Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Answer: cause the man was the test before the actual piece of art.

2006-11-03 03:46:27 · 26 answers · asked by KT 3

Normally that's not a problem. But this particular night I heard this strange clapping sound. I couldn't figure it out.

I got a second chance when, to my dismay, The instructor got ticked off because we didn't count loud enough. So as I began counting for a second time, "One! Two," I remembered...I was wearing thong underwear. What I heard was the sound of my flabby behind.

It sounded like two Virginia Hams applauding me.

If karate has taught me anything, it's:
*One- Never wear thong underwear to class.
*Two- Granny panties and tighty whities are good for something.
*Three- a jiggly butt doing jumping jacks is louder than five screaming martial artists.

You can't make this sort of stuff up.

2006-11-03 03:40:30 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a jungle, two males - a mouse and a monkey - were vying with each other to get an opportunity to have intercourse with a female elephant! One day, when the she-elephant was munching the leaves of a coconut tree, the monkey was watching it with a gaze whereas the mouse was chirping around the elephant's hind leg. Quite annoyed, the elephant asked the mouse what exactly it wanted and the mouse also expressed its desire. The elephant agreed and lifted the mouse to reach its rear. The envious monkey plucked a coconut and threw it towards the mouse. By the time the mouse inserted its dick, the coconut by misaim, landed on the head of the elephant. "Ouch", cried the elephant. Unaware of what was happening around, the mouse naively enquired the elephant: "Is it painful?"!

2006-11-03 03:39:44 · 26 answers · asked by Hobby 5

and what was your answer (if you answered it?)
I thought one of the best was
Title: My girlfriends skid marks are becoming a real problem............... More Info: how can I tell her to stop making them with the car?
Or something like that. Had me in hysterics

2006-11-03 03:38:33 · 15 answers · asked by Georgie 5

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. 'Goodness,' says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, 'Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.'

The man says, 'I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,' and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, 'Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.'

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, 'I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?'

The golfer says, 'It's great! I hit under par every time.'

The leprechaun says, 'I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?'

The golfer says, 'Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note.'

The leprechaun smiles and says, 'I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?'

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, 'Well, maybe once or twice a week.'

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, 'Once or twice a week?!'

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, 'Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

2006-11-03 03:33:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your Mom.

2006-11-03 02:46:23 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do you tell that you have a high sperm count

Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows

2006-11-03 02:42:26 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bumper stickers: "Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot." "The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!" "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" "I took an IQ test and the results were negative." "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?" "Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students!" "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." "3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."

2006-11-03 02:37:00 · 23 answers · asked by mistahfantastic 2

Q: What's small brown and warm and found in the back of little boys underwear?
A: Michael Jackson's Hand!

2006-11-03 02:31:52 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-03 02:31:09 · 11 answers · asked by notme 2

2006-11-03 02:28:54 · 17 answers · asked by Isabelle 3

Did you hear about the award-winning scarecrow?
He was outstanding in his field!

2006-11-03 02:26:54 · 31 answers · asked by stevethekangaroo 2

When I was a young'un my Dad would take me to cattle auctions. Once, while I was wandering around, I found a monarch's issue out back of the arena. Dad was inside because he wanted to buy a Bull. When I went and showed him what I had found he had me take it up to the auctioners, so it could be returned to its owner.

2006-11-03 02:09:13 · 11 answers · asked by Terry 7

It went down the road and turned into a field!
Da Daa!

2006-11-03 02:07:15 · 20 answers · asked by stevethekangaroo 2

2006-11-03 02:00:08 · 16 answers · asked by Jenelia 2

I am on a roll with these questions

2006-11-03 01:53:12 · 14 answers · asked by Rock_Fozzy 1

there's a dumb blonde, a smart blonde and santa they all jump off a bridge who lands first?

2006-11-03 01:48:55 · 22 answers · asked by ♥ ♥i'm all smiles♥ ♥ 3

his mate coming the other way sees him. OK pal what's the matter with you?
He replies I have S**t myself. Oh says his mate in that case you should be walking like this. He demonstrates by walking along and shaking each leg as he goes. His pal says I will when Iv'e finished!!!!!!

2006-11-03 01:47:07 · 28 answers · asked by Shredder 6

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

2006-11-03 01:43:32 · 54 answers · asked by Johno 5

I will set up the liquor in the front of the house, and the poker tables in the rear of the house. What does everyone think of this?

