Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

It was yesterday. I was enjoying a hearty cup of tapioca pudding and clipping my toenails that were teeming with fungi. I was watching Dr. Phil’s inspirational advice, when all of a sudden I heard an intrusion in my space of sound. It was a deafening vibration from the upstairs bathroom. I harkened to the earsplitting pitch of sound. I began to fiddle with my descending rolls of bubbling cellulite. In great exhaustion I attempted to ascend up the stairs. My hangnail was blocking my range of vision. I finally got up those 5 utterly immense steps and was heavily out of breath. I opened the door and right in the vicinity of my eyes was gramps on the cold hard tile floor. There was Lysol frothing from his mouth and aside him a punctured Lysol can with some of his digits installed along the outside of the receptacle of cleaning fluid. I began to stare in disbelief and agony at the eyesore of a carcass. All of a sudden his top half shot up and his organ of sight propelled into the corner of the counter. I then navigated myself over to the toilet. In my great gratification there were dodos and feces all over bowl. I flushed it to mae the stench go away. But, before my eyes, a geyser of liquid feces was propelled into the air. I stared in awe for a few seconds, until I quickly unstuck gramps’ instrument of vision from the corner of the counter and shoved gramps’ bulbous face into the steaming fountain. I haven’t gotten around to cleaning the bathroom yet, but I hope he is okay. I have been waiting for him to get up from the bathroom floor for over 24 hours. I brought him some beef stroganoff but he refused to allow me to shove it down his esophagus. I have stopped going up to the bathroom because of the horrendous stench. What should I do?

2006-11-24 12:30:21 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that her students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. She wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So she asked her class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, she gathered her wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

2006-11-24 12:28:40 · 5 answers · asked by delphinuz 3

The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent
marriage annulled. "On what grounds ?" questioned the Judge, "This
court does not take annulments lightly."

"Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I
thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had
married a wide receiver."

2006-11-24 12:27:50 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen,
they don't come in when you call, they like
to stay out all night, come home and expect
to be fed and stroked, then want to be left
alone and sleep. In other words, every quality
that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

2006-11-24 12:26:28 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

2006-11-24 12:21:15 · 9 answers · asked by delphinuz 3

1 and 5 others to say I could have done that better

2006-11-24 12:19:35 · 16 answers · asked by ? 2

I want something really funny not like why did the chucken cross the road or anythng like that real answers please

2006-11-24 12:08:23 · 6 answers · asked by joelle 3

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole
hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the
air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air
and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole
to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....

Scroll down......
Get ready.....



Are you sure you're ready?


MOLASSES!

Come on you laughed!!!!!!!

2006-11-24 12:04:23 · 9 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

(Please tell the story in detail. Please no digusting stuff. Disgusting = what should be in the body is out of it for whatever reason) I would like a good laugh and to pass one along. Best to all applicants....)

2006-11-24 11:51:40 · 8 answers · asked by theresa e 1

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board.

Again, she looked angrily around again for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Then finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the sentence,

'The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!'

2006-11-24 11:37:29 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

7. Talk about a HUGE breast!
6. wow, that's one terrific spread..
5. Don't play with your meat!
4. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in!
3. How long do I beat it before it is ready?
2. If I don't undo my pants I'll burst!
1. You'll know it's ready when it pops out.

2006-11-24 11:29:23 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I've had a rough week and my wife is in a mood, and the girls are right up there with her! Is there anything you can say or a joke that you have for me? I'm English, so our humor can be rather bizarre, but am always up for a good "way to go" and a good joke or two. And I can laugh at myself, so if you have a good English tease, I'd like to hear that too! One has to learn to laugh at themself if they're to find any sort of happiness in their lives, do you agree? Please help me find laughter! :-\

