Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

The young daughter was passing her parents' bedroom one night when she saw them engaged in some passionate lovemaking. The following morning she asked her father what they had been doing.

"Oh nothing to worry about," replied Dad. "Your mum was having a fit and I was holding her down."

The following week, when Dad came home from work the little girl ran to him and said.....

"Oh Daddy, I'm so glad you're back. Mummy had another one of those fits today and the next door neighbour had to hold her down."

2006-11-05 09:53:52 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-05 09:53:22 · 12 answers · asked by gonzooon 2

what can walk but not run

2006-11-05 09:49:35 · 11 answers · asked by alyssa s 1

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.

The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

2006-11-05 09:45:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

the first rite answer will be chosen as best
what can run but not walk(2 possible answers)

2006-11-05 09:41:55 · 15 answers · asked by alkarah 2

sh1te in there knickers in there chest of drawers?????????????

2006-11-05 09:31:48 · 19 answers · asked by for a pound 1

2006-11-05 08:49:47 · 8 answers · asked by Helen 4

The lady was most surprised to find out she was pregnant. When did you have your last check up asked the doc? "never"! insisted the lady. An Italian,a Frenchman,and a Yank. But never a Czech

2006-11-05 08:42:08 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-05 08:30:38 · 15 answers · asked by for a pound 1

This test was developed as an age test by R and D Department of Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake, The average person over 40 can not do it.

1. this is this cat.
2 . this is is cat.
3 this is how cat.
4 this is to cat
5 this is keep cat
6 this is an cat.
7 this is old cat.
8 this is fart cat.
9 this is busy cat
10 this is for cat
11 this is forty cat.
12 this is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down,
Gotcha didn't i....

2006-11-05 08:30:18 · 24 answers · asked by chris w. 7

J. drinks his lager and then pisses all over the pub. The Landlord is not amused:

"Get out of my Pub you twit" he says.

"I'm sorry, I feel so guilty" groans J.

Next night J. returns to the Pub;

"Get out of my pub - I'm not having that nonsense again like last night" says the Landlord.

J. says "No, no, it's alright it won't happen again - I promise"

"Well alright then - if you say so" says the Landlord looking askance at J.

1 pint of Lager later J. cries out "Aaaargh" and then promptly begins to piss all over the pub.

"Right that's it - get out " says the Landlord angrily.

J. leaves with tears in his eyes saying "I'm sorry, I Feel so Guilty"

Next night J. is back at the Pub -

"Right you - out" says the Landlord.

"No it's alright, I'm cured" says J. "I saw a psychiatrist"

"OK then" says the Landlord

J. drinks his pint and - "Aaaargh" - piss everywhere.

"I thought you were cured" says the Landlord.

"I am. I don't feel guilty any more"

2006-11-05 08:27:13 · 23 answers · asked by Excelsior 2

why do italian men have facial hair?
so they can look like their mothers

whats the differance between mcfly and a bucket of sh*t?
the bucket

what do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
lickalotofpus

what do tigers have that no other animals have?
baby tigers

what was billy the kids middle name?
the

what do you call postman pat after he got fired ?
pat

2 ariels on a roof, fell in love and got married
the wedding was crap but it was a great reception

what do you call a snail without his shell ?
a slug

a man went to a fancy dress competition with a naked woman on his back
when asked what he had come as he replied "a snail and this is michelle"

a blonde took her dog in a pub and she had a drink and he had a bone
when they came out the dog had 3 legs

whats the differance between a blonde in a garage and a porn star?
one gets screwed and the other is a porn star

a blonde goes into a garage and asks for a longer dipstick as hers doesnt reach the oil

2006-11-05 08:01:02 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

FINE

this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

Oh, and before we forget ...

"Whatever"

...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

2006-11-05 08:00:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-05 07:55:30 · 20 answers · asked by Sexi B..i.t.c.h 1

anybody have any funny stories of putting something down someone's crack or seeing others do it?

just for laughs...

haha once I was at a basket ball game, and there was this girl in front of my who had a HUGE butt crack showing. So me and my friend took little bits of granola bar, and we started throwing them at her, seeing if they could go in. that sounds stupid, but it was so funny, especially because the girl didn't notice, and there was a lot of granola in her crack. wonder if she was confused later on? lmao.

if you're going to whine and complain, don't bother replying. this is all in FUN and jokes.

