Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

It is a lateral thinking kind of question. There is a good reason how he knows.

2006-11-04 01:16:08 · 19 answers · asked by superman in disguise 4

A boy told his mom, "I couldn't sleep last night so I went into your room. Why were you jumping up and down on daddy?"
His mom said, "Well dear, I was pushing the air out of him."

The boy replied, "Oh then you're wasting your time. The lady next door blows him back up every day."

2006-11-04 01:11:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-04 01:04:10 · 11 answers · asked by narayanan g 1

A long distance lorry driver goes into a pet shop and says,
I need a pet to keep my wife Betty company when i am away.
Pet shop owner says" got a talking parrot only trouble its got no legs".
Lorry driver "how does it sit on its perch"
Pet shop owner "its got a big willy that it wraps around the perch and holds on with"
So he buys it.
The lorry driver comes back after a long journey in Europe ,And his wife is out.
"Hi Polly hows things ".
Polly "Postman pat been here Postman Pat been here"
Driver "Postman Pat ! what happened then?"
Polly "Betty naked Betty Naked Betty Naked"
Driver "Then what"
Polly "Dont Know i fell off my perch".

2006-11-04 00:56:05 · 20 answers · asked by psychodad 3

A great Dane and a poodle are standing in font of a vet.

(Great Dane) What are you doing here

(Poodle) I'm getting put down today.

(Great Dane) Sh*t, that's no good. How come?

(Poodle) Well I keep digging up my owners garden, He's fed up so he's getting me put down.

Both dog's stand there for a while then the poodle say's to the great dane .

(Poodle) so why are you here?

(Great Dane) Well I was sitting by the pool the other day when my owners wife came out to do the gardning.

(Poodle) then what happened

(Great Dane) Well she was naked, she bent over to pull some weeds so I snuck up behind her and started giving her a little loving.

(Poodle) OH sh*t, so youre getting put down today too?

(Graet dane) NO I'm just getting my nails clipped.

2006-11-04 00:48:17 · 17 answers · asked by me 4

2006-11-04 00:42:03 · 10 answers · asked by Vball Babe 3

Is it because they don't like the thought of strangers making decisions for them?

2006-11-04 00:41:34 · 12 answers · asked by GrnApl 6

Read it :
Wanted

A tall well - built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates fuc -
schia garden, classic music and tal -
king without getting too serious.

now read it once again but only every second line.
Funny, isn't it ?

Please write sth like this for me. 10 to 15 lines. I'd be gratefull.

2006-11-04 00:01:10 · 3 answers · asked by bar111186 1

One day while a blonde was driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious he went over to her car and slashed the tyres. The blonde started laughing. This made the man even angrier so he smashed her windscreen. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde was now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her "Whats so funny?". The blonde giggled and replied "When you weren't looking. I stepped out of the circle three times!"

2006-11-03 23:49:16 · 16 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

His wife was reading a letter which had just been delivered.
Wife says, "It's from my Brother Tom, What a scrawl"!
Shows the letter to Hubby and asks, "Is that an "A" or an "O"?
Hubby glances at letter and says, "It's an "O"!

"Oh my God" Says the wife. "My Brother has Shot himself"!

2006-11-03 23:44:43 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bartender is sitting behind a bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come 4 exhuberant blondes. They walk up to the bar, order 5 bottles of champagne and 10 glasses, take their order and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped and the chanting grows...."51 days,51 days,51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in "51 days,51 days,51 days!"
Finally, the 10th blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle. Up jump the others, dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days,51 days!"
The bartender walks over to the table. There in the centre is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of Winnie-the-pooh. One of the blondes states "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb but we've set the record straight, on the side of that puzzle box it said 2-4 years and the 10 of us completed it in 51 days!"

2006-11-03 23:41:34 · 13 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

As he looks at it he says, "brothers and sisters i have none but that man's father is my fathers son!" Who is in the picture?