2006-11-03 01:29:59 · 10 answers · asked by stevieeee12000 2

Come on give some to make my day.

2006-11-03 01:25:25 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know it's terrible but betcha tell someone else later!

2006-11-03 01:19:29 · 10 answers · asked by stevethekangaroo 2

What do all these things have in common, a wizard,fire breathing dragon,a elf,a roach smarter than any one,and,a smart blonde?

2006-11-03 00:59:42 · 8 answers · asked by Mr X 4

>>
> WHY I'M KNACKERED
>
> Yes, I'm knackered. For several years I've been blaming it on middle age,
> poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting,
> under arm odour, yellow wax build-up and another dozen maladies that make
> you wonder if life is really worth living.
>
> I'm knackered because I'm overworked.
>
> The population of this country is 51 million.
>
> 21 million are retired.
>
> That leaves 30 million to do the work.
>
> There are 19 million at school.
>
> That leaves 11 million to do the work.
>
> 2 million are unemployed and 4 million are employed by the government
> to look after us.
>
> That leaves 5 million to do the work.
>
> One million are in the armed forces, which leaves 4 million to do the
> work.
>
> 3 million are employed by County and Borough Councils to help the
> government to look after us.
>
> That leaves one million to do the work.
>
> There are 620,000 people in hospital and 379,998 in prisons.
>
> Which leaves 2 people to do the work.
>
> You and me.
>
> And you are sitting on your **** reading this.

2006-11-03 00:38:43 · 18 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

A guy goes to a music publisher, says, "I've written a song but no one will publish it." Publisher says play it for me. Guy sits at piano and begins to play. The publisher is overwhelmed! The song makes him cry, laugh, feel in love, feel joyous, etc. Takes him through every conceivable emotional state. When it is over it takes him 10 minutes to even speak. He says, "I can't believe no one will publish your song. It is going to stun the world. It is beautiful, the best piece of music ever written. Do you have a name for it?"

Yes, I do. I call it: I love you so much I can't sh!t.

2006-11-03 00:11:26 · 7 answers · asked by abbeyroad54321 3

I have a racist joke, and I want to know if I should tell it here. Give me a Yes or No and the most votes wins.

2006-11-02 23:48:38 · 17 answers · asked by draftboyg 4

ODE TAE A FART

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There starts to stir an enormous wind

The neeps an tatties and mushy peas
Start working like a gentle breeze
But soon the pudding wi the sauncie face
Will have ye blawin all ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A’body’s gonna hae tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It’s like a bullet oot a rifle.

Hawed yer bum tight tae the chair
Tae try an stop the leakin air
Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae God it disnae leak

But awe yer efforts go asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me! A sonic boom!

God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope ah huvne **** ma breeks
Tae the bog ah better scurry
Aw, whit the hell, it’s no ma worry

A’body roon aboot me choking
Wan or twa are nearly bokin
I’ll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile

Wis him! I shout with accusing glower
Alas! Too late he’just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
Ah feel welcome nae mair

Were e’re ye go, let yer wind gang free
Sounds like just the job for me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie’s party
Ower the sake o wan wee farty!

R.S. Burns
Its Fast

2006-11-02 23:20:43 · 11 answers · asked by zorroorojo 3

British

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer,

then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on
the
way to

sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.

2006-11-02 23:13:59 · 17 answers · asked by zorroorojo 3

He sits at the bar and orders a drink, and sits in silence, with a fixed evil glare in his eyes, after several more he gets up and without a word walks outside to his horse. A minute later he walks back into the bar, looks around at those sat inside ' Whoever stole my horse had better bring it back or I'll have to do what I did in El Paso, and I don't want to do what I did in El Paso' , silence swept around the bar. He says it again ' Whoever stole my horse had better bring it back or I'll have to do what I did in El Paso, and I don't want to do what I did in El Paso' . Still silence... a quiet voice breaks out at the back of the bar. 'What did you do in El Paso?' The stranger looks over with a glare ' I had to bleedin' walk home didn't I '

I can hear the groans already!!!

2006-11-02 23:07:12 · 26 answers · asked by Yokay Booboo 3

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came...
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in
mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
It's a period," reported Johnnie.
Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
Damned if I know", said Johnnie, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself.

2006-11-02 23:02:38 · 32 answers · asked by Pd 6