2006-11-05 07:52:41 · 9 answers · asked by Karey 1

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

2006-11-05 07:52:35 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

What garden has the fastest growing vegetables?


Flash Garden

HAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA

isn't that cheesy! yaaaaaaaaaaaaay

2006-11-05 07:51:27 · 9 answers · asked by ...Is A Real Boy 2

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

* To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

* Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

* Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

* A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

* There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

2006-11-05 07:48:57 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave

2006-11-05 07:47:51 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

do u like this joke?:


3 men just got married, and are exclaiming over their new wives, the first one says, "yeah, I married a bright girl from oregon, and i told her after the honeymoon that everynight i expect a hot meal on the table and a clean house. it took 2 days, but she has it done every single night" the 2nd guy says, "well, i married a girl from florida, and i told her that everynight i want a clean house, a hot meal, and great sex. after 3 days, it started happening." the third guy says, "i married a girl from wisconsin, and i told her that i want the lawn taken care of, a hot meal, my laundry cleaned and ironed, a clean house, and the best sex ever everynight. after 2 weeks, the swelling went down enough that i could pick up the phone, order pizza, mow the lawn, learn how to run the washing machine, and ask her how she wants the dishes done."

2006-11-05 07:45:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the ******* potatoes!"

2006-11-05 07:42:59 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first.

"We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning."
Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her."
"What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?"

As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

2006-11-05 07:42:01 · 10 answers · asked by kingkong's daddy 1

Mike and Bob had just finished the first nine holes in their round of golf, and it was obvious that Mike was having an awful day.

"Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today. What's the matter?" asked Bob.

Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Connie's dead."

"My God! That's terrible," said Bob, "but you said you only THINK your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?"

"Well, I just don't know" responded Mike, "the sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up."

2006-11-05 07:40:34 · 10 answers · asked by kingkong's daddy 1

A man called the King Brothers Chinese take away. Hello King Brothers Take Away, a man answered. Are you Wang King, the manager ?No the man answered. Im ....Foo King the chef Ok I will phone back when your not busy. the caller replyed

2006-11-05 07:39:04 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three ducks went into court. The judge called the first one to the stand.

"What is your name?" he asked.

"Quack." the duck answered.

"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.

"I was blowing bubbles." he answered.

The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and called up the next one.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Quack," the duck answered.

"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.

"I was blowing bubbles." the duck replied.

Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck.

"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess, Quack." he said.

"No," said the duck, "My name is Bubbles."

2006-11-05 07:38:11 · 18 answers · asked by mr. fancy pants 3

There are 4 baseball players: Babe, Hank, Pepper and Mickey. Three of them sat down on chairs directly behind one another. The other one had 5 hats 3 red and two blue. When asked what color hat they were wearing only they had on the 2 back players didn't know but the front 1 did. Why? and what color hat wwas each player wearing?

2006-11-05 07:38:09 · 5 answers · asked by panda 2

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you

2006-11-05 07:33:46 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Grandpa is running around in the nursing home with his privates hanging out of his pants screaming: "My penis just died, my penis just died!"

The nurses calm him down,and he goes back to his room. The next day, grandpa is running around again with his privates hanging out, so the nurse asks him: "I thought you said yesterday that your penis died. What happened?"

Grandpa replies: "Yes, it did... but today is the viewing

2006-11-05 07:20:18 · 11 answers · asked by kingkong's daddy 1

2 men leave the pub pis*ed out of thier heads, the say goodnight and head off home in different directions.
the following night they meet up in the pub and when mike says to brian " you would not believe what happened to me last night" "do tell" says brian , so mike continues "on my way home i found this woman down by the train station, she had big t*ts, an amazing a*s,and gorgeous long legs so i took her into the waiting room and had the most amazing sex ever, we did it 3 times and it was wonderful" " wow" said brian he then asked "what colour hair did she have?" then mike replied " i dont know i couldnt find her head"

2006-11-05 07:16:25 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants.
He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients.
Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.''
She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed. One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine.
So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''.
The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?''
''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?''
He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''

2006-11-05 07:07:59 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous