Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

I need the best jokes you guys have got! No restrictions.

2006-11-05 12:02:23 · 9 answers · asked by luv2bactin 2

theres a blone, a brunette, and a green haired lady. One day a man comes up to the brunette and asked: "how did you get you hair that way?" She smiled and said" It's natural" Then the next day the same guy askes the blone the same question. "It's natural" she replied. And the next day he goes up to the green-haired woman and askes her the same questions he asked the others. Before she answered she wiped her nose and then wiped that in her hair and said: " it's natural!!"

2006-11-05 11:50:37 · 10 answers · asked by emilyt46 2

Feeling edgy, a man decided to take a hot bath.

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

2006-11-05 11:46:13 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

2006-11-05 11:42:37 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'll give you five clues that you should be able to use to determine the high school that I went to. First one with the right answer gets the points!! Good luck!
1. Mascot is the Redhawks (used to be Redskins)
2. It's in District 203
3. The street address number is 440
4. They have an anime club (what is the world coming to?)
5. The current principal's name is Jim

2006-11-05 11:33:09 · 6 answers · asked by Luvitall 3

NICKNAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as LardAss, Butt-Breath, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!

DRESSING UP: A man will dress up for weddings, funerals. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

2006-11-05 11:31:44 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man and woman return home from holiday to find two dead bodies on the living room floor surrounded by glass ,
after searching the entire house they found no broken windows and all doors were locked so what had happened?

2006-11-05 11:20:27 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-05 11:14:46 · 6 answers · asked by David H 6

a husband came home from work to find the refridgerator broken and fixed it, complaining to the wife, do you see "GE (General Electric)" on my forehead.
next day the husband came home and found the house messy and cleaned it up, "dang women, do you see AAA cleaning service" on my forehead.
next day the husband left for work and heard the stairs squeaked. Fix this honey . When he came from work, the stairs were fixed. Good job honey. The wife said, i didn't fix it. This guy walked by and said he'll fix it for a homemade baked cake or for a steamy hot sex. The husband asked, "what kind of cake did you bake for him," the wife, " ah excuse me, but do you see a --Betty Crocker-- on my forehead."

2006-11-05 10:56:08 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

LIES ABOUT LOVE
everyone does this, its perfectly normal

its dangerous to your health to get excited and then stop

I’ll stop as soon as you say

I’ll tell her/him tonight

nobody can hear us

I’ll never put myself through this again

MEN'S LIES

sex isn’t everything

its not your fault

its too late

I read an article today

I’m allergic to rubber

we'll try again when we wake up

it has a mind of its own

this has never happened before

PARTY LIES

I’m not going to drink too much tonight

they’ll all be wearing jeans

there are no bones in this fish

the neighbors are very tolerant

just half a glass, thanks

he doesn’t normally act like this when he’s been drinking

its no trouble if you stay the night

SALESMAN LIES

you won’t see this anywhere else

this sort of thing never goes out of fashion

bring it back if you don’t like it

this is a never to be repeated offer

unbelievably low prices

its the last one in stock

you’ll have no trouble with it

DRIVERS STOPPED BY THE LAW LIES

I was just going the speed limit

I only had one

What stop sign?

The light was green when I started through the intersection

He came from nowhere

Officer, I can walk without any assistance

COMPUTER LIES

If you have any problems, just call us

What you see on the screen, you get on paper

They don’t make those chips anymore

If kids use them, so can adults

Oh yeah, it’s compatible with everything

You wont need any special training. There’s no harm in trying-nothing can go wrong

The manual explains everything

2006-11-05 10:51:36 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

George Bush is talking with Dick Cheney.
Cheney says, "Did you hear that we're getting 100 Brazilian troops to help us in the war?"
Bush replies, "No, that's great!... How much is a Brazilian?"

2006-11-05 10:47:35 · 24 answers · asked by philly 2

The judge looked at the old woman and said, "Before I pass sentence, do you have anything to say in your defence?"

The old woman got to her feet and replied...
"Yes, Your Honour. The evening that it happened, I was sitting quietly on my porch when this beautiful young man came up to me and started to kiss my hand. Then he kissed my face and began rubbing himself up against me. He put his hands underneath my blouse and fondled my breasts. It was so wonderful, I opened my legs, Your Honour, and asked him to go all the way."
The old woman shook her head sadly as she remembered that evening. She continued, "That's when he laughed and said April Fool! So I picked up my rifle and shot him."

2006-11-05 10:41:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-05 10:37:52 · 11 answers · asked by backassshoes 2

2006-11-05 10:31:25 · 14 answers · asked by backassshoes 2

them off.I said F--k off they might take offence.(A FENCE)

2006-11-05 10:28:24 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-05 10:27:02 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-05 10:23:20 · 12 answers · asked by backassshoes 2

A man was dying so he went to have a chat with God to make sure he could get into Heaven. "Of course you can" said God , "But to enable you to come into Heaven you must give up drinking, smoking and sex". "Certainly" said the man. However after a few weeks the man went back to God and said "I can't do it I'm so sorry. the drinking was easy to give up as was the smoking, but the other day my wife was leaning over the freezer and I just couldn't help myself". "Tut tut" said God "I,'m sorry but that wont go down well in Heaven". "Heaven!" said the man, "It didn't go down well in Tesco's either!"

2006-11-05 10:22:21 · 10 answers · asked by Alicat 6

three guys rent a hotel room, they each put in 10 dollars. the room only cost 25 so the attendant kept 2 dollars and returned 3. each person paid 9 dollars so 9x3 is 27 plus the 2 that the attendant kept. that equals 29 dollars where is the other dollar?

2006-11-05 10:21:51 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-05 10:19:43 · 10 answers · asked by Question 1

I'm sorry to ask this but this question always got on my nerves and I finally wanted an answer. What came first the chicken or the egg? If you know the answer please tell me if not please talke a guess.

2006-11-05 10:17:54 · 15 answers · asked by angie garzon 1

2006-11-05 10:17:03 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man arrived home from work to find absolute chaos. As he walked up the garden path he fell over toys, strewn all over the gound and a broken milk bottle on the doorstep. Inside, the living room was in uproar. The two small children had up-ended the furniture and pushed over the television. The carpet had food all over it plus an overturned vase of flowers and spilt glasses of milk. The kitchen was even worse. Dirty dishes, covered every work surface, the fridge had been left open so it had de-frosted and the cat was sitting on the table eating left-over food.

"Oh no!" he gasped, turning white. He was really worried that something had happened to his wife. He raced up the stairs, two at a time and rushed into the bedroom. There, sitting up in bed was his wife, reading a book and eating chocolate. :)

"What's going on?" he asked. "I thought you must be ill."

"Oh no," she replied, "but when you come in every day and ask me what I did......WELL, TODAY I DIDN'T."

2006-11-05 10:13:11 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered Johnny
innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2006-11-05 10:08:14 · 23 answers · asked by Jennifer A 2

There are 10 types of people in the world,

Those who understand binary, any those who don't!



Have I just got thick mates?

2006-11-05 10:06:41 · 33 answers · asked by The Wandering Blade 4

2006-11-05 10:05:42 · 13 answers · asked by for a pound 1

A man and his new wife are on their honeymoon and have never even seen each other naked yet. The man starts to strip. He takes off his socks and his wife says "Ooooh, what is wrong with your feet?"
He says "It's toelio."
She says "Surely you mean polio?"
He says "No it's definitely toelio."
He then goes on to remove his trousers and his wife goes "Oh my god whats wrong with your knees?"
He says "It's kneesels"
She says "You mean measles?"
"No it's definitely kneesels" says her husband.
He then goes on to remove his boxer shorts.
His wife looks truly shocked and says "Don't tell me .... It's small cox!"

2006-11-05 10:04:09 · 13 answers · asked by Jennifer A 2

Fine
this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

2006-11-05 10:03:21 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-05 09:56:05 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-05 09:54:50 · 30 answers · asked by for a pound 1