Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Toms mom has 3 kids one of their names is Penny & another Nickle...

What is the third???

2006-11-03 10:13:19 · 23 answers · asked by jsav209 3

2006-11-03 10:03:23 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

i,d keep it

2006-11-03 09:55:30 · 67 answers · asked by dsw 2

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. >cont

2006-11-03 09:50:11 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A. develop magical powers
B. eat a lizard
C. wander around aimlessly crying

2006-11-03 09:49:06 · 33 answers · asked by lyra 3

The final exam for the college English course is coming to an end.
Everybody but one kid finishes on time. The kid taking only a few extra minutes tries to hand his test in to the professor. The professor pushes the test away and says "I'm not going to accept this paper its late!"
The student smiles and tries to give it to him again.
The professor repeats himself, adding that he's not kidding.
The student then asks the professor "Do you know who I am?"
The professor replies "I don't care who the hell your are i'm not letting you turn this test in."
The student asks again "But do you know who I am?"
The professor admits "No i don't know who your are but, it doesn't matter i'm not taking your test"
The student smiles sticks his test into the stack, shuffles all of the tests, and walks out.

2006-11-03 09:45:48 · 10 answers · asked by ☼Divine Wind☼ 3

Here is my favorite corny one...

A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says
"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my Paw..."

2006-11-03 09:27:37 · 24 answers · asked by Stiletto ♥ 6

An old farmer didn't often get the urge,but when he did,he had to act upon it immediately.One day he was ploughing down in the bottom field,when he felt a mighty erection coming on."Bloody hell!"he shouted, running madly for the house&waving his arms frantically to get the wife's attention.He rushed through the door to find her scrubbing the kitchen floor."Quick quick!"he panted,"get upstairs&strip off while I've still got the urge."Sadly by the time she did as he wished,the moment had passed&he was still unable to perform."Now Martha!"he said forceably,"don't hang around next time.When you see me rushing home,get upstairs immediately."A few weeks passed&one afternoon,as the wife looked out of the window,she caught sight of her husband rushing towards the house waving frantically. Straight away she ran upstairs, stripped off&got into bed. "Martha Martha!"he called "where are you?"
"I'm up here,"she replied "waiting for you."
"Well get down here!"he yelled, "the bloody barn's on fire

2006-11-03 09:24:07 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

michael jackson would pay $1 million.

2006-11-03 09:22:36 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

and you would have to stay there forever?
only 5 things are allowed to be taken?

2006-11-03 09:15:36 · 25 answers · asked by Adonia 1

a scottish,english,irish man are sitting on a bridge moaning about wot was on their sandwiches,english man had ham the scots man had cheese the irish man had jam, and the scots man said if we have the same filling the morra we will toss our selves off this bridge, they all agreed so the next day they all had the same filling and they threw themselves off. so the wives were all gathered at the funeral very upset saying " i can't believe they killed themselves over their sandwiches" and the irish widow said i know, its not that he made his own sandwishes in the morning

2006-11-03 09:15:07 · 20 answers · asked by Katie D 2

2006-11-03 09:09:12 · 21 answers · asked by mannit m 4

Both circle uranus looking for klingons

2006-11-03 09:02:27 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

texas deputy VS. new york lawyer--- only in texas!!!A lawyer runs a stop sigh and gets pulled over by a sherif

Deputy says," license and registration please"
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy "you didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
lawyer "I slowed down and no one was coming"
Deputy" You still didn't come to a complete stop. license and registration, please.
lawyer' "what'sthe differance"?
deputy" the differance is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. license and registration please"!
lawyer" If you can show me the legal difference between slowing down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go on my way, and don't give me the ticket."
deputy says:"that sounds fair, exit you're vehicle, sir.
at this point, the deputy takes out his night stick and starts beating the ever lovin crud out of the lawyer and says;
"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?

2006-11-03 09:00:36 · 27 answers · asked by cuteblacklabs 2

2006-11-03 08:59:37 · 21 answers · asked by drz9kid 2

2006-11-03 08:57:49 · 20 answers · asked by love is blind 1

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

From my Tumour Humour Family Forum for those who want to know the source of this stuff Your answers make me laugh

2006-11-03 08:44:41 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you Doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied,
"Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,
Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

2006-11-03 08:40:09 · 16 answers · asked by Trina T 2

Because it rhymes with bank manager

2006-11-03 08:39:10 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Most fright noon!" the Brain Tree replied.

"What does that mean?" you asked.

