Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-05 17:10:43 · 2 answers · asked by X 3

2006-11-05 16:44:57 · 19 answers · asked by whay i lost my ?s 6

Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.""OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."The next nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged on a bit.""OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass into heaven."Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front."Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter."Well your excellancy," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line,"If I'm going to have to gargle the stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her a$$ in it

2006-11-05 16:37:13 · 8 answers · asked by ? 5

Riddle of the day.

Tim and Tod where swimming side by side. Tim told tod that he saw an apple turn into an orange. How is that so?

(Mind you, they are ducks)

2006-11-05 16:36:09 · 11 answers · asked by aufrecht_melcher_grossaspach_05 1

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the guy tells Ford, 'Well, you've been such a good gut and your invention the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.' So Henry Ford thinks about it and says: 'I want to hang out with Adam, the first man.' -- So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks 'Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?' Adam says: 'Yes.'
'Well,' says Ford, 'You have some major design flaws in your invention :
There is too much front end protrusion
It chatters at high speeds
The rear end wobbles too much
and the intake is too close to the exhaust.' 'Hmmmmm..' says Adam, 'hold on'. So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, 'It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours!!

2006-11-05 16:34:21 · 5 answers · asked by ? 5

2006-11-05 16:26:44 · 12 answers · asked by -Tequila17 6

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?"

"Yesss, sssshombody stole me car!" the Irishman replies.

The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It was at the end of this key."

About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOOH GOD...they got me girlfriend too!!"

2006-11-05 16:19:08 · 9 answers · asked by ? 5

If you love sum1 you can arrange these 13 letters A,S,A,D,H,N,Y,J,A,P,A,H,U
into two words.

2006-11-05 16:14:10 · 10 answers · asked by Jay 3

This morning my big, old, male, orange cat's yowling (talking), out our bedroom window woke me up. It seems a sweet little black female cat has moved in next door. Tigger--thats his name--wanted to go galivanting off somewhere to speak with the lady fair as soon as he saw her. Now that female cat had just come into tigger's courtin' territory from someplace called can, net, and cut tea, I think. That she cat looked like she would tear the hair out of any He cat that got in too that little monarch's tilting court.

2006-11-05 15:59:24 · 2 answers · asked by Terry 7

Q What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in




Little Johnny's mother taught him to say 'whisper' whenever he had to 'tinkle.' One day Little Johnny's grandpa paid them a visit. He was lying on the couch taking a nap when Little Johnny came up to him and said, "Grandpa, I have to whisper." Without opening his eyes, his grandpa said, "Whisper in my ear, son." When Little Johnny's mom heard a yell that carried for several blocks, she came running. "What's the matter?" she cried. Then, seeing Little Johnny she asked, "Did Little Johnny have to whisper?" "Yes!" the old man shouted, "Thank God he didn't have to shout

2006-11-05 15:54:56 · 9 answers · asked by Aspettami28 4

PUBLIC OUTBURST
A women and her three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and she was on him constantly. One day they stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying a taco, She smelled something funny, so of course she checked her seven month old daughter, and she was clean. Then she realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so she asked, and he said "No."
She kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have any clothes with me."
She had to ask again, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?"
"No" he replied.
She just knew that he must have had, because the smell was getting worse.So,she asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled...
"See MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. She was mortified but some kind elderly people made her feel a lot better, when they stop by the table and thanked her for the best laugh they had ever had!!!

2006-11-05 15:53:03 · 10 answers · asked by Aspettami28 4

A teacher goes into a cafe and scribbles something down. Later, the cafe puts up a plaque in her name. Explain this. (another lateral thinking puzzle)

Honestly, to me, this was all too easy. Lets see if you lot agree.

2006-11-05 15:48:01 · 23 answers · asked by Smo 4

A wife answers the door bell and a man asks her, "Lady, do you have a v*a*g*i*n*a?" and she slams the door shut. The next day the wife answers the door bell and its the same guy and he asks her, "Lady, do you have a v*a*g*i*n*a?" and she slams the door shut.
The woman tells her husband about the guy and he says he will stay home from work the next day and this time she should tell the man she has a v*a*g*i*n*a and see what happens. The door bell rings, the woman answers the door, the man asks, "Lady do you have a v*a*g*i*n*a?" to which she says, "Yes, I do."
The man then tells her, "Well then tell your husband to make use of it and stay away from my wife."

2006-11-05 15:42:39 · 12 answers · asked by ? 5

There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The blond turns to the brunette and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The brunette then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"


A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the brunette behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the brunette yelled back, "Scarf!"



Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. A gorgeous Italian brunette customs agent stops and tells them, 'It's illegal to put five people in a Quattro.' 'What do you mean it's illegal?' asks the driver. 'Quattro means four' replied the brunette. 'Quattro is just the name of the car,' the German retorted in disbelief. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.' 'You can't pull that one on me,' replies the Italian customs agent: 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and are therefore breaking the law'. The driver replies angrily: 'Brainless idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!' 'Sorry, 'she said sweetly: 'he can't come right now. He's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.'

2006-11-05 15:39:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building.

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts.......
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"

2006-11-05 15:34:31 · 10 answers · asked by ? 5

What's one way to get your house infested with ants?


Good Luck.

2006-11-05 15:28:09 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's the cure for baldness?

Good Luck.

2006-11-05 15:23:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.

"Who was it?" he asked.

"My husband," she replied.

"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"

"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."

2006-11-05 15:07:46 · 9 answers · asked by jazi 5

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

2006-11-05 15:07:35 · 16 answers · asked by ? 5

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

2006-11-05 15:05:29 · 15 answers · asked by ? 5

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?". Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good." A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay, but it still won't do you any good." He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good." They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife." She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."

2006-11-05 15:04:30 · 5 answers · asked by jazi 5

You add the bed...
You subtract the clothes...
You divide the legs...and then...
You pray you don't multiply!

2006-11-05 15:04:04 · 10 answers · asked by simplycreative_2115 2

A young woman is taken to a very distant land, where she kills the first person she meets. Then she teams up with three others to kill again.

2006-11-05 15:00:33 · 15 answers · asked by Smo 4

A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like crazy. I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and... guess what he found? The birth control pill!

2006-11-05 14:56:21 · 6 answers · asked by jazi 5

I'm feeling sad I'm feeling blue do you know what to do?

2006-11-05 14:49:18 · 9 answers · asked by STIGMATALADY 2

2006-11-05 14:48:53 · 3 answers · asked by i am who ever u say i am 2

ene body get it ??

2006-11-05 14:47:28 · 3 answers · asked by StonerChick421 2

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases

for the chronically absent=a man like him is hard to find or it seemed her career was just taking off

for the office drunk=I feel his real talent is wasted here or we generally found him loaded with work to do or every hour with him was a happy hour

for an employee with no ambition=he could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in or you would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you

for an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled=I can assure you that no person would be better for the job

for an employee who is not worth further considerations a job candidate=I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment or all in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him to highly

for a stupid employee=there is nothing you can teach a man like him or I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever

for a dishonest employee=her true ability was deceiving or he’s an unbelievable worker

have to read a letter of recommendations? here are a few translations:
a keen analyst=thoroughly confused

accepts new job assignments willingly=never finished a job

active socially=drinks heavily

alert to company developments=an office gossip

approaches difficult problems with logic=finds someone else to do the job

bridge builder=likes to compromise

character above reproach=still one step ahead of the law

charismatic=no interest in any opinion but his own

competent=is still able to get work done if supervisor helps

conscientious and careful=scared

consults with co workers often=indecisive, confused and clueless

delegates responsibility effectively=passes the buck well

demonstrates qualities of leadership=has a loud voice

deserves promotion=create new title to make him/her feel appreciated

displays excellent intuitive judgment=knows when to disappear

displays great dexterity and agility=dodges and evades superiors well

enjoys job=needs more to do
excels in sustaining concentration but avoids everyone=ignores everyone

excels in the effective application of skills=makes a good cup of coffee

exceptionally well qualified=has committed no major blunders to date

expresses self well=can string two sentences together

gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike=a coward

happy=paid too much

hard worker=usually does it the hard way

identifies major management problems=complains a lot

is well informed=knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept

inspires the cooperation of others=gets everyone else to do the work

is unusually loyal=wanted by no one else

judgment is usually sound=lucky

keen sense of humor=knows lots of dirty jokes

keeps informed on business issues=subscribes to playboy and national enquirer

listens well=has no ideas of his own

maintains a high degree of participation=comes to work on time

maintains professional attitude=a snob

meticulous in attention to detail=a nitpicker

mover and shaker=favors steamroller tactics without regard for other peoples opinions

uses all available resources=takes office supplies home for personal use

quick thinking=offers plausible excuses for errors

should go far=please

spends extra hours on the job=miserable home life

straightforward=blunt and insensitive

strong adherence to principles=stubborn

tactful in dealing with superiors=knows when to keep mouth shut

takes utmost advantage of every opportunity to progress=buys drinks for superiors

takes pride in work=conceited

uses time effectively=clock watcher

very creative=finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work

will go far=relative of management

willing to take calculated risks=doesn’t mind spending someone else’s money

2006-11-05 14:41:32 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-05 14:38:01 · 14 answers · asked by pirateron 5

Lucinda recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter...

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that bl.. job I promised you? Here it comes.

2006-11-05 14:35:18 · 2 answers · asked by jazi 5