Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-04 05:14:14 · 32 answers · asked by nicky 1

2006-11-04 05:06:19 · 10 answers · asked by thee wojc 2

What gets wetter as it dries, and also drier as it wets ?

2006-11-04 05:05:48 · 23 answers · asked by Bob the Boat 6

Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find “No Trespassing” signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I’ve hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here." The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I’ll make you a deal. We’ve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we’ve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I’ll let you hunt on my property." Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old bastard won’t let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I’m going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM! Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let’s get out of here!!

2006-11-04 05:03:34 · 9 answers · asked by ? 5

A young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.

He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

2006-11-04 05:03:11 · 20 answers · asked by i_love_ponys83 1

In 1947 we made a trip up North to visit Dad's WWII buddy. Kuntz had a place outside of St. Paul Minnesota. Anyway, the day after we got there we went out to the barn to get the horses. Anyway, I walked up to mine. I gave her a pat on the rump to let her know I was crossing round back of her. I got about two steps and she gave me a face full of horse hair. Being stubborn as her, I did mount. We went out on a trail that went from St. Paul to Minniapolis. Evey danged time we stopped and got down, that mare would give me a face full of horse hair, one way or another, it was if she was have a one-horse revolution against me. But, I never quit.

I'll never forget that ride because I've hooked it up to a book title. It's a classic book that has been read by almost every student thats ever gotten to highschool--though some try to cheat by watching the movie. Can you tell me the name of that book?

2006-11-04 05:02:52 · 3 answers · asked by Terry 7

A very handsome and confident man walked in to a bar,and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman,he gives he a quick glance, and looks at his watch...

The woman noticed and said " Is your date running late"

No! he replies, I've just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it"

The woman asks "Why is the watch so special"?

"It uses alpha waves and telepathically talks to me" says the man.

"We'll whats it telling you now? she asks

"Well its says your wearing no panties? the man replied.

The woman giggles and say" It must be broken as I am wearing panties?

The man tap's the face of the watch and explains " Damn thing must be an hour fast"......"

2006-11-04 05:01:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A distraught young woman decides to throw herself into the ocean.

Down at the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears, takes pity on her, and says, "Hey, you’ve got a lot to live for. All you need is a new start. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulders and adds, "I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy." She agrees, and the sailor brings her aboard that night and hides her in a lifeboat. Every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they make passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she is discovered by the ship’s captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asks.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains. "He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s scr$wing me."

"He sure is, lady," says the captain. "This is the Staten Island ferry."

2006-11-04 05:00:33 · 9 answers · asked by ? 5

Did you hear what happen to the midget that walk between the big blondes legs.

He got a fair crack in the mouth!

2006-11-04 04:59:07 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

The ambitious coach of a girls’ track team starts giving his squad steroids. Their performance soars, and they go on to win the county and state championships. The day before the nationals, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler, comes into his office.

“Coach,” she says, “I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.“

“Oh my God!” yells the coach. “Well, how far down does it go?”

“Down to my balls,” she replies, “and that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about…"

2006-11-04 04:55:29 · 7 answers · asked by ? 5

like its like some sort of game i was wondering how u play

2006-11-04 04:29:42 · 7 answers · asked by sarah s 1

My job involves taking photos of people in a nightclub. I need some ideas of funny things to say when taking the photos or looking at the photos after they have been taken.

The people/victims are all slightly drunk and over 18. The 10 points goes to the funnyest.

2006-11-04 04:26:37 · 12 answers · asked by siylc 2

is it cos i is unlucky?
is it cos i got no lecy left in the meter?
is it cos i waz out till 3am the other nite wif just a shirt on?
or is it cos left the landin window ajar the other nite?

2006-11-04 04:03:59 · 20 answers · asked by ady 4

If a man dropped $5,000 with a rubber band around it, and he was running for the bus, the same bus you were going on, by the way, you know you needed it.Would you keep it or return it????????????

2006-11-04 03:30:00 · 19 answers · asked by Matthew W 3

Every person I know seems to have the favorite color of blue! I'm the only one to be different and like RED!

2006-11-04 03:26:08 · 23 answers · asked by allegrasbff 1

A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but
she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

2006-11-04 03:20:50 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

He said...I don't know why you wear a bra. You don't have anything to put in it.
She said...you wear pants, don't you?

2006-11-04 03:03:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-04 02:57:55 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yep, Mad Cow Disease!!!!

2006-11-04 02:46:04 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I don't know why I have asked this question, just wondered that's all.

2006-11-04 02:39:42 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day there was an old lady tryin to get on a bus with her dog. The bus driver says, "Lady, I'm sorry but you cant get on the bus with your dog."

Lady: What do you mean I cant get on the bus with her?

Driver: Just what I said you cant get on the bus with your dog.

Lady: I dont like to be without her. Fifi goes EVERYWHERE I go. EVERYWHERE!

Driver: Well, I'm sorry about that, but you cant get on THE BUS with your DOG!!

Lady: WELL, YOUR A VERY STUPID MAN AND YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR OLD BUS!!

Driver: Yeah?! Well you do the same damn thing with your DOG and you can ride!!!!!!!!!

:o)

2006-11-04 02:37:56 · 24 answers · asked by kiako 3

Mr. Smith and his son were driving down the road when they got into an accident. Mr. Smith dies and the boy was sent to the hospital. When the doctor sees the boy, he says "I can't operate on this boy because his my son." How can this happen?

2006-11-04 02:34:36 · 23 answers · asked by Cannibal 4

2006-11-04 02:30:27 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-04 02:27:44 · 34 answers · asked by dan T 3

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way,my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend?

She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate.

She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house.

I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

2006-11-04 02:21:36 · 8 answers · asked by guys kicker 1

A husband and wife were having a flaming argument about their money problems.
"If it wasn't for my money, that Porsche and that swimming pool wouldn't be here."
She retorted, "If it wasn't for the money, I wouldn't be here!"
---------------
"Hello Josie, you look preocupied this morning," remarked her friend.
"I am a bit," she replied. "This morning my boyfriend lost all his money on the stock market."
"How awful! You must feel sorry for him."
"I am. I'm just wondering how he will cope without me." :)
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What do a man and the tax office have in common?
They're both impossible to get through to when you want to talk.
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How do you impress a woman?
Flatter her, protect her, help her, listen to her hopes and dreams, buy her presents, take her out and wine and dine her support and love her.
How do you impress a man?
Turn up naked, bring beer!
-------------
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he's far too old to do it.

2006-11-04 02:18:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

What job did this woman do and how did she die?

2006-11-04 01:40:26 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-04 01:33:54 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why he had one brother but his sister had two.

2006-11-04 01:22:37 · 9 answers · asked by Shredder 6

One day a father and his son were walking and got hit by a semi truck. The father passed away and the son needed surgery. The son was soon in the emergency room and was about to have surgery but when the surgeon saw the son the surgon said "I cant do surgery on him he is my son!!"

2006-11-04 01:18:41 · 12 answers · asked by Justine A 2