"Most fright noon!" the Brain Tree repeated. "If I told you what it means, this wouldn't be a Lenny Conundrum!"

"Can you give me a hint?" you asked.

"Hidden in the phrase 'Most fright noon' is something that will be coming soon."

What is the Brain Tree trying to say is coming?

2006-11-03 08:30:06 · 5 answers · asked by TERESSA L 1

etective Dolan wondered how he let himself get talked into this? He, of all people, organizing a high school reunion. Things had gone haywire from the very start. Reservations were misplaced, the reception room was too small, and the dinner menu was mysteriously changed from grilled salmon to tuna. The resort conspired against him as well. Guests had long walks due to the resurfacing of the asphalt drive at the entrance, and the water main had ruptured at 6:00 P.M., temporarily shutting off the water.

Then there was the murder!

It happened at about 7:15 P.M. A high-pitched scream reverberated through the crowded reception hall. Dolan was standing beside the doorway talking to an old girlfriend when Maddy Rich burst through a pair of doors.

"Rolly is dead!" she cried. Then she collapsed.

"You take care of Maddy," Dolan told his old friend. "I'll check on Rolly."

Dolan rushed into the atrium, a flowery showplace with waterfalls and fountains enclosed in a massive glass structure. He followed the stone path until he found Rolly, lying crossways, his head in a bed of geraniums. No question he was dead. A cursory examination revealed that he had been hit in the back of the head. Nearby was a piece of decorative brown sandstone about the size of a volleyball, covered with blood.

Carefully lifting the stone, Dolan inspected then replaced it. He took out a handkerchief, wiped the sand from his hands, then surveyed the surrounding area. Along the path, he noticed small black circles, each circle containing a circular swirl pattern. The circles were approximately an inch-and-a-half in diameter and spaced roughly two feet apart.

"I am shocked," the concierge said, when informed of the death. "A murder at our resort. How can I help, detective?"

"Guests have to use their key cards in order to enter the atrium. Can you get me a list of all the people who entered within the past hour?"

"The atrium was closed until the water main was repaired. It's only been open 15 minutes." The concierge tapped a few keys in his computer and came up with three room numbers, including the victim's.

Billy Cragg was immediately on the defensive. "Sure I was in the atrium," he replied. "Why are you picking on me?"

"I'm not picking on you," Dolan assured him.

"Everybody picks on me. You remember how it was in high school. Girls laughed because I worked at a gas station and had grease under my fingernails."

"How did Rolly treat you?"

"The same way that jerk treated everybody. Now that he's rich I imagine he's even worse."

"Why were you in the atrium?"

"I felt out of place around all these people in their thousand dollar suits. I wanted to be alone, just me and my cowboy boots. I was sitting next to the fountain drinking a brew, feeling sorry for myself."

"Did you see or hear anything?"

"No, the splashing water was too loud."

Dolan asked to see the bottom of his boots and Billy obliged. The heels were small, almost square, and held no trace of black residue. The men shook hands and Dolan moved on.

The second room on the list belonged to Jack Biggs, former football star. Dolan saw him at a nearby table and walked over. "How've you been, Jack?" he asked as they shook hands.

"Been fine," Jack answered. "Except for this bum knee. I hurt it in college, and it gets worse every year. Can't get around at all without this blasted walking cane, and not very far then."

Dolan wiped his hands on his trousers and realized that it probably made him look nervous. "I gotta ask you some questions, Jack. What were you doing in the atrium?"

"What do you mean?"

"You were in there about the time it happened. If I remember correctly, you and Maddy Rich dated in high school."

"Yeah, until Rolly stepped in. We were going to be married after college. I had that football scholarship you know?"

"I know."

"Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to move my vehicle. Seems the management objects to it being parked at the entrance, even though I am disabled."

"One more thing. Can I see the bottom of your cane?"

Jack shrugged and lifted his cane. The straight wooden shaft ended a flat wooden end. No black stain.

"Thanks," Dolan said and watched the ex-athlete limp away.

Finally, he walked over to where Maddy Rich was resting and gently took her hands.

"Maddy, I have to ask you a few questions. Tell me what happened."

She wiped at her eyes. "Rolly and I were arguing about everything lately. It didn't matter what. Tonight we called a truce and went for a stroll in the atrium. That's when he told me. Rolly was going to file for divorce as soon as we returned to Dallas."

"Why? Another woman maybe?"

"He didn't say."

"What did you do?"

"I slapped him and walked away. I was still in the atrium, as far away as I could get. I was crying. And then I heard a noise, like something falling. When I went back, I found him."

