Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

2006-11-04 07:00:24 · 12 answers · asked by Alicat 6

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
 neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
 "Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws

2006-11-04 06:58:02 · 18 answers · asked by Alicat 6

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment.  Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight.  Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

2006-11-04 06:55:52 · 21 answers · asked by Alicat 6

how many points can we give to the best are in some cases the exact answer? do riddles are things like that? i saw somewhere where someone said i will give 10 points to the first right answer. can we do that here?

2006-11-04 06:55:51 · 6 answers · asked by smart_mom60 2

Guy goes into a bar and sees this beautiful redhead...he goes up to her and asks to buy her a drink...she hesitantly accepts..he sits down beside her and begins to come on to her...after a few minutes she has decided that he is a complete turn off. But he keeps on trying...after a few more stupid comments from him he asks if he can take her home and make love to her....her reply is priceless....she states............."Honey if we were siamese twins you could not get me into bed."

2006-11-04 06:55:24 · 4 answers · asked by ஐAldaஐ 6

It doesn't show as a category. Oops, the page just showed me it's under Entertainment & Music.

2006-11-04 06:49:59 · 8 answers · asked by the shadow knows 3

When we were in Italy we just had to take a gondola ride. While doing so we saw a small shop with an artisan working in the window. Since it was festival time, we bought one of his more artist pieces. It was sunset when we stopped at a restaurant and I joked with my wife about the old sailors’ superstition. Then to make things a bit weird, a funeral barge went by with attending gondolas that caught the color of the sunset.

Since this is the second Word Riddle of the day, it contains clues for two classic written pieces. Think you can find them without further hints?

2006-11-04 06:49:52 · 4 answers · asked by Terry 7

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Frank," he responds.

"And what is your question, Frank?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what happened to Stanley?"

2006-11-04 06:48:39 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paul McCartney in a recent interview was asked whether he would ever go down on one knee again?
Paul replied "No way!, and I'd rather you call her Heather!"

2006-11-04 06:48:39 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

“U love someone

U marry someone else.

The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband.

And the one u loved becomes the password of ur mail id”
———— —

There’s only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.

There’s only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbour has it.
———— —

If someone says u r ugly, its ok, if someone says u r stupid, its ok,

If someone says u r a genius slap him as tight as you can cos there is limit of kidding n someone just crossed it.
———— —

Three dreams of a man:

To be as handsome as his mother thinks.

To be as rich as his child believes.

To have as many women as his wife suspects…
———— —

Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is the liver & wife the kidney.

If the liver fails, the kidney fails. If the kidney fails, the liver manages with other kidney.

2006-11-04 06:45:52 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?”

The man replies, “No, what do you mean?”

She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Later, the man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, “Did you call for me?” says the hairy man.

“No, what do you mean?” asks the newcomer.

“It’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. “May I help you?” she asks.

The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.”

“But, Sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.”

The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m 63 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I’m outta here!”

2006-11-04 06:41:50 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was visiting a friend when she was approached by a member of staff." will you buy a raffle ticket " asked the staff nurse. " whats the raffle for ?" asked the blonde." One of our porters died last week and its for his widow and three children " " no thanks said the blonde " what would i do with his widow and three kids? i have a boyfriend and two kids of my own to keep

2006-11-04 06:32:43 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5, 3-5, 3-5…

2006-11-04 06:32:09 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

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“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. ”

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

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“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

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“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”

~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

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“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!”

~ Brian O’Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

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“Wine is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

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“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is wine. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

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To some ! it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here’s how it went:

“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

2006-11-04 06:28:39 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A set of Jump leads went into a bar and asked for two pints of guinness. the barman said well ok but dont start anything. good eh eh ha ha ha

2006-11-04 06:26:16 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man arrives home with a sheep under his arm. He goes up to the bedroom where he finds his wife in bed reading. He proclaims "This is the pig I have been shagging when you have a headache. Wife replies "I think you will find that's a sheep". Husband says "I was talking to the sheep!".

2006-11-04 06:22:59 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

On the way to their wedding reception, The bride said tenderly to her brand-new husband, "It's really special the way your mom and dad love each other so much after all their years of marriage. The thing I think is especially thoughtful is that each morning he brings a cup of steaming hot coffee to her in bed. Is that an inherited quality?"

"You bet it is!," Her husband said. "I take after my mother."

2006-11-04 06:17:09 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

2006-11-04 06:09:53 · 24 answers · asked by i_love_ponys83 1

1. Regular naps prevent old age… especially if you take them while driving.
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
5. A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.
6. Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
7. Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without… but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.
8. You can’t buy love . . but you pay heavily for it.
9. True friends stab you in the front.
10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
14. Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
16. It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

2006-11-04 06:09:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals
concerning their "urges".

The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it,
squeeze my BOOB twice."

The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it,
pull my DONG 48 times."

2006-11-04 05:59:36 · 21 answers · asked by i_love_ponys83 1

2006-11-04 05:49:17 · 16 answers · asked by nicky 1

One day a boy who was senior was about to get laid the only problem was that he still lived at the house with his parents and shared a bunk bed wiht his brother soo when he got home they creeped to the top bunk of the bed the boy said lets use codes so we wont wake up my brother these were the codes: lettuce for go harder and tomato for new position then the girl yelled

Tomato!!!

Lettuce

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!
THEN the little boy yelled " will you guys stop making burgers up there you are gettin mayo all over my face!!!

2006-11-04 05:46:17 · 11 answers · asked by qwaisc 2

a blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mum and she says remember to pray tonight and it may come true, he wakes up next morning and screams for his mum, saying i still cant see. his mum replies i know, APRIL FOOL

2006-11-04 05:40:44 · 21 answers · asked by ? 4

He stuck his d1ck in her a$$ instead of her face!

LOL! I made that joke up all on my own. Ever try to make a joke up from scratch? It's tougher than it sounds. Like it? Get it (backwards and upside down)?

2006-11-04 05:40:22 · 4 answers · asked by Fat Bastard 2

who cares he will never run to you!

2006-11-04 05:39:37 · 20 answers · asked by LISA T 4

Knock Knock
Who is there
Boo
Boo Who?
Preh! Boo From The Mario Games!

You meet Jack Kat eating a kitkat bar in front of a bar called Black Kat. How many ks are in that?

None. There are no ks in that!

2006-11-04 05:38:51 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was this man at a zoo, naked, and the elephant wanted some peanuts, and the man was curious enough to ask what the elephant thought of his penis, he asked the elephant, the elephant said, "it's cute, but can it pick uo peanuts, cuz im starvin here!" ~LOL~

2006-11-04 05:20:24 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-04 05:19:26 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Englishmen are sitting at a bar and become quite tipsy. One turns to the other and says, “Oy, where are you from?”

The second man answers, “I’m from Liverpool.”

The first man, surprised, replies, “No way! I'm from Liverpool, too! What high school did you go to?”

The second man answers, “St. Mary's.”

“Wow!” yells the first man. “ME, TOO!”

“No way,” says the second man. “What year did you graduate?”

“Seventy-nine,” says the first man.

“Oh, my God!” screams the second man, “I graduated in ‘79, too!”

“Oh, boy, it’s gonna be a long night,” sighs the bartender, turning to one of his other customers. “The Johnson twins are drunk again.”

2006-11-04 05:17:30 · 8 answers · asked by ? 5

Can anyone tell me any good clean jokes ??

2006-11-04 05:17:03 · 9 answers · asked by Jenise B 2