Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.' The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. continued> wait!

2006-11-04 08:58:43 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was a boy and he came in late at school the teacher asked him where he had benn and he said on top of strawberry hill!! Another boy walks in late and the teacher asks him where he has benn and he said ontop of strawberry hil!! This little new gurl walk in and she says Strawberry hil!! She said ohhhhhh and finally caught on!!

2006-11-04 08:55:49 · 4 answers · asked by sara_skipper 1

Customer: Do you have any cockroaches? The shopkeeper replied "Yes we sell them to the fisherman." The customer said "Well, I would like 20,000 of them please". The shopkeeper asked "What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?"and the customer replied, "I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it."

Thumbs up?

2006-11-04 08:55:25 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Many people that I ask say the chicken, but alot of other people say that the egg came first. I AM CONFUSED!

2006-11-04 08:51:29 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't
Get
Through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are
Talking
about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it
Clearly
states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC
Wall
socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me
The
Number
for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the
Wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me
When I am
travelling in Australia?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in
France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering
Wheel
To
the other side of the car?"

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Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar
In
Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the
Spelling
correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish
Bar
But
The 'B' fell off".

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in
Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven
In
Scotland ".

----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a
Phone box
told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the
Number on"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open
Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up
Menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
Until
this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I
Wrote
'click'".

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the
Screen,
can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from
There?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just
Realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I
Have my
file back again?".

----------------------------------------------------------------------
There's always one.
This
has got to be one of the funniest things in a
long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
This is
a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed
From a
recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say
The
Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing
The Word
Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I
know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help
You?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with
WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a
Sudden
the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I
Type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get
Out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't
accept
anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks
like a
TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and
find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me
if
it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you
notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it,
not just one ????

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there
again
and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
Securely
Into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something
and lean way over"???

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right
Angle -
it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only
light
I have is coming in from the window.
" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay,
we've got
it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer
came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the
store you
bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do
I tell
them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too $*%ing stupid to own a
computer!!!!!"

2006-11-04 08:48:35 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A 90 year old man went to the doctors, “I’m getting married to a 23 year old woman, what do you think?” The doctors says, “ I’m not too sure but I think you should get a lodger to help you”.
After several months the old guy went back to the doctors, the doctor said ”How’s the new wife? “Oh she’s pregnant “ he said. “Right” said the doc, “and how is the lodger”.
“She’s pregnant too” said the old guy.

Suck that you two.

2006-11-04 08:45:33 · 7 answers · asked by tucksie 6

octopus walks into a bar,says... i beti can playany musical instrument. bloke gives him a guitar which he plays better than jimmy hendrix.2nd bloke says.. bet you cant play the piano. the octopus plays better than elton john.jock the scott gives him bagpipes,the octopus fumbles for a minute and looks confused.jock says... HA ha,can ye nae play it? octopus says play it? I,m going to shag it as soon as i get its fecking pyjamas off!!!

2006-11-04 08:44:09 · 16 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

A young girl walked into a hardware store and as her eyes met the old storeman's across the counter, a magic moment occurred. It was love at first sight. Within a week, the happy couple were married and spent their honeymoon on a round-the-world cruise. When they returned home, the old storeman went down to the local for a quick pint and bumped into his cribbage partner. "Welcome home Ernie," he said "did you have a good time?"
"It was wonderful Gerald, everything was so romantic, we made love almost every night, we..."
"Really!" interrupted his friend, "to make love almost every night is fantastic at your age."
"No, no, you didn't let me finish. I was going to say we almost made love on Monday, we almost made love on Tuesday, we almost..."

2006-11-04 08:31:44 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lie down and close your eyes. Breathe. Slowly breathe in and out. Feel yourself relaxing. Concentrate on your breathing. Now I want you to picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water. Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place. What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then ploop! ...back under they go... You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want. There now... feeling better?

2006-11-04 08:27:20 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea.She went down2the docks&was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome sailor saw her on the edge of the pier crying.Taking pity on her he said"Look, you've got a lot to live for.I'm off to the States in the morning&if you like I can stow you away on my ship.I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day" Moving closer he slipped his arm around her shoulder&added"I'll keep you happy&you'll keep me happy."The girl nodded yes.After all,what did she have to lose?That night,the sailor hid her in a lifeboat.Every night he brought her3sandwiches&a piece of fruit&they made passionate love until dawn. 3weeks later during a routine inspection,she was discovered by the captain."What are you doing here?"he asked. "I have an arrangement with 1 of the sailors,"she said."I get food&a trip to the states&in return,he's screwing me."He sure is said the captain."This is the Mersey Ferry!"

