Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

These are from a quiz sheet for my sons school, and are all teasers. example:-

o
v
a
t
i
o
n

is a standing ovation, can you please help me solve these other?

1:-

T (whats the answer or question)
T
T+
___
3T



2:-

flingees ?



3:-

c
-----------
start


4:-

suarmple


5:-

1
1

6:-

(in a box, sitting at top)
court

7:-


SUNSET


Best answer to person who gives me most correct answers, but all help greatly appreciated, and will get a thumbs up.

cheers.

sithy

2006-11-06 03:27:51 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-06 03:21:00 · 13 answers · asked by jetpig_uk 2

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

2006-11-06 03:18:21 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

If not, why are they always looking down on others?

2006-11-06 03:05:03 · 32 answers · asked by Polo 7

Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don't send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.

One good man who's sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn't smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Is super-rich like Michael J.
On second thought, that's okay.

Man, if I should die before I wake,
that would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don't let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won't go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He'd probably be just some schmuck.

The single life is not that bad
I know it's just a passing fad.
I won't be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won't comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.

The single life will do just fine.
So what's up, girlfriend?
IT'S PARTY TIME!!!!

2006-11-06 02:53:17 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman walks past a petshop,sees a sign ....'FOR SALE: C.LITORIS LICKING FROG'.
She walks in for more details.
Bloke behind the counter says ''Bonjour!''

2006-11-06 02:51:54 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Saw this on popbitch.com today:

Why should you never shag a dwarf with learning disabilities?



Because it's not big, and it's not clever!

(Sorry folks, couldn't resist it.)

2006-11-06 02:50:21 · 25 answers · asked by mcfifi 6

As I was going to St.Ives, I met a man with 7 wives, Every Wife had 7 baskets and every basket had 7 cats, Every cat had 7 kittens, How many people were going to st.Ives?

2006-11-06 02:40:27 · 16 answers · asked by Marcus Aldrige 1

a blonde was walking through the car park of the town hall, when she spotted paddy and mick looking up at the top of the flagpole.
curiousity got the better of her, so she went over and asked
"Hi Guys. What's up?"
"We've been told we've got to measure the height of this flagpole, but we haven't got a ladder big enough" said paddy
"No Problem" replied the blonde, and with that she grabbed a spanner out of paddy's open toolkit, undid the nut at the base of the pole, laid it down, laid one end of a tape measure against the base and walked to the tip of the pole.
"There" she said " it's exactly 4.42 metres" and walked away.

"Ain't that just like a dumb blonde" said Paddy, "We told her we wanted the height and she goes and gives us the length!!"

2006-11-06 02:40:26 · 16 answers · asked by SeabourneFerriesLtd 7

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip..."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing its your property.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Name your dog "Dog".

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.

2006-11-06 02:39:48 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy wanted a new bike for Christmas. His mother told him they did not have any money for a bike. But she told him if he would tell Jesus what a good boy he would be, maybe Jesus would allow him to have one.

The little boy sat down to write Jesus a letter. As he began the letter..."Dear Jesus I will be good for one year..." He scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one month..." Then he scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one whole week...." In his disgust he tore up the paper and went for a walk.

As he walked he passed by the local church were there was a Nativity scene. He began to run as fast as he could and, when he past by the figure of Mary, grabbed her up and ran home. He ran in the front door and to his room. There he began a new letter that started..."Dear Jesus if you ever want to see your mother again..."

2006-11-06 02:38:00 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

had been there for years. One day while he was painting a view in the grounds, he was visited by an officer who's job it was to say whether the patient was well enough to be released back into society. When he saw the beautiful painting the patient had done, he asked him how long he had been there.
'Twenty long years Sir', he replied.
They had a long long chat and the officer was surprised that the man was institutionalised at all.
'I think I could safely say that you would not be a threat to anyone, maybe even become an artist. I promise I will do what I can to have you released. The man could not thank him enough and shook his hand happily.
As the officer walked away a brick hit him on the back of the head.
Turning round he saw the patient smiling......
'You won't forget will you'!

2006-11-06 02:33:02 · 9 answers · asked by Somer 4

Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U
Continue to do so.


Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.


Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other
problem can there be greater than this one?"


Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

2006-11-06 02:32:43 · 7 answers · asked by zaazzy 4

A scientist has invented a bra that stops boobs bobbing up and down,and nipples sticking out in the cold.

His colleagues have kicked the s.hit out of him.

2006-11-06 02:31:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

11. A BLONDE ACCESSORISES


Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles

2006-11-06 02:28:39 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I dont think its that good but let me know what you lot think.


Murphy calls round to his mate paddy's house,paddy has a broken leg.
Paddy says 'Me feet are freezing mate,could you nip upstairs and get me my slippers?'
No bother he says and runs upstairs,paddys stunning twin 19yr old daughters are sat on their bed.Hello dear girls,your dad has sent me up here to s.hag you both.F.uck off you liar they said,I'll prove it says Murphy.So he shouts down the stairs,both of them pat?
Of course!Whats the use of f.ucking one ???

2006-11-06 02:26:08 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Along the way home, taped to a telephone pole was the following poster....

MISSING
Lost: Dog
Color: Black and white with patches of fur missing
Other: Limp on right leg, left ear missing, three teeth remaining, may have saliva coming out of mouth, nose is scratched, has only 1 eye, no collar, and has some problems with his degestive system. Goes by the name of 'LUCKY'

I couldnt believe it when i saw it....it made me giggle...do you find this funny / ironic as well?

Thumbs up if u like it please!

Thanks

~♥Kimmie♥~

2006-11-06 02:25:30 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

dudes i'm just playing with you!i hate the stuff.but i love a good laugh!so sence your here lets have a joke.if you make me laugh you get ten points.

2006-11-06 02:25:08 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

you tell a joke to an Englishman, a Scotsman an Irishman and an American. The yank laughs last!!!!!!!

2006-11-06 02:22:03 · 14 answers · asked by Shredder 6

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhoea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.

2006-11-06 02:18:10 · 10 answers · asked by zaazzy 4

there are 3 kids and a dog standing under one umbrella, how come their not getting wet?

its kinda easy but eh. whatever.

2006-11-06 02:16:31 · 10 answers · asked by missie 2

A man was lying on a beach,he had no arms or legs.A lady walks by and said 'oh you poor man,have you ever been hugged?'.He replied 'No'.The lady hugged him and went away.Another lady walks by and said 'oh you poor man,have you ever been kissed?'.He replied 'No'.The lady kissed him and went away.A third lady walks by and said 'oh you poor man,have you ever been f.ucked?'He smiled excitedly and said 'No never'.She replied 'You soon will be the tide's coming in'.

2006-11-06 02:10:49 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a
look at his Mercedes.

Morris shouted across the garage,

"Hey DeBakey!

Is dat you?

"Come on ova' here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.

Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively,

"So Mr. Fancy Doctor,
look at dis here work.
I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten.

So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"

Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic.

"Try doing it with the engine running." !

2006-11-06 02:09:30 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman walks into the convention hall, and one of the delegates turns to the man, who came in with her and who appeared to be her companion, and said, "What state is she from?"

The man, in a southern drawl replied, "I'll ask her."

What state is she from?

2006-11-06 02:06:22 · 9 answers · asked by Calvin James Hammer 6

Work that one out Einstein...

2006-11-06 01:55:36 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door
where a drunken stranger, standing in the pourin rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He
slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just
some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she
asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain
outside!!. " His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the
pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

2006-11-06 01:54:39 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A burglar breaks into a home and while he is rifling through the owner's possessions with a flashlight, a crackling voice pierces the silence: "Jesus is watching".

The burglar jumps back and shines the light across the room, revealing a parrot in a cage. "What did you say?" he asks.

"Jesus is watching" repeats the parrot.

The burglar laughs and continues searching through drawers and boxes.

"Jesus is watching" chimes the parrot.

The burglar stops what he is doing and walks up to the bird. "You're quite talkative. What's you're name?"

"Hortence," answers the parrot.

"Hortence?" the burgler chortles. "What kind of idiot would name a parrot Hortence?"

"Same guy who named the pit bull Jesus".

2006-11-06 01:45:31 · 17 answers · asked by soren 6

2006-11-06 01:41:17 · 9 answers · asked by Spadesboffin 3

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

2006-11-06 01:27:13 · 13 answers · asked by Citizen 1

Iwas looking through a railing and saw a ship a sailing,what was the captains name.If you don't know his name ,youv'e your own self to blame for I told you in the middle of my story.
One guess each and first correct answer 10 pts..easy as that!

2006-11-06 01:25:36 · 12 answers · asked by palbevman 2