Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

wait what this doesn't make sense right now i just got word that this question was deleted... why

2006-11-26 05:25:15 · 9 answers · asked by Prada Marfa 6

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' " Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' " Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons." The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use 'fascinate' in your sentence." Little Johnny continued, "But her **** are so big she can only fasten eight."

2006-11-26 05:20:32 · 12 answers · asked by Pd 6

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

2006-11-26 05:18:40 · 18 answers · asked by Rock 2

A store that sells husbands had just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are 5 floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flight.A woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door read "These men have jobs,love the Lord. ".The 2nd floor sign read"These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids." The 3rd floor sign read" These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking"."Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and sign read" These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking andhelp with the housework.and have a strong romantic streak.". "Oh, mercy me!I can hardly stand it!". Tempted,she goes to the 5th which reads"You are visitor 14,363,012 to this floor.There are no men here. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to plz

2006-11-26 05:16:50 · 15 answers · asked by amudwar 3

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The two men take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch. He asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well," replied the pirate, "while my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant. I was arrested and my hand was cut off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?"
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook..."

2006-11-26 05:15:50 · 13 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

2006-11-26 04:49:55 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

2006-11-26 04:47:43 · 11 answers · asked by amudwar 3

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

2006-11-26 04:47:27 · 17 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

What do you call a clockwork canine?

Dogmatic.

OK, so it's naff, but what the Hell...

2006-11-26 04:45:11 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Give me your answer







My stupid brother thinks that they are super dogs of wonder who can do anything and always have white fur. ( I know he is sick and demented)

2006-11-26 04:44:44 · 5 answers · asked by Blade 3

It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

2006-11-26 04:43:36 · 11 answers · asked by L♥veee 3

Little jonny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. he
decided to ask his shrink what to do.

the shrink said,
'since christmas is coming up, you should ask luke what he wants santa to
bring him. if he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog
s*** in place of the gifts or gifts he requests.'

two days before christmas, luke's father asked him what he wanted for
christmas.

'i want a damn teddy bear lying right beside me when i wake up. when i go
downstairs i want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. and when i go
outside i want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.'

on christmas morning, little luke woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog
s***. confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree.
scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog s*** by the
garage.

when luke walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad
smiled and asked, 'what did santa bring you this year?'

luke replied, 'i think i got a dog but i can't find the son-of-a-*****!'

2006-11-26 04:38:39 · 10 answers · asked by Rock 2

Woman goes into doctors and explains she has a major problem.

The doctor say's "What is it" ?

She explains she had three holes instead of one in the southern region?

So the doctor has a look then goes to his desk and take three plasters out.

She asks "Will this cure me"

The doctors say's "Don't know but it will stop you getting f*cked left, right and centre

2006-11-26 04:32:14 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.

"Yes?"

"You know."

2006-11-26 04:31:49 · 8 answers · asked by amudwar 3

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.
When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for, he answers, "My
master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I
soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you
here for?"

The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a
table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I
accidently bumped into the table and broke them all."

The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for. The third
dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the
shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and
took her like a wild animal!"

"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.

The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

2006-11-26 04:30:26 · 11 answers · asked by Rock 2

There was a married couple that was in a terrible accident. The woman's face
was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin
from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his
skin.

However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a
very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and
relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty.

She was alone with her husband one day, and she wanted to thank him for what
he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
There is no way I could ever repay you."

The husband replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty thanks enough every
time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!"

2006-11-26 04:25:08 · 25 answers · asked by Rock 2

Ann says "I need a wee," and goes behind a bush.
Joe hears her knickers come down and feeling a wee bit kinky puts his hand through between her legs and feels something hanging.
"Ann have you changed your sex??"
"No," she replies, "I've changed my mind, I'm having a sh*t!"

2006-11-26 04:15:47 · 14 answers · asked by matt30 2

I come in different shapes and sizes. Part of me are curves, others are straight. You can put me anywhere you like, but there is only one right place for me.
What am I?

2006-11-26 04:07:28 · 13 answers · asked by rAwR♥ 3

This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps
next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Come on man, I was just joking.
Tell ya what; I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man
crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I
overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outraged and fired
me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The
police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab
driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I left my wallet in the
cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left
home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my
life, you show up...... and drink my poison..."

2006-11-26 03:57:15 · 21 answers · asked by Rock 2

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

2006-11-26 03:55:58 · 20 answers · asked by Pd 6

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks -
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.
He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.
He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"

2006-11-26 03:52:40 · 15 answers · asked by Pd 6

sees a beautiful girl in the corner with her arms above her head. He asks the barman,
"Should i buy that beautiful ballerina in the corner a drink?"
"What makes you think shes a ballerina?"says the barman,
"Well any woman that can get her leg up that high must be a ballerina ! " says the drunk

2006-11-26 03:40:55 · 17 answers · asked by *♥* donna *♥* 7

'There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into
heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the
worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I
knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work
one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't
find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the
darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him
with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush
so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him,
the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.''
The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on
my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day
and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God
spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier
when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating
my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I
landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top
of me.''
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just
picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator...'''

2006-11-26 03:37:37 · 14 answers · asked by Rock 2

2006-11-26 03:08:22 · 23 answers · asked by BossChick728 1

2006-11-26 03:04:58 · 15 answers · asked by Lance Sum 1

Three snakes were out for a leisurely stroll when they ran into their worst enemy. See if you can assign a number value for each letter to solve this alphametic. Each letter retains the same value within the problem, and that value must be different from any other letter. Zero may not begin a word. ASP + ASP + ASP +GASP = TRAPS

2006-11-26 03:04:47 · 9 answers · asked by Michelle 2

2006-11-26 03:02:17 · 23 answers · asked by Psychodelic Chicken 5

A mosquito fly onto a boy's palm and was sucking his blood. Then the boy saw it and was about to hit it , then the mosquito told something to him which make him not to kill the mosquito. However, why the mosquito still die instantly after their conversation?
Now guess.
Answer will reveal the next day.

2006-11-26 02:52:41 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

had bought the day before.Unfortunately the male shop assistant was at lunch so he had to to take them to a young girl and felt ather embarrassed when she asked what was wrong with them.
Suddenly,he had an idea.
"Have you been to the tower of London?" he asked.
"Yes," She replied.
"and did you like the ballroom?"
"But there is no ballroom" She said puzzled.
"Exactly!"he exclaimed and that's just what's wrong with these underpants."

2006-11-26 02:49:54 · 11 answers · asked by toppopsy 3

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there

2006-11-26 02:43:24 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous