Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

a busty blonde catches a bloke's eye. He can't believe she's looking at him but she waves. He asks, "Do I know you?" She says, "Yes I think you're the Father of one of my children." He gulps remembering his one and only act of infidelity then asks, "Are you that dirty stripper I shagge* on the pool table on my stag do while your mate shoved a cucumber up my ars*?"..."No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher!"

2006-11-24 09:33:07 · 25 answers · asked by matt30 2

I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN............................

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
I'd love to be eight again" she replied
On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big
Bowl of Coco-Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a Day!
He put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a Refreshing chocolate
milk-shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog,
Pop-corn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed
exhausted .
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked
"Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed ..
"I meant my dress size, you f*ckin tw*t"

The moral of this story :
- Even when a man is listening, he's still
gonna get it wrong!!!!!

2006-11-24 09:20:48 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Answer Quickley .. What is half of 99..

2006-11-24 08:45:14 · 28 answers · asked by Gordon C 2

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job", Harry reply.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ......

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

2006-11-24 08:40:00 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-24 08:38:09 · 4 answers · asked by dbfcf 1

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

2006-11-24 08:33:00 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-24 08:17:02 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply.

I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife, therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't perturbed I shall be back home before midnight. When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.....

2006-11-24 08:15:06 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: If you woke up with a condom hanging out of your behind, would you tell anyone?

A: No!

Q: Do you want to go camping?

2006-11-24 08:04:20 · 8 answers · asked by listen68 3

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day
complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly
dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards."
said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to
give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10
hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said,
"That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to
give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried
to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly
exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from
down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor,
"I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick
Mr. Smith's boil!"

2006-11-24 07:46:09 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Im on the toilet and there is no tissue. uh oh, someone rung the door bell! Man, this really stinks, the toilet! What should i do?

2006-11-24 07:45:31 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous 2

and asked " Can i buy a wasp please" the salesman said "Don't be stupid we don't sell wasps". The bloke said "Well you've got one in the window!"

2006-11-24 07:44:09 · 19 answers · asked by indicabud1uk 3

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving
very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled
the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that
evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads
stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then
there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these
mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o'
those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I
had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye
know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for
later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he
located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for
inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you
to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

2006-11-24 07:43:44 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-24 07:41:53 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride
if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will
never open. The bride agrees.

After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has
been left ajar. She peeks in and sees 3 golf balls and $6,000.

She confronts her mate with her findings, and asks for an
explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you,
I put a golf ball in the drawer."

She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad. But what about the
$6,000? He explains "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls,
I sold 'em!"

2006-11-24 07:37:24 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

............one farted and the other one said "Do you mind, i'm eating!)

2006-11-24 07:34:45 · 11 answers · asked by indicabud1uk 3

>
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C*u*m Dancing !!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-24 07:31:02 · 6 answers · asked by minitheminx65 5

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."


One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

2006-11-24 07:30:33 · 10 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Dirty Johnny's father walks into the bathroom and catches him jerking
off.

He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby."

The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again.

Johnny says, "Bow your head, Pop. Can't you see we're having a
funeral?"

2006-11-24 07:30:08 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy and a blonde are making out feverishly in the front seat of
his car. After an hour or so, he whispers in her ear, "Do you want
to move to the back seat?"

She replies, "NO!" Flabbergasted, he says, "Why Not?"

To which she replies, "Well, I want to stay up here with you. It'd
be lonely back there!"

2006-11-24 07:25:47 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all" ...Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

2006-11-24 07:23:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

i wanna hear could jokes from anyone?

2006-11-24 07:19:07 · 5 answers · asked by big brotha 1

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had
been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"


The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

2006-11-24 07:15:25 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

2006-11-24 07:12:40 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

To make him laugh..... while i'm driving !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-24 07:12:12 · 6 answers · asked by Elle J Morgan 6

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says,"OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes.

2006-11-24 07:08:24 · 29 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and
spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

2006-11-24 07:06:16 · 20 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots?! What's wrong?" "I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender. "I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Jeez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender. The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

2006-11-24 07:00:17 · 15 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm &sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death...

What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the
act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd
both still be alive !

2006-11-24 06:59:51 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=110059996020&ssPageName=STRK:MESE:IT&ih=001

2006-11-24 06:58:35 · 7 answers · asked by dsfsdf f 1