. She said, "My Mommie told me that all you wanted to do was look at my panties-and I'm not going to let you!"

Now the little boy was determined so he offered her a whole bag of suckers and she accepted. She went home and her mother scolded her again!

She went to school the next day datermined that the little boy was not going to see her panties. But, he offered her 2 bags of suckers and she gave in. That afternoon she went home and her mother proceded to scold her again. "But mommy," she said, "I tricked him, I wasn't wearing any panties today!"

2006-11-27 04:09:58 · 19 answers · asked by Eraser 1

my answer is " to show the possum it could be done". anybody got a better one?

2006-11-27 04:09:37 · 10 answers · asked by i totally agree with you!! not 3

2006-11-27 04:04:16 · 5 answers · asked by Calvin James Hammer 6

2006-11-27 03:53:50 · 10 answers · asked by diane c 3

2006-11-27 03:41:13 · 10 answers · asked by ForbesHewlett Juan Pablo Sanchez 2

2006-11-27 03:39:12 · 8 answers · asked by ForbesHewlett Juan Pablo Sanchez 2

2006-11-27 03:38:09 · 4 answers · asked by Web J 1

the doc says i need to test your vocabulary, can you use the word contagious in a sentence for me?

The irish guy thinks for a second and said i "i asked my mate to dig a hole for me and it took the contagious".

I'm waiting for the i dont get its.

2006-11-27 03:28:07 · 27 answers · asked by ........ 3

There are only 2 parachutes, and the boy says "What are we going to do"
George Bush jumps up and declares, "I am the most powerful man in the world, I am intelligent, and the people of America need me" and with that, he grabs one of the backpacks and jumps out the plane.
The pope turns to the boy and says "Young man, I am old, I have led a full and honourable life, and I know there will be a place in heaven for me, you take the last parachute"
The boy replies "No need, the intelligent president took my school rucksack"

2006-11-27 03:27:23 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I actualy don't know the answer but i need some ideas

2006-11-27 03:13:51 · 25 answers · asked by england til i die 3

1.)
A woman shoots her husband.
Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.
Finally, she hangs him.
But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.
How can this be?

*******************************

2.)
A magician was boasting one day at how long he could hold his breath under water. His record was 6 minutes. A kid that was listening said, "that's nothing, I can stay under water for 10 minutes using no types of equipment or air pockets!" The magician told the kid if he could do that, he'd give him $10,000. The kid did it and won the money. Can you figure out how?

*****************************************

3.)
A man walks into his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a REAL gun and REAL bullets. He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere. And no, he didn't miss and he wasn't superman or any other caped crusader.
How did he do it?


First one with all 3 right gets 10pts!

GOOD LUCK!

2006-11-27 02:51:01 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

is chad M M leaving one tree hill????

2006-11-27 02:49:06 · 8 answers · asked by tismyR 2

2006-11-27 02:33:09 · 7 answers · asked by DAVE 6

5
7
5

2006-11-27 02:30:51 · 8 answers · asked by arbolito 3

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man
was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old-timer? Never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.

2006-11-27 02:29:52 · 29 answers · asked by Jellytot 2

There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker With Three Breasts...". The man get's just a little interested and thinks "well... that could be a once in a lifetime experience". So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts" he says.

"Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars" the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pull's his wallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room... there she is. The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it... three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong... "Hey! You had three breasts yesterday..." he says after which she smiles and says "What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!".

2006-11-27 02:29:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."

2006-11-27 02:25:34 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.


2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.


3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.


4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.


5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.


6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.


7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.


8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.


9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.


10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.


11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.


12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.


13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.


14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.


15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

2006-11-27 02:23:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f*** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

2006-11-27 02:23:26 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

SHE asked proffesor sir i want "A" gred in my examination ,and i will do every thing for this.anything .
Proffesor---anything.
Girl---sir i will do anything,
u just tell me i will do
Proffesor think and said .......?

2006-11-27 02:20:27 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is reincarnation , i said its when you die and come back as something else , oh ! she said , that sounds nice , i said , yes dear , what would you like to come back as , she said , i'd like to come back as a pig , i said , right ------------------------------ i'l explain it all again !

2006-11-27 02:18:11 · 12 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7