"Can I see the bottom of your shoes, Maddy? Just routine."

Dolan inspected the round heels. They were about the right size and scuffed, but free of any black marks. He thanked her, then walked over to an empty table to review his notes.

Dolan's old girlfriend joined him. "It couldn't have been one of our classmates?" It was a statement, but phrased as a question. "One of us a killer?"

Dolan shook his head. "I strongly suspect so. And I think I know who."

2006-11-03 08:29:05 · 15 answers · asked by Smo 4

back in the 16th century the lord of the north was going away but he knew his wife would cheat with everyman that worked for him.so he decided he would place a razor inside his wife vagina so he could tell which of his staff have had their wickedway with his wife, he returned from his trip 4 weeks later and summoned all of his staff to the kitchen, he then told tham what he had done and would now check and anyone that had been with his wife he would fire. the first man dropped his pants and his willeh fell on the floor, "your fired " he said followed by the second and third and fouth , he came to his 21st servant and his dropped his pants and his willeh also fell on the floor, 21 out of 21 had been with his wife and he had just one more servant left, drop your pants young man, his willeh stayed intact, the man couldnt believe it " you arethe only one to stay loyal to me, for this i shall reward you
the little man smiled and opened mouth his to say but his tongue fell out

2006-11-03 08:19:24 · 13 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

2006-11-03 08:14:24 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

haired him back andnow he's playing god, he stated he will poision the food and make people sick he also stated that paul will pay.the health dept.of san angelo, tx. need to recheck him for spreading / his name is Ronald Whitmore looks like we are all going to die with this cook. how do you stop him i also seen this same man takeing chicken out the back door undone as well as cooked. than going to sale it on the streets for drugs is there anyone there to help with this .

2006-11-03 08:02:58 · 5 answers · asked by jynona d 1

funny question.

2006-11-03 07:57:33 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man walks into a sex shop and asks to buy a condom
the man behind the counter says " what would sir desire?"
the man replies " i want the best you have to offer"
so the shopkeeper says " ok we have the latest in design it is so smooth you dont know your wearing it and you can use it time and time again and to top the lot it plays music from a selection of 100 songs and all for £200" wow said the man i will take it.
the shopkeeper says " and would sir like to try it out as all our condoms have a free tester"
yes please said the man and out of the back room appeared a stunning woman with long blonde hair gorgeous figure and and the face of an angel. she takes the man by the hand and leads him into the back room

2006-11-03 07:51:56 · 9 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

kissing your grandmother and she slips you the tongue. Or your sitting on your grandfathers knee and he pops a *****. Or your little brother has lost his scab collection and your eating cornflakes Or finding a string in your bloody mary

2006-11-03 07:33:49 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

I KNOW, I KNOW…THESE ARE FRIGHTFULLY BAD!

What do you get if you cross a ghost and Bambi?
Bamboo

What do you call a witch that loves the beach?
A sand witch

What do you get if you cross Dracula and a snowman?
Frostbite

What happened to the guy who didn't pay the exorcist?
He got repossessed

What do you call a ghoul with a broken leg?
A hoblin' goblin

Which monster loves dance music?
The boogieman

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a
jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.

And did you hear about the ghost photographer?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

Jack O' Lantern:
An Irish pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper:
What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.

Pumpkin Patch:
What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Witch:
See "Mother-in-Law."

Zombie:
What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.

It was a graveyard romance. Boy meets ghoul.

2006-11-03 07:32:37 · 12 answers · asked by Fat Bastard 2

a female vampire walks into a bar and asks for a pint of blood
the barman replies sorry we dont serve blood here
so she asks for a pint of hot water
then she goes to the toilet and come back with her used tampon dips it in her water and says ever heard of teabags?

2006-11-03 07:29:02 · 26 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

a ghost walks into a bar the barman says sorry we dont serve spirits

a brainwalks into a bar the barman says i wont serve you your out of your head

a tomato walks into a bar the barman says sorry we dont serve food

the police catch 2 boys down the road one with fireworks and one with a battery
they charged one and let the other one off

whats pink and hard ?
a pig with a hammer

a man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder
the barman asks how long have you had that stupid thing there?
the parrot replied 3 months

whats the differance between a politician and a cod?
ones slimy and stinks of fish and the other is a fish

if you have a 15 foot gorilla in your house where does it sleep?
anywhere it bloody well wants to

why cant cars play football?
they have only one boot

2006-11-03 07:28:13 · 9 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3