Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

S T A U E

Hint: something in a kitchen

2006-11-05 14:33:44 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital waiting room. One leans over to the other and says, "What are you in here for?"

The other says, "Circumcision."

The first boy says "Oh, man! I had that done right after I was born. I couldn't walk for a year

2006-11-05 14:29:38 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A homeless person walks into a bar. He asks the barman for a cocktail stick. The barman, being a nice guy, gives the man a cocktail stick. The guy thanks him and leaves.

A couple of minutes later, another homeless guy comes in and asks for a cocktail stick. The barman, getting rather confused gives him one and watches him leave.

Another homeless guy comes in and asks for the same thing.

A fourth homeless guy comes in and asks for a straw. The barman asks "Don't you want a cocktail stick like all the others?"

The homeless guy says "No thanks. Someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone!"

2006-11-05 14:29:14 · 42 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys walked by a strip bar they decided to walk in, the first guy licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on one side of the strippers butt. The next guy also licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on the other side of her butt. The third guy walks in takes out a credit card swipes it through her butt and takes the 200 dollars.

2006-11-05 14:27:18 · 5 answers · asked by jazi 5

Woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,
"Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"
"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
"Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"

2006-11-05 14:23:37 · 11 answers · asked by jazi 5

rubbit rubbitt rubbitt

2006-11-05 14:17:28 · 6 answers · asked by serviceteam_perry 2

A mother walks into her daughters room holding a condom in her hand, "I found this while cleaning your room today.... Are you sexually active?" To which the daughter replies, "No, I just lay there."

2006-11-05 14:15:22 · 10 answers · asked by jazi 5

It was "Help!"


Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands.
It's going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand.


Q: What's the difference between a pimple and a priest? A: A pimple waits till you're about 15 till it comes on your face.


Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? A: Because most men are stupid, but very few are blind.


Q: What is the difference between garbage and an ugly girl? A: Garbage gets picked up at least once a week.


Q: What's worse: ignorance or apathy?
A: I don't know and I don't care.

2006-11-05 14:13:05 · 6 answers · asked by kwon 1

marriage is not a word. it is a sentence (a life sentence)

marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached

marriage is love. love is blind. therefore, marriage is an institution for the blinde

marriage is a thing that puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the mans eyes

marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit

married life is full of excitement and frustration. in the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. in the second year, the woman speaks and the an listens. in the third year, they both speak an the neighbors listen

getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. you order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that

a happy marriage is a mater of giving and taking: the husband gives and the wife takes

son: how much does it cost to get married, dad?
father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it

son: dad, I heard that in ancient china, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries. Is it true?
father: that happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

There was a man who said, ‘I never know what happiness was until I got married…and then it was too late!’

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock

They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self defense

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a man who has been married for 10 years looks happy, we wonder why

2006-11-05 14:10:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

2006-11-05 13:53:55 · 5 answers · asked by mr. fancy pants 3

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

2006-11-05 13:45:36 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

2006-11-05 13:33:17 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

1: - I can't reach my licence unless you hold my beer.

2: - Sorry, Officer, I didn't realise my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3: - Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4: - Hey, you must've been doin' about 225 Kph to keep up with me. Good job!

5: - Are You Andy or Barney?

6: - I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7: - You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8: - I pay your salary!

9: - Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10: - Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11: - I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12: - When the Officer says "Gee Son.... Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

2006-11-05 13:30:59 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

"So?"

"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

2006-11-05 13:29:07 · 7 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

2006-11-05 13:28:02 · 8 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A man on the River Walk in San Antonio spots a blonde lady across the river and asks, " How do you get to the other side?".

The woman hesitates, looks around, and finally answers, "You ARE on the other side!".

2006-11-05 13:23:14 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing?". The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes". The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes. The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?". Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa

2006-11-05 13:23:08 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered

SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo. $800/month plus 1/2 utilities. Must enjoy garlic, taxidermy & clock repair.

SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52, for immediate marriage. Willing to beg. Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-I'm-4you.

SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles, heavy drinking, and testosterone. Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theories and help stock secluded mountain shelter. Don't bother to write, I already know where you live.

SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Age music, Communing with Gaian nature spirits, and Jello sculpting. Seeks aloof, analytic whimp.

SWM: 59, wide range of interests including: Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest. ISO compatible F.

SM: Seeking an adventurous SF Interested in underwater bondage with or w/o scuba gear And albino livestock breeding. No weirdos please.

SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler Wishes to meet woman of similar interests Must be ambidextrous.

DWF: Crazy ppl Need Love Too. If you enjoy destroying good furniture, Police lineups and locking your friends in closets, We already have three things in common ! Let's get together.

DM: Physician, 35 Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send latest X-rays.

DWM: Compulsive Liar Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar Riviera chateau. Visa Gold Card a must. Private plane a plus.

SWM: 32, my life's work is verifying, in detail, all the episodes shown on"The X-Files". ISO SWF with like dedication. Must be willing to travel a lot

2006-11-05 13:19:54 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

2006-11-05 13:19:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are attending a business meeting which consists of only accountants and lawyers. From your previous dealings with these two professions, you know that accountants always tell the truth about everything and lawyers always lie about something.

Two gentlemen, Sam and Adam, approach you. Sam introduces himself and says, "I am a lawyer, but Adam is an accountant."

Based on what you know from your previoius dealings, what are each of the men's actual professions?

2006-11-05 13:11:21 · 14 answers · asked by Matt T 2

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

2006-11-05 13:08:00 · 10 answers · asked by Alex_C 2

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Surfing in Nebraska.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

2006-11-05 13:07:58 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Top Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek...

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!"

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

2006-11-05 13:01:38 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

normally pretty women on one side but upside down its an ugly one. ya know the before and arfter pics?

2006-11-05 12:50:51 · 3 answers · asked by alicia p 1

I really do love this country, but...

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

2006-11-05 12:48:56 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Good: You're pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

2006-11-05 12:34:36 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to
findout anyway!"
You're Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then
I setup a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your
Mom agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one
of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button,
Nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said:
> > > "You've Got Male"

2006-11-05 12:32:39 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an
outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for five
different companies.

10. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

11. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

12. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.

13. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

14. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

16. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

17. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

18. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

19. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

2006-11-05 12:20:28 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Answer: The Sand Which is there!!

2006-11-05 12:04:15 · 2 answers · asked by barrettins 3

1. How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?
2. Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.
3. Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week.
4. Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
5. That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.
6. Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.
7. The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.
8. Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.
9. Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?
10. Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

2006-11-05 12:03:43 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous