Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-24 21:39:30 · 13 answers · asked by happyclown5769 2

2006-11-24 21:27:43 · 12 answers · asked by happyclown5769 2

One day there were two gays visiting the zoo. They made the rounds of the zoo and soon found
themselves outside the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting in the corner of the cage with a huge
gorilla hard-on.

The one gay says to the other 'I wonder what it feels like' ... the other gay says 'There's only one
way to find out and that's to touch it'

The gay reaches into the cage and touches the gorilla's hard-on ! Before he can remove his arm the
gorilla graps him ... hauls him into the cage ... slams him onto the floor ... jumps on top of him ... and nearly buggers him to death.

Three days later the gay wakes up in a hospital bed. A nurse comes in and says he has a visitor. It's
the gay's buddy. The buddy asks 'Are you hurt?' The bedridden gay says 'HURT!... OF COURSE
I'M HURT...HE HASN'T PHONED ... HE HASN'T WRITTEN ...!'

2006-11-24 21:19:51 · 41 answers · asked by chris b 4

I did ithttp://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/body/interactives/senseschallenge/senses.swf

2006-11-24 21:15:58 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-24 20:58:53 · 4 answers · asked by vivu 1

2006-11-24 20:47:57 · 11 answers · asked by Ricardo 2

One person from Utter Pradesh (UP) was in Mysore for about four years and his wife in Jaunpur (UP). At the end of four years he distributed sweets to his colleagues in office stating that his wife had delivered a son. His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this happened when our friend was in Mysore and his wife in Jaunpur.
He said it is common in UP that neighbours take care of the wife (good samaritans) when men are away.
The colleagues asked, "What name will you give to the son?"
To which he replied : "If it's the first neighbour who has taken care, then the name would be PAHLAJ. If it's the second neighbour, then the name would be DWIVEDI, if it is the third neighbour then it would be TRIVEDI, if it is the fourth neighbour then it would be CHATURVEDI and if it's the fifth neighbour PANDEY.
After listening to this, questions followed and what if it is a mixture of neighbours? Then it would be named as MISHRA and what if the wife is shy to tell the name of the neighbour, then it would be SHARMA, and what if she refuses to divulge the name of the neighbour then the name of the child would be GUPTA. If she does not remember the name then? It is YAAD-AV. If it is the result of rape,it is DOSHI. Finally, if she is too enthusiastic about it, then he is JOSHI

2006-11-24 20:45:54 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

-The pizza can feed a family of four.

2006-11-24 20:41:23 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl: "Will you marry me?"

The girl said: "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, golfing and drank lots of beer and farted whenever he wanted.
The end.

2006-11-24 20:16:35 · 17 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge ****, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you F-ING *****!'

2006-11-24 20:14:51 · 10 answers · asked by Borg_MonkeyDrone 3

A little boy accompanies his mother shopping and is waiting outside the ladies’ dressing room for her to emerge, boredom causing him to fidget. When his mother comes out, she spies her son sliding his hand up a mannequin’s skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don’t you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he wasn’t bitten.
For the ensuing years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.
When he is 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want." "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don’t you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch. "Hell, no," he cries, "you’ve got teeth there!" "Don’t be ridiculous," she responds, "there’s no teeth down there." "Yes, there are", he says, "my mother told me so." "No, there aren’t," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her panties and gives him a little peek. "No, I’m sorry," he says. "My mother already told me that ALL women have teeth down there." "Oh, for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I don’t have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look, then replies, "Well, with the state of those gums, I’m not surprised!"

2006-11-24 19:45:52 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old
farmhouse, and after he had just finished
a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made
him lose an hour of work, his electric drill
quit and his ancient one ton truck refused
to start.

While I drove him home, he sat in stony
silence. On arriving, he invited me in to
meet his family. As we walked toward the
front door, he paused briefly at a small
tree, touching the tips of the branches
with both hands.

When opening the door he underwent an
amazing transformation. His face was
wreathed in smiles and he hugged his
two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward he walked me to the car. We
passed the tree and my curiosity got the
better of me. I asked him about what I had
seen him do earlier.

"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I
know I can't help having troubles on the job,
but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't
belong in the house with my wife and the
children...

2006-11-24 19:41:29 · 10 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

1. There are at least two people in this world
that you would die for.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you
in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate
you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to
anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you
before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don't even know exists
loves you.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever,
something good comes from it.

10. When you think the world has turned
its back on you, take another look.

11. Always remember the compliments
you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

And always remember....when life hands
you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and
call a friend over.

Have a nice weekend ^_^

2006-11-24 19:37:41 · 10 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

ok my bus driver loves to give me riddles this one is there are 3 guys that die in a cabbin what happens? iv got that it has to do with fire and a diff cabbin that is small somthing u wouldnt think of

2006-11-24 19:28:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy was at a club tryin to pick up women. He started danceing with one and after about 30 minutes he tells her " hey lets go back to my place". she replies "okay, but i gotta warn u im on my period.’’ the guy says "alright" and then they went back to his house. the next morning the guy wakes up to find that she had already left. but he notices that there is blood all over his sheets. the guy thinks to himself "oh no i must have hurt her" he gets up out of bed and walks into the bathroom. there is blood everywhere, in the shower, on the floor, in the sink. he then says"i think i killed her" he turns to face the mirror and he sees that he has blood all over his mouth and he yells out "Oh my god, i ate her!!!"