2006-11-04 08:15:39 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist had a mutual friend who was getting married and each was determined to play a practical joke on the newlyweds.
The electrician decided to wire up the marriage bed so that when the two bodies touched, they got a shock.
The carpenter planned to saw partly through the bed frame so that it would collapse when the shocked newlyweds jumped apart.
As the wedding approached, the dentist was still scratching his head and trying to come up with something.
After the honeymoon, the new husband confronted his three friends and said, "I didn't mind too much when we got zapped," he told them, "and we both had a good laugh when the bed fell down. But who in heck put Novocaine in the Vaseline?"

2006-11-04 08:13:55 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-04 08:13:46 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN
AT THE
LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY: Monday, August 28th, 2006

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO EIGHT (8) PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays — Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll — Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? — Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 h ours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor —
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes — Can They Levitate and Fly Into

2006-11-04 08:12:45 · 2 answers · asked by knowssignlanguage 6

(got nothing against blondes aight) :)

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions -
"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...
The 45th bus just went by!"

2006-11-04 08:09:09 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

if the wind waz blowing north east....

2006-11-04 08:08:21 · 12 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
when you said you had 10 inches Lord I almost died,
but I'd spent oh so many years just waiting for a man that long,
that I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on.

But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a big Mac and you've bought me a french fry,
I should have known that it was bullsh*t, just a sad pathetic dream,
should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans.

Go on now go, walk out the door,
don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4,
Oh weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't catch you out,
don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count.

Chorus:
I will survive, I will survive,
Cos as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex with a handful of latex,
I will survive,
I will survive...
hey hey.

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing short and proud,

2006-11-04 08:07:55 · 22 answers · asked by Karen C 2

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because
he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and
asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is
therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he
goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and
experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is
work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority:
a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other
words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question,
then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so
many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have
the maid do it."

2006-11-04 08:03:49 · 26 answers · asked by i_love_ponys83 1

We had to take my dog to the vet today and now he has to be on med. for his seizures and I have to help pay for it. Does anyone have any ideas of I how I could earn allownce?

2006-11-04 08:01:36 · 15 answers · asked by Dog Person 1

A man was sitting despondently at the corner of the bar nursing a full pint of beer. He was about to put it to his lips when a quarrelsome 6 foot thug snatched the pint from his hands and drank it straight off.

"So what are you going to do about that?" said the thug challenging the poor man.

"Nothing," replied the man sadly. "I should have guessed something like that would happen to me today.....first I wake up this morning to find the wife has left me and taken the kids with her. "Then I'm involved in an accident and my car's a right off. So I get to work late and the boss fires me. But if that isn't enough, just as I get the nerve up to kill myself, you go and drink my last dose of arsenic!"

2006-11-04 07:54:42 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he had
told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed
done at their house.

He said that on the first day he didn't see any difference and
on the second day he didn't see any difference, but on the third day he came home to
a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking. He told them that on the first day he didn't see any results and on the second
day he didn't see any results, but on the third day, his house was clean, the dishes
were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her
that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said on the first day he
didn't see anything and on the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third
day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left
eye.

2006-11-04 07:49:02 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it
be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

and my favorite:

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

2006-11-04 07:41:35 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss.. and then they rip each other's
clothes .... After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over
and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

2006-11-04 07:38:04 · 28 answers · asked by Karen C 2

i need a joke for shcool not a gross one or a bad one just really funny

2006-11-04 07:37:26 · 5 answers · asked by frenchfry 1

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE!!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!"

2006-11-04 07:23:24 · 28 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A young man wanted to get his blonde wife somthing nice for there wedding annniversary. So he bought her a mobile phone. After he explained all the features on it , she was thrilled with it. Next day her phone rang it was her husband, hi honey how do you like your new phone? Just great its compact and your so clear.But there is one thing i dont understand. Whats that honey? asked the husband. How did you know i was in wal~mart?

2006-11-04 07:18:01 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-04 07:17:34 · 18 answers · asked by andrew r 1

2006-11-04 07:11:52 · 7 answers · asked by hot chips 1

am i a polar bear
dad says yes ask mum if you dont believe me
baby polar bear asks mum am i a polar bear
mum says yes, why do you keep asking
baby polar bear says because im f*****g freezing

2006-11-04 07:11:00 · 17 answers · asked by ? 4

 A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
 The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?

2006-11-04 07:08:02 · 10 answers · asked by Alicat 6

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

2006-11-04 07:01:45 · 14 answers · asked by Alicat 6