silly jokes add your own?

Question

a ghost walks into a bar the barman says sorry we dont serve spirits

a brainwalks into a bar the barman says i wont serve you your out of your head

a tomato walks into a bar the barman says sorry we dont serve food

the police catch 2 boys down the road one with fireworks and one with a battery
they charged one and let the other one off

whats pink and hard ?
a pig with a hammer

a man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder
the barman asks how long have you had that stupid thing there?
the parrot replied 3 months

whats the differance between a politician and a cod?
ones slimy and stinks of fish and the other is a fish

if you have a 15 foot gorilla in your house where does it sleep?
anywhere it bloody well wants to

why cant cars play football?
they have only one boot

Answer 1

This guy is sitting outside on his lawn when he sees his blonde neighbor walk outside and check her mailbox. With a confused look on her face, she walks back inside. Five minutes later, the blonde walks outside again to check her mailbox. Seeing that there is nothing in it, she walks back inside her house. Another five minutes later, the blonde comes back outside to check her mailbox. After watching the blonde check her mailbox 3 times in a row, the guy is pretty curious. When she starts to walk back inside again, he asks, "What are you doing?"
She says, "My computer keeps telling me that I've got mail."

There were three women, a brunette, a red head, and a blonde who were trying to break the world record for fastest time to swim across the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. The brunette shows up on the other side 48 hours later. "Congratulations!" everyone shouts. 2 hours after the brunette shows up, the red head appears. "Good try" everyone shouts to her. Two weeks later, the blonde shows up. When everyone asked her what happened, she replied, "I don't mean to sound like a poor sport, but I think the other two women were using their arms."

In Las Vegas there's a nightclub that has a very special mirror in the ladies room. When you stand in front of this mirror and tell a lie the mirror swallows you.
A rather ugly woman stands in front of the mirror and says: '' I think I am the most beautiful woman in the whole world!''
SHUM! The mirror swallows her
Then a fat woman stands in front of it and says:’ I think I am the sexiest woman on earth!''
SHUM! The mirror swallows her.
Afterwards a very good looking-sexy blonde stands in front of the mirror and says:
''I think.''
SHUM!


Your mom's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion.

Your mom's so fat, when she dances the band skips.

Your mother's so fat; her clothes have stretch marks.

Your mother's so fat; she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.

Your mother's so fat; you could slap her butt and ride the waves.
Your mom's so fat, I have to take a bus a train and a cab just to get on her good side.


Your mother's so fat; she needs a hula-hoop to keep her socks up.

Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Your mother's so fat, when they used her underwear for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.

Your mother's so fat; when she goes to a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, "OK"!


Your mom's so fat; when she turns around they throw her a welcome back party.

Your mom's so fat when she took her dress to the cleaners they told her, "Sorry, we don't do curtains."

Your mom's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of franks.

Your mom's so big; when the family wants to watch home movies they ask her to wear white

Your mothers so fat, people jog around her for exercise.

Answer 2

two mates are walking their dogs and one of them sugests going for a pint, the other goes "but the pub dnt allow dogs!". the other man replies dont worry follow my lead! the first man walks in and the barman goes sorry no dogs nd the man replies, but this is my guide dog, so the barman allows his dog in, then the nextt man goes in and the barman repates, sorry no dogs allowed, so the second man replies but this is my guide dog, to which the barman replies, very funny sir but they dont have chiwowas (however its spelt) as guide dogs, the man then shouts, WHAT THEY GAVE ME A CHIWOWA!!!!!!

a man walks into a posh expensive resturant/pub, he walks up to the bar and orders the most expensive pint, the barman goes "certainly! thats a penny!" the man looking confused pays the barman. he then looks at the menu and orders the most expensie fillet of steak, the barman replies "centainly! thats for pence!" the man now angry says "hold on!!! now then what going on? i want to speak to your manager! where is he?" the barman replies "he is upstairs doing the same thing to my wife as i am to his business!"

Answer 3

Two oranges go into a bar, one says to the other 'Your Round'

Answer 4

What did the vampire say after he sucked the blood of an eskimo?

AAAHHH Brainfreeze!

Answer 5

Two snowmen in a field. One says to the other - can you smell carrots?

Answer 6

A man walks into a bar....ouch!

Answer 7

a ghost gos in the bar; booo

Answer 8

Oh so corny, come on Ploppy Pants, you can do better than that..

Answer 9

they were ok...