2006-11-24 19:19:13 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-24 19:02:46 · 6 answers · asked by pimpkeem 1

2006-11-24 18:56:20 · 22 answers · asked by Custo Dian 3

The meal costs £10 each. After the meal they give £30 to the waiter who goes to the till with the money. The woman working the till discovers that they have been overcharged and the meal should have cost £25 so she gives the waiter £5 to give back to the fellas. The waiter decides to pocket £2 and gives the fellas £1 each back. This makes the meal cost £9. So that's 3 meals at £9 each which is £27 and the waiter took £2 which makes £29. So where is the missing £1?

2006-11-24 18:28:21 · 13 answers · asked by mr brightside 2

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the s-h-i-t out of him...
Like his mama used to do.

2006-11-24 18:26:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!

2006-11-24 18:24:08 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the jungle there lived a gorilla and a rhino. The gorilla and the
rhino had been best mates for over 5 years. They went to the watering
hole together and stuff.

The next year winter had finished and spring had sprung, and the
gorilla was feeling a little randy. After about a month he hadn't
managed to pull and he was feeling more randy. After another month he
still hadn't so he was feeling even more randy.

One day he was walking through the jungle and there ahead of him was
the rhino bent over drinking from the lake. This was too much for the
gorilla who saw the rhino's ar *s right there in front of him swaying
gently from side to as he drank. The gorilla couldn't contain himself
any more and ran straight at the rhino and buggered him senseless for
a good half-hour - and all the time the rhino was screaming, "get off
me, I'm going to kill you, you bastard!" but he couldn't do anything
because the gorilla was holding on too tight.

Eventually the gorilla finished and climbed off. "Right, I'm going to
kill you, you bastard!" he shouted and started running after the
gorilla. The gorilla was yelling, "We've been best mates for 5 years,
we shouldn't let a little thing like this come between us!" but the
rhino wouldn't have any of it and he was slowly catching up.

The gorilla ran into a camp where an explorer was sat in a chair
reading the newspaper. He ran off to the north but he couldn't get
past the cliffs, so he ran back to the camp. He ran east but he
couldn't get past the river, so he ran back to the camp. He ran west
but he couldn't get through the undergrowth, so he ran back to the
camp. Then he wringed the explorer's neck, grabbed his clothes and
newspaper, threw the explorer over the trees, sat down, and started to
read.

The rhino ran into the camp. He ran off to the north, but couldn't
find the gorilla so he ran back into the camp. He ran off to the east,
but couldn't find the gorilla so he ran back into the camp. He ran off
to the west, but couldn't find the gorilla so he ran back into the
camp.

"Excuse me," he said, "but have you seen a gorilla around?"

The gorilla, still reading to hide his face asked, "What, the one that
buggered a rhino by the watering hole down there?"

"Oh God! Don't tell me it's in the papers already."

2006-11-24 18:22:33 · 16 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

The difference between bathing suits of now and then is, that the bathing suits of the past required that you open the suit to see the buttocks.

The bathing suits today require that you open the buttocks to see the suit.

2006-11-24 18:20:50 · 7 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

2006-11-24 18:18:16 · 8 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

Women are like an internet VIRUS
They ENTER ur life, SCAN ur pocket
TRANSFER ur money
EDIT ur mind
DOWNLOD their problems
DELETE ur smile and HANG u 4ever!!!

Interviewer: Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Interviewee: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.

Yo Mommy was doing experiment with cockroach, first she cut it's one leg and told WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked. Then she cut it's second leg and told the same. Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same. At last she cut it's fourth leg and ordered it walk! But cockroach didn't walk.
Suddenly Yo Mommy said loudly, "I found it. If we cut cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.

A person was traveling with his wife in a Taxi. The driver adjusted mirror.
The Person shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will drive.

Interviewer: just imagine your in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Interviewee : its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!

“In my day,” said the father to his son, “mathematics was easy!”
“That’s because you figured it out in your head,” replied the son. “Today, we have to use a stupid computer.”

2006-11-24 18:15:43 · 9 answers · asked by Imtiyaz G 4

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. all you can do is stalk than and hope they panic and give in

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just bastards

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it

I’ve learned that it’s not what you have in your life that counts, but how much you have in your bank account

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others-they are more messed up than you think

I’ve learned that can keep puking long after you think you’re finished

I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place

I’ve learned that money is a great substitute for character

I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones who do

I’ve learned that we don’t have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves

I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper

I’ve learned that overzealous customs agents can change your life in a matter of hours

I’ve learned that people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away

2006-11-24 18:14:05 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Iranian ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the United States ambassador, John Bolton.

They exchanged pleasantries and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know I have a question about something I have seen in America."

Ambassador Bolton said, "Well anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Arabs or Muslims on Star Trek."

Bolton laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

2006-11-24 18:11:50 · 5 answers · asked by Woody 3

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No Sir," Earl replied, "we're on the patch."

2006-11-24 18:09:01 · 8 answers · asked by Woody 3

Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to bring along one item to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards, grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, gin and other games with a cellmate, or all sorts of different solitaire games when I'm by myself."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.

The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled and said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned, pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the label, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller skating...."

2006-11-24 18:03:33 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations.

Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite.

To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game.

By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.''

A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms.

''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.''

''Very well. Come with me.''
Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a b-l-o-w-j-o-b.''

"But my friend, where is the danger in this?''

Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a cannibal.''

2006-11-24 18:01:40 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

2006-11-24 17:57:28 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous