Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-05 00:17:54 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

When liquid splashes me, none seeps through. When I am moved a lot, liquid I spew. When I am hit, color I change. And color, I come in quite a range. What I cover is very complex, and I am very easy to flex.

2006-11-05 00:07:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

2006-11-04 23:35:13 · 12 answers · asked by ? 5

An Amish man wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take some jewelry to city and sell it," said the Amish man.

"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

"Don't know what collateral means."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"I don't know; it has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the Amish man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put it in my pocket."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.

"I don't know what deposit means."

"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The Amish man leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"

2006-11-04 23:33:54 · 9 answers · asked by ? 5

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

2006-11-04 23:31:50 · 7 answers · asked by ? 5

Dear Stanely
Beg your pardon my good fellow, but isn't that a bit presumptuous of you ?

your always
Livingstone.

2006-11-04 22:38:35 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

a little girl comes home from school one day and says: 'mom, somebody at school told me how babies are made today.'
intruiged, the mother say's 'go on' and the girl says, 'well, the mommy and daddy take off all their clothes and the daddy's thingy grows and the mommy put's it in her mouth and it sort of explodes. and thats how you get babies.'
her mother then say's 'aww darling that is really sweet, but that's not how you get babies, that's how you get jewellery.

2006-11-04 22:37:35 · 15 answers · asked by Kelly 5

This women was in her house, and was getting ready to take a bath , so she took of her clothes went into the bath ,

suddenly, the door bell rang

she goes who could that be , so she went down open the door and it was the postman, she took the post , ran back upstairs , took off her clothes then went into the bath,

suddenly the door bell rang again

, she put back her clothes on , went down stairs opened the door , and it was the milkman, then she took the milk went back up stairs took off her clothes, went into the bath and said finally, when all of a

sudden the door bell rang again,

this time she looks out the window and sees the blind man from next door, so she says well why should I put my clothes back on again, hes blind he cant see me, so went down the stairs naked and opened the door, to see it was the blind man from next door ,she says yes, the blind man goes , guess what, she goes what,

bind man says , I've just recovered my eyes

2006-11-04 22:28:43 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are two muffins in a oven

One of the muffins say "Jeez, it is really hot in here?



The other muffin said "Holy S**t a talking muffin"

2006-11-04 22:08:03 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

OK - so the vicious individual who is reporting my jokes as 'not questions or answers' and 'adult content' and causing Yahoo to send me violation notices [6 now] BE VERY AFRAID - my shelf life isn't very long and nobody knows what happens afterwards! To Yahoo - please note the identity of the individuals who are behaving like juveniles and spoiling Q&A. You will be able to tell when this post is reported for violation because it contains 'adult' content!

2006-11-04 22:04:25 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

the Mother rings the bell and this very serious looking priest answers the door. Well well well who have we got here says the priest. this is Johnny says his mother and this is his first day. The priest starts to tell the little boy about the strict rules of conduct and the repricussions if the rules are broken. as he was talking the little boy looked around and say a hugh Crucifix on the wall in the hallway and a man nailed to it. With fear on his face he asked his mother , What rule did he break to get nailed to a cross

2006-11-04 21:52:31 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three sisters got married on the same day. Later in the evening, before getting into their respective room, the sisters got into an agreement to inform others in the morning about the success of their wedding night. The code was "Good morning" to mean "Yes, it was done". Next day morning, the eldest sister came out of the bed room and greeted: "Good Morning". The second sister was more jubliant and said: "Good Morning, good morning". Then the youngest sister wished them all: "Good Morning, good morning, till morning good morning"!

2006-11-04 21:44:39 · 20 answers · asked by Hobby 5

A really attractive blond is in a bar, but no-one seems to be speaking to her. One guy, seems to think his luck is in and starts to speak to her. Everything is going well for him and so he eventually plucks up the courage to ask her back to his place. She readily agrees. They go back and do everything which they must and he's quite content, so they both fall asleep.
Next morning they wake up and she says.
'can i ask a question?'
he replies 'sure'
'you don't have AIDS do you?'
No, he firmly replies
'Phew', she says ' I don't want to catch that again

2006-11-04 21:19:08 · 25 answers · asked by skorpi_ru 2

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names ...and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man -- still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.
"Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was trembling .. and barely audible ... when he asked, "Which service? ... the 8:30 .... or the 11:00?"

2006-11-04 20:59:40 · 11 answers · asked by Pd 6

There was A beautiful young blonde who arrived at a soda machine just before a buisness man coming to quench his thirst.The blonde opened her purse & took out 50 cnts.studied the machine a little pushed a diet coke button & out came her soda.She set it on a counter next to the machine.Next she took $1
& put it in the machine carefully then pushed original coke & out came a original coke & 50 cnts. change.She immediately took the 50 cnts. &put it in & pushed mountain dew &out came A mello yello.As she reached into her purse again the buisness man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
"Excuse me Ms.but are you done yet?"She looked at him & indignantly replied" Well duhhh!,I'm still winning."

2006-11-04 20:54:45 · 15 answers · asked by Daddy's Girl 2

3 women escaped from prison.One is redhead,is brunette & one is b londe.They ran until they came upon an old barn where they decided to stop & rest in the hayloft.When they got up there they saw 3 gunnysacks & decided to use them to sleep in.

About 1 hr.later the sheriff & his deputy came by the barn.The sheriff told his deputy to go see what was in the hayloft.When he got up there the sheriff asked what he saw."Just 3 gunnysacks."The sheriff told the deputy to see what was in them .So the deputy kicked the 1st sack which had the redhead in it & she said "meow" So the deputy told the sheriff it was A cat.
So then he kicked the 2nd sack which had the brunette in it & she said "bow-wow".So he told the sheriff it was A dog.Then he kicked the 3rd sack which had the blonde in it at first she didn't say anything so he kicked it again & finally the blonde said"potatoes"

2006-11-04 20:06:44 · 23 answers · asked by Daddy's Girl 2

A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation." "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?" The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle" "Is your uncle an electrician?" "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"

2006-11-04 19:38:34 · 18 answers · asked by anitha 4

2 rednecks, Clem and Billy-Jim, are out walking their dog at night. Then, the dog runs off randomly. The 2 rednecks pull out their flashlights and begin looking for the dog.

Soon, they find the dog, but discover that he had made his way to the other side of a river. The rednecks didn't want to get wet, but they needed to get to their dog. They sat and pondered a moment, then Clem said,

"Billy-Jim, I dun gots me an idear! Ima shine my flashlight across the river, and then you can walk over on the beam of light!"

Billy-Jim replied, "Clem, do yall really think I'm that stupid? You're just gonna turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway across!"


So, what does the viewing public think?

2006-11-04 19:37:15 · 12 answers · asked by Canadian Bacon 3

There were three hunters a smart one, an average one, and a dumb one

The smart one comes back with a buck and they ask "How'd you do it" he said "well i went out followed the tracks and shot myself a buck

The average one came back with a deer and they ask "how'd you do it?" "well i went out followed the tracks and shot myself a deer"


The dumb one came back in a full body cast and a wheelchair and they ask "What happend?" "I just came back from the hospital" then they ask again "What happend?" "well i went out followed the tracks and got hit by a train"

2006-11-04 19:03:01 · 23 answers · asked by mythbuster4 2

what is the minimal number of balls one must remove from the box blind folded in order for there to be 8 balls of the same color?

correct answer with explenation gets 10 points

2006-11-04 18:45:38 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

2006-11-04 17:52:35 · 9 answers · asked by ? 5

Aunt!

You lot have such dirty minds :)

2006-11-04 17:48:42 · 23 answers · asked by Smo 4

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

Why was the clock in prison?
A: It was just doing time!

Heheh. And here is today's riddle:

Why couldn't anyone play cards on the ark?

Have fun! :)

2006-11-04 17:48:22 · 9 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Be funny.. it's only a joke.
Get this right and you'll get my two cents worth.

2006-11-04 17:36:53 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this French man who came to America to learn how to speak English. So he has this pretty tutor. And she's like, "Okay, you are here to speak English, but first find 3 words for us to start with. Meet me back here in 1 hour." And so the French man sets off. He goes to the NASA and there is a countdown. 3-2-1 TAKEOFF! "That shall be my 1st word." thought the French man.
He had thirty minutes until he would re-unite with his tutor.
"I need to hurry!" So he stopped at a local zoo.
He asked a man what that striped thing was and the man said it was a zebra. "Zebra shall be my 3rd word!"
He goes to a mother with a little baby and he points to the baby asking what was the word for it. "Why that is a baby!" The mother replies."Baby? That will be my 3rd word! I shall re-unite with my tutor at once!
So he went back and the pretty tutor asked him, "Well, what are your three words?" she asked.
The French man proudly declared,
"TAKEOFF ZE-BRA BABY!" Then he got a slap in the face!!

2006-11-04 17:34:48 · 17 answers · asked by ?I AM LISA! HEAR ME RAWRZ 1

People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.
The restrooms are outside.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
When it rains, everyone is smiling.
Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.
The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".
The pastor wears boots.
Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
Baptism is referred to as "branding".
There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.
People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
ya'll come back now ya HEAR!!!

2006-11-04 17:22:27 · 5 answers · asked by ? 5

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min

2006-11-04 17:08:33 · 4 answers · asked by ? 5

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

2006-11-04 17:07:50 · 3 answers · asked by ? 5

A young man walked into the bar and had a seat at the pub. He simply orders a water. The bartender looks at him and pulls out a shotgun and points it at him. Why did the bartender behave this way?

2006-11-04 17:06:42 · 6 answers · asked by aufrecht_melcher_grossaspach_05 1

A mentally deranged spinster was given treatment in a hospital. Every man appeared to be a rapist to her. After several treatment, she was cured. However, after recovery from this phobia, she started complaing that somebody was hiding below her cot. Any amount of medicine nor counselling could help her. So the doctors had a consultation among themselves and came to the conclusion that only the carpenter in the hospital who is a stud could help her overcome this problem. They sent for him. He was told about the task. He also agreed. He was sent inside the woman's room and the door was locked. After his entry, the doctors could hear her screaming and shouting at him:"You idiotic stud, you can't do this to me". There were rattling sound of the cot and the screamings of the woman. Finally there was the thudding sound of the cot followed by a bewildering silence. The door opened and the carpenter came out with heavy sweating. "The job is done";he showed the sawed legs of the cot to doctors!

2006-11-04 16:58:27 · 7 answers · asked by Hobby 5