anyone got good jokes?

Question

i tried posting this question foe a while and dey sent me a violation notice? FOR WHAT??? geez. wats their problem? anyway the jokes, i want a good laugh!

Answer 1

may ruin it because I don't want to type forever but...
This guy takes a girl out on their first date to a Mexican restaurant. Everything is going GREAT and he's very excited. During the meal he has to fart but holds it in because he likes her and things are going well.
They finish the meal and he is driving her home. The pressure is building and he really has to let his fart go but he's holding on. By the time they reach her house he thinks he is about to burst but when she asks him to come in and meet her parents he knows he had better not refuse if he wants to see her again.
He sits down on the sofa and decides that if he doesn't let some of this gas out he's going to do some internal damage. At the same time the family's little dog jumps on his lap and he lets out just a bit. A moment later the dad who is sitting in the room yells BUTCH!
The guy is thinking... this is too good to be true! I can let it out and he'll blame it on the dog. He lets out a bit more to test it again. Shortly after the dad bellows (a bit louder) BUUTCH!
So the guy figures he's in the clear and lets out a loooong silent and super smelly fart and the dad yells BUUUUTCH! GET OFF OF HIM BEFORE HE CRAPS ON YOU!

Answer 2

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Answer 3

There was a blonde cop that pulled over a blonde lady that had been speeding on the highway, the blonde cop walked up to the window and asked to see her license and registration. The blonde driver finds her registration but cannot find her license. So the blonde driver asks the blonde cop, "What does it look like?" The blonde cop replied, "It's kind of square and has a picture of you on it..." So the blonde driver fumbles around a little bit more in her car to find it... she finally came across a square compact, opened it and saw that it was her! She handed the compact to the blonde cop as her license, when the blonde cop opened it she said "Oh, I'm sorry ma'am... I didn't know you were a cop...!"

Answer 4

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Answer 5

God comes and visits a man named Trevor and tells Trevor that if he gives us drinking, smoking and sex for 7 days then he will be guarantee a place in Heaven.
Trevor agrees and seven days later God takes a seat opposite Trevor in his local pub.
"So, how did you get on?" asked God
"Quite well" replies Trevor
"I didn't smoke a single cigarette or consume any alcohol for the entire 7 days" continues Trevor
"What about the sex?" God asks
"Well, I got to the 6th day and my girlfriend was bending over the freezer to get some peas and I couldn't resist: I just had to have her right there" Trevor admits
"Well, they don't like that very much in heaven" says God
"I know" says Trevor
"they didn't like it very much in Asda either"...

Answer 6

Whilst on holiday in Spain some years ago I was depressed because I couldn't get a girl. Eventually I found a 65 year old woman who was prepared to do a bit and took me back to her apartment.

"Well" I thought, "It's not much, but it's the best I can do."

As we got down to it she suddenly said. "How do you fancy a bit of mother and daughter action?"

"Oh yes please." I answered, suddenly elated.

Turning on her side she shouted towards the other bedroom door, "Mother....."

Answer 7

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

Answer 8

i got like couple so here:

1) A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: April 6, 2006


I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!


2)After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama Bin Laden is still alive", Osama decided to personally send President Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was "still in the game".

Mr. Bush opened the letter, which contained a single line of "coded" message:

370HSSV-0773H

Mr. Bush was baffled, so he sent copies to his Chief of Staff, and several Secretaries, including Condi Rice and Donald Rumsfeld.

Their assistants and aides had no clue as to the meaning or translation of the code, so it was sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, then to the CIA and also to NASA.

With no clue to the translation, they eventually asked Israel's MOSAD for help.

Within a minute, MOSAD cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he is holding the message upside down."

3) Fred had been very religious and was in the hospital in a very ill condition. The family called their priest to stand with them. As the priest stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate suddenly and Fred motioned frantically for something to write on.

The priest lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper. Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, and then he died. The priest thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At Fred's funeral, as he was finishing the ceremony, the priest realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died.

He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He took the note from his pocket and read, "You are standing on my oxygen tube!"

4) A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 3 men, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her. "The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man, "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."

Now they're down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat her to death with the chair!"


***well these are more then a couple so enjoy peeps***

Answer 9

You know them roach-killing chalk made in China? I bought some but i just couldn't write DIE YOU FILTHY VERMIN in chinese.

Answer 10

hey fattymcbutterpants!(the fifth answer) I heard that one already!(it's soures is not from you!)