Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

An old lady of 89 lost her husdand and couldnt live without him and decided to shoot herself in the heart. Not sure exactly where her heart was she phoned her doc and asked him. Your heart is under your left breast. The old lady thanked him and put down the phone, went and got her husbands old army gun fired it and shoot herself in the knee.

2006-11-06 08:56:57 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is it?

2006-11-06 08:49:33 · 23 answers · asked by bean 6

...if you went to heaven and everyone there is naked?

2006-11-06 08:46:41 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do I look big in these Genes

2006-11-06 08:44:46 · 23 answers · asked by patricia 2

He told me that he was taking powdered viagra, how? i asked, " I put it in my tea " he replied." Does it work". I enquired, "Well, not really but it stops my biscuits going soft when i dunk them"

2006-11-06 08:18:09 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 factory workers were talking. " i know how to get some time off from work." said the man.

"how do you think you will do that?" said the woman. he proceeded to show her... by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.

the boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?
" im a light bulb" answered the man.

" i think you need some time off," said the boss. so, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
the second worker began walking out too. the boss asked her where did she think she was going?

"home. i cant work in the dark."

2006-11-06 08:14:09 · 10 answers · asked by chris b 4

2006-11-06 08:12:25 · 4 answers · asked by Win 4

I cross ocean poor and broke.....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Take bus, see employment folk. Nice man treat me good in there.
Say I need to see welfare. Welfare say, "You come no more, we send cash right to your door. Welfare cheques -they make you wealthy!
NHS -it keep you healthy! By and by, I got plenty money. Thanks to you, British dummy!

Write to friends in motherland. Tell them "come fast as you can."
They come in turbans and Ford trucks. I buy big house with welfare bucks!

They come here, we live together. More welfare cheques, it gets better!
Fourteen families, they moving in, but neighbour's patience wearing thin.
Finally, white guy moves away. Now I buy his house,then I say,

Find more aliens for house to rent." And in the yard I put a tent.
Everything is very good, and soon we own the neighbourhood.
We have hobby, it's calledbreeding. Welfare pay for baby's feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wife need pills? We get free! We got no bills!
Britain crazy!They pay all year, To keep welfare running here.
We think UK darn good place. Too darn good for the white man race!
If they no like us, they can scram. Got lots of room in Pakistan!

2006-11-06 08:07:58 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you do please share. I might pick you as best anwser if I like your jokes. Thanks!

2006-11-06 08:04:31 · 3 answers · asked by ? 5

A young woman buys a mirror at an antiques shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. one evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty four."

instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

this time the husband crosses his fingers and says "mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor."

again there is a bright flash and..................................both his legs fall off.

2006-11-06 07:53:03 · 17 answers · asked by chris b 4

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and you can set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself......

I don't f *** ing think so.

2006-11-06 07:51:16 · 10 answers · asked by Karen C 2

A man walked into a bar and asked the bar tender if he had a spare set of keys, the bar tender answered no and the man walked out. the next day the man walks in again and askes the bar tender for a lawn mower, and the bar tender gave it to him. on the 3rd day the man comes in again but this time he doesnt go up to the bar tender, insted the bar tender comes up to the man and askes him.. "are you a cow boy!"
is that a great joke!! =]

2006-11-06 07:49:55 · 25 answers · asked by TastelessFish 3

Idont know why you wear a bra,said the guy you got nothing to put in it Well you wear boxers dont you ? replyed the blonde

2006-11-06 07:48:19 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.

When she came out the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"

She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his willy.

The old woman says, "You're going out like that?"

And he replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."

2006-11-06 07:44:25 · 14 answers · asked by leila b 2

2006-11-06 07:37:55 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-06 07:31:45 · 6 answers · asked by i_like_bears 4

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the centre line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no... not the Breathalyzer again!"

2006-11-06 07:25:31 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde ordered a a pizza and the guy behind the counter asked if he would cutit into six or eight slices. "oh, six, please," said the blonde , I could never eat eight slices

2006-11-06 07:25:21 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

another thing, what came first the chicken or the egg?

2006-11-06 07:22:25 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do you suppose i was built backwards or something?

2006-11-06 07:19:52 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are a contestant on the game show Let's Make a Deal. For those of you who don't know the show, I'll explain the situation.

In this problem, you are given three doors. Behind one of them is a car, but behind the other two is a goat (the joke prize). You choose a door. Monty Hall, being the generous host he is, decides to open one of the other doors for you and voila! A goat! After showing you this, he gives you the option to switch to the third door.

Do you stick with your original door or switch and why? (By the way, in case it isn't clear, you want the car. You don't want the goat.)

2006-11-06 07:18:32 · 9 answers · asked by Phil 5

A window in a room
that has none
from which a breeze
has never come
a window that poses
but one question
are you looking out or in...

2006-11-06 06:54:19 · 12 answers · asked by jubilee1005 1

What has leaves
no drought could wither
is half beginning
half end
a spine
fear couldn't quiver
is sometimes real
sometimes pretend...

2006-11-06 06:48:17 · 12 answers · asked by jubilee1005 1

1. There is a electric train, the train is going left, which way is the smoke going?
2. An orphan boy wants to get 2 his parents, but a river is between them, how does he get across?
3. There is a white house on the top letf, a black house on the top right, a green house on the bottom left and a pink house on the bottom right, where is the white house?
4. There is a 1 story house with green on the outside, pink 4 the stairs, what color are the stairs?

Good Luck!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-06 06:46:10 · 20 answers · asked by iversonallyn 3

A Chinese couple gets married -- and she's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting - jus anyting you wan, you say. Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan.....numma 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries ..."You wan.... Beef wi' Broccori?"

2006-11-06 06:39:36 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

This old wino staggers into a bar and the barman immediately told him to get out. The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick.
The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.
A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman. This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, the barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.
Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave. This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.
Curiosity finally got the better of the barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks.
The wino said "Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!"

2006-11-06 06:36:32 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-06 06:34:17 · 18 answers · asked by Kaleigh P 3

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.
On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.
During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back - "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

2006-11-06 06:31:50 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Theres this girl and she goes to a funeral for her mother and she went with her sister. The girl noticed a guy there she had never seen before she started to like him alot but when the funeral was over she never got his number or name. The next day she killed her sister. Why did she kill her sister??

2006-11-06 06:29:04 · 17 answers · asked by powder 1

2006-11-06 06:25:53 · 15 answers · asked by chrisby 2