2006-11-24 11:26:58 · 4 answers · asked by Arthur Andrews. 1

Crusty old Air Force Colonel is at a gala event hosted by a local arts college.There's no shortage of young,idealistic ladies there,one of whom approaches the Colonel for conversation."Excuse me,"says the student "but you seem to be a very serious man.Is something bothering you?"
"No," the Colonel says."Im just serious by nature ma'am.The young lady looks at his awards&says,"It looks like you've seen a lot of action."
"Yeah,lot of action"replies the soldier.
"Look"cries the girl,angry at his taciturn nature."You should lighten up a little.Relax.Enjoy yourself."
When the Colonel replies that he's already relaxed the girl snaps."Stop being so formal!"she shouts."I mean,when was the last time you had sex?"
The Colonel looks at her."Well,that would be 1955,"he replies.
The girl crackles in triumph."That's it,"she laughs."You've got a hang-up about sex..chill out!No sex since 1955!"Isn't that a little extreme?"
"Oh I don't know" Colonel said glancing at his watch."It's only 2130 now"

2006-11-24 11:26:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.ten little piggies
2. 2 calves
3 1 As.s
4 1 Beaver
5 1 p.ussy
6 an unknown number of hares
7, one dead fish no one can find

2006-11-24 11:26:00 · 17 answers · asked by chris w. 7

waiting for the incoming says to Jesus "i have to go on an errand, "would you mind the gates for me.Ask a few questions to find out if they are worthy to come in or not"
Ok thought Jesus, how hard can it be
Straight away an old man turns up." What did you do in life"? asks Jesus
" Oh i was a Carpenter". said the man.
"Yes and i had a son,"
"You had a son" said Jesus
Yes" said the man "but we lost him
"You lost him.said Jesus, "You lost your son"
Yes" said the old man" but he had holes in his hands and feet".
"Father" said Jesus.....
"Pinnocchio."...................

2006-11-24 11:12:56 · 6 answers · asked by chris w. 7

What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?.... You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

2006-11-24 11:11:45 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-24 10:44:49 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tell me a joke you heard that you think is the funniest.

2006-11-24 10:40:21 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models. I Saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year Is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer£900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

2006-11-24 10:40:06 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

came to stay at our house. I took myself off to the pub and left her to the wife. When I got back the wife made me a brew and said right love I'm off to bed see you in a few minutes. Ok i said i'll be up as soon as i have had my tea. I went in to the bedroom and slide between the sheets and got hold of a nice warm t*t, just then the wife came in and said I forgot to tell you we're in the back bedroom tonight !!!!!!!!

2006-11-24 10:38:59 · 13 answers · asked by Shredder 6

a wife leaves the bathroom before getting into bed complaining of a headache. "not tonight dear my head is killing me"
Husband leaves the bathroom after powdering his d.ick with aspirin and say's
"Do you want it orally or as a supository it's up to you".

am i forgiven............................................................................

2006-11-24 10:34:59 · 5 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice answered, "NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK".

2006-11-24 10:28:08 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-24 10:16:56 · 20 answers · asked by freddy197120032003 3

if we arn't meant to eat animals

why are they made of meat......

2006-11-24 10:14:48 · 16 answers · asked by chris w. 7

trouble with the RSPCA for having a mole on my d**k ?

2006-11-24 09:56:36 · 17 answers · asked by Shredder 6

send home all the foriegn people? Because I'd get nothing to eat near me after 10.00 o'clock !!!

2006-11-24 09:51:24 · 11 answers · asked by pokerfacelad 4

2006-11-24 09:49:32 · 4 answers · asked by shifty 2

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vets. He found the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this
from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in its ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and got some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it on my legs either and, if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The pharmacist replied, "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."

2006-11-24 09:49:31 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cross the playground?
....................................................................................................................................................................To get to the other Slide...........
...................Not sure they get any worse then that!!!

2006-11-24 09:40:57 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

lines to tickle your funny bone!!!!!!

What's worse than a male chauvanist pig?
A woman who wont do as shes told !!!!

I married miss right !!
I just didn't know her first name was always

Why do men die before their wives ?
Because they want to !!

Women will never be equal to men !!
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still know that they are sexy !!

2006-11-24 09:34:07 · 12 answers · asked by Shredder 6