2006-11-03 23:40:54 · 22 answers · asked by jo_g 2

Terminallly ill - sickness at airport
Tibia - country in North Africa
Tumour - an extra pair
Urine - opposite of your out
Varicose - nearby
Vein - conceited

2006-11-03 23:22:20 · 9 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Anally - occuring yearly
Artery - study of paintings
Bowel - letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section - district in Rome
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - shhep dog
Coma - a punctuation mark
Congenital - frendly
D&C - where washington is
Diarrhea - journal of daily events
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fester - quicker
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - non-jewish
Hangnail - coat hook
Impotent - distinguished, well known
Intense pain - torture in a teepee
Labour pain - got hurt at work
Medical staff - doctor's cane
Morbid - higher offer
Nitrate - cheaper than day rate
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - person who had fainted
Pap smear - fatherhood test
Pelvis - cousin of Elvis
Post operative - letter carrier
Protein - favouring young people
Rectum - damn near killed em
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - amourous
Scar - rolled tobacco leaf
Seizure - roman emperor
Serology - study of knighthood
Terminal illness - sick at

2006-11-03 23:19:45 · 12 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind Him "My Elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and "pleasured himself" into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.....

2006-11-03 22:30:54 · 8 answers · asked by flicflac 3

You know, the joke about the retired guy at Wal-Mart:

Went into a fitting room, shut the door
waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There
is no toilet paper in here!"

I know someone who claims they really did this. I don't know if I believe he did it or not, he may just know this joke.

2006-11-03 22:23:33 · 9 answers · asked by Jaedyn=God has heard 2

I just had the ol jehovas witness knock on the door , he said would you have a few moments to spare to talk about god an all that stuff , i said yes mate come in , let me take your coat , sit down , would you like a cuppa tea and a piece of cake , he said yes so we did all that , then i said what happens now , he said , f*cked if i know mate i'v never got this far before !

2006-11-03 22:11:53 · 14 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7

the Bethlehem job centre to see three men with parcels standing outside his front door. As he goes in Mary shouts any luck dear?. Don't give me that "dear" bulls**t he says, here we are with bleedin baby and Christ knows who the father is, there's no f**king work to be had anywhere at this time of year and there's three blokes outside with stuff from the f**king catalog.

2006-11-03 22:00:52 · 8 answers · asked by Shredder 6

... and others:

How did the kid get a flat nose?

2006-11-03 21:57:14 · 15 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

"air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fvck up!

2006-11-03 21:48:44 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the biggest problem a farmer faces if he has a crop full of vibrators?

Squatters!

2006-11-03 21:29:35 · 10 answers · asked by Jocko 5

a book series and comic about five teenage girls findung magical powers its for five letters

2006-11-03 21:13:47 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

why do people ask a question ,then answer it themselves,then give 10 points to someone who tells them how smart they are?

2006-11-03 21:10:22 · 15 answers · asked by pasky 2

hello what are you here for?. My master is having me put to sleep. Oh dear says the first dog what have you done. Well my master came home last night and I was not feeling to good but all he wanted me to do was play fetch the ball. Anyway I did it three times and then went and got in my bed, when I wouldn't go again he gave me a clout, and like I said I was feeling a bit off so I bit his hand. Thats my story so why are you here?. Well what happened was this, I was walking past the bathroom and my mistress was kneeling over the bath washing her hair. She didn't have a stitch on and I couldn't resist myself. I jumped up put both paws on her shoulders and gave her a real good f***ing. So says the other youv'e come to put to sleep as well have you?. Oh no he winked back I'm having my claws cut.!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-03 20:10:02 · 26 answers · asked by Shredder 6

Where would you have to be tickled to give up the info needed?

2006-11-03 19:58:03 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here's mine
A penguin is driving down the street when his car quits. He calls the nearest town and has it towed.
The mechanic says "Let me look at it. Come back in an hour".
Penguin goes outside and sees an ice cream polor (penguins LOVE ice cream) so he waddles over and spends his hour eating as much as he can. FInally he goes back to the mechanic.
The mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal"
Penguin says "No, that's just ice cream"

2006-11-03 19:53:58 · 9 answers · asked by eddie9551 5

so: a little frog fell into a deep well
the well is 40 meters deep...
the frog can leap 2 meters a time

so, how many leaps does the froggy need to make, in order to get out of the well???

---HELP--- it's not a mathematical puzzle.. but a logical one.

2006-11-03 19:48:26 · 12 answers · asked by mario_rew 2

2006-11-03 19:39:00 · 25 answers · asked by mannit m 4

2006-11-03 19:28:10 · 24 answers · asked by R D 1

They have not flesh, nor feathers, nor scales, nor bone. Yet they have fingers and thumbs of their own. What are they?

2006-11-03 19:23:45 · 16 answers · asked by aufrecht_melcher_grossaspach_05 1