Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-04 16:48:27 · 10 answers · asked by ₦âħí»€G 6

"Husseinfeld"

"Mad About Everything"

"U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"

"Suddenly Sanctions"

"Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest"

"Matima Loves Chachi"

"Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"

"Wheel of Fortune and Terror"

"Iraq''s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"

"Achmed''s Creek"

"The Price is Right If Saddam Says It''s Right"

"M*U*S*T*A*S*H"

"Veronica''s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"

"Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque"

"When Kurds Attack"

"Just Shoot Me"

"My Two Baghdads"

"Diagnosis Heresy"

"Everybody Loves Saddam Or He''ll Have Them Shot"

"Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"

2006-11-04 16:46:31 · 3 answers · asked by ? 5

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally
swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no
ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions,
undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he
looked up the man's **** was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

2006-11-04 16:35:36 · 11 answers · asked by ? 5

What do you get if you rearrange the letters in 'Mother-in-Law'???

(I'll post a reply soon)

2006-11-04 16:27:53 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.

"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."

"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

2006-11-04 16:26:19 · 11 answers · asked by ? 5

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

2006-11-04 16:24:40 · 9 answers · asked by ? 5

roll call have been a tad confusing?

http://www.battle1066.com/

2006-11-04 16:24:21 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-04 16:22:23 · 6 answers · asked by jedi1josh 5

biscuitwalas love letter
dear PARLE G today is a GOOD DAY u have KRACK JACKED my LITTLE HEART i am in a 50-50 position so dont play HIDE AND SEEK and MARIE me

2006-11-04 16:15:47 · 40 answers · asked by sweeeeeeeeeeeeety 1

A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans.

Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.

The teacher asks Little Johnny, why he has decided to be different.

Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."

The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.

The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this IS Vermont, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."

2006-11-04 16:06:51 · 11 answers · asked by Electric 7

2006-11-04 16:01:09 · 9 answers · asked by ₦âħí»€G 6

2006-11-04 15:59:56 · 13 answers · asked by ₦âħí»€G 6

this is mine

A man is opening a restaurant and he asks one of his workers to come up with a name for it.
The man tells Al, one of his workers, that he will name the resaurant after the first thing Al sees when he goes out the door.

Al walks outside and the first thing he saw was a girl named Lucy and he saw her legs. He told the man, and so the restaurant was named Lucy's Legs. The man was so impressed that he said the next day Al could get a free drink.

The next day Al comes a bit early and a policeman walks by and notices Al waiting there. The policeman asks, "What are you doing?"

Al says, "I'm waiting for Lucy's legs to open so I can get a drink."

2006-11-04 15:53:58 · 11 answers · asked by Agent005 2

The king wants to marry off his only daughter, so he announces that any prince who wants to win her hand must answer a simple riddle. (Yeah, I know, but this is back in the day when that kind of thing was considered acceptable. Go women's rights!)

Anyway - 3 princes turn up to take the challenge. The king tells them: I'm going to put a hat on each of your heads. Each hat will be either black or white. If you see a white hat, raise your hand. The first one to tell me what colour hat they're wearing gets to marry the princess.

So he puts a white hat on all 3 princes' heads. All 3 princes raise their hands.

After a while, one prince says 'my hat is white' (and he and the princess go off to live happily ever after)

How did he work it out?

2006-11-04 15:37:58 · 12 answers · asked by hot.turkey 5

27 June. Dear Dorethy.

Sorry Dot, gotta dash

yours forever
Morse.

2006-11-04 15:29:54 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

when an elephant sits on a fence..?

2006-11-04 15:24:08 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-04 15:20:55 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

American, Japanese, and Mexican men are going home and the airplane was too heavy so everyone had to throw something out. The American throws out a rock. The Mexican throws out beans, and the Japanese throws out a bomb. When they got home the American saw a little girl crying so he asked “little girl why are u crying” the little girl said
‘I was walking home and rock fell out of the sky and hit me.” The Mexican went home and saw a little boy crying then he asked “little boy why r you crying” the little boy said “I was walking home and beans started falling out of the sky.” The Japanese went home and saw a man laughing. He asked,” Why are u laughing?” The man said, “because I farted and my house blew up.”

2006-11-04 15:09:58 · 20 answers · asked by lalala 1

unserious answers only, please

2006-11-04 14:39:09 · 17 answers · asked by hot.turkey 5

Italian, french and Mexican go 4 a job interview have to compose a sent. using 3 Colors
Italian: for breakfast i ate a yellow banana, green apple & red strawberry
French: i woke up, looked at the blue sky, green grass,& yellow sun
Mexican: (no offense)
green green! i pink up the phone and say yellow!!!
HAHAHAHAHA

2006-11-04 14:26:29 · 26 answers · asked by ceci 6

Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes off of it. One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop.

When he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital. The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asked, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't called, he hasn't written
P.S hi guineapig ☺

2006-11-04 14:10:54 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-04 14:05:20 · 24 answers · asked by STIGMATALADY 2

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.'

'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking a*s*s*!!!!!!!

2006-11-04 13:52:46 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Not for you Fredick....you clearly don't understand jokes....but for the rest of you lovely people......

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next
day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would
find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper
by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws





WOMEN'S REVENGE


"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.



W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



CREATION
A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!




WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for
my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed

says.........."HEBREWS"

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

2006-11-04 13:50:33 · 9 answers · asked by untanuta 5

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....


Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides



HAVE A GREAT DAY

2006-11-04 13:40:13 · 19 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?’" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today

2006-11-04 13:36:57 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do You Have The Time
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

2006-11-04 13:36:14 · 24 answers · asked by Dharshi 2

> Quickie #1
> One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
>very sexy nightie.
> "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
> So he tied her up and went fishing.

> Quickie #2
>
> A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran
>into the house.
> She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
>pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
> The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>mountain stuff?"
> "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
>
> Quickie #3
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
>the other is a husband.
>
> Quickie #4
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
> The optician showed him a card with the letters:
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
> "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
> "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>
> Quickie #5
>
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
>must tell you all
> something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
> "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>chardonnay."
>
> Quickie #6
>
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
> "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
>need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
>going to STICK!
> Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
>you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
>your mind?
> Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
>Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
> The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
> The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
>when I'm driving."
>
> Quickie #7
>
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North
> Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
> On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
> That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
> On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
> That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
> On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
> The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

2006-11-04 13:30:53 · 9 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Ok my neighbors son was offended by his football coach and i wanted to help so at the end of the year when they give gifts they wanted in the card a joke or a put down for a short person. So if you know any pls. put it down. thx alot

2006-11-04 13:25:43 · 3 answers · asked by comediankid4 3

Man says to God "God, why did you make women so beautiful?"
God says, "So you will love her"
"But God," the man says. "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God says, "So she would love you"

2006-11-04 12:41:16 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous