got any funny stories,,jokes?

Question

I want something really funny not like why did the chucken cross the road or anythng like that real answers please

Answer 1

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."

Answer 2

Rosanne

Answer 3

a woman took her daughter to get her first haircut, on the way she bought her daughter an icecream cone, when the barber was about to put the cape around her to keep the hair off of her, he looked at the icecream cone and then looked at the girl and said "you're gonna get hair on it", and the girl said, "i know, i'm gonna get boobies too"

Answer 4

this is dumb, but:
there was a little boy and a little girl who would hang out with each other everyday outside. One day, the boy pulled down is pants and the girl pulled up her skirt. They both asked eacgother what's that? and went to ask their parents. the boy's dad said "it is your car you park it in a girl's garage" and the girl's mom said " it is a garage boys park their car in it" the next day they told each other what their parents had said. for the next hour the boy kept asking the girl "can i park my car in your garage?" the girl said no but he kept asking. she went home and her mom saw that she had bloody hands. "what happened?" she asked, concerned. the girl replied: "i ripped the two back tires off of the car"

Answer 5

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir," came the reply, "it's fresh ground."

Answer 6

my name iz tyrone biggums.... i smoke rocks.......wats ur name n wats wrong wit u???????