Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

This Is Totally Amazing.

Say the word COW before each word.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now say the word COW After each word

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now say the word COW before AND after each word.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now read just the words upwards from the bottom.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4- Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look







Gotcha!!!

2006-11-06 15:19:25 · 24 answers · asked by chris b 4

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at
each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.

2006-11-06 15:19:03 · 23 answers · asked by ? 5

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if
there is anybody in room 27. She goes and checks, and comes
back to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty.

"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."

2006-11-06 15:15:21 · 16 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

2006-11-06 15:10:07 · 18 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

what is plastic and rhymes with cash

2006-11-06 14:59:39 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy walked up to his dad one day and asked, "Dad, what is politics?" The dad pondered the question for a moment and then replied, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class; and your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if it makes sense." And so the little boy went off to bed thinking about what his Dad had said. Later that night, the little boy heeard his baby brother crying and got up to check on him. He found that the baby had severely soiled his diaper. He went to his parents room only to find his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he went to the Nanny's room. He found the door locked. He peeked into the keyhole only to find his father in bed with the Nanny.

2006-11-06 14:57:41 · 8 answers · asked by ♥Raven 6

A mother notices that her 9 year old son is really small in the sex organ department so she takes him to the doc's. The doc looks and agrees that for a 9 year old his equipment should be bigger. 'It's not a problem' says the doc........'Just make sure he eats plenty toast, that'll make it grow'. Next morning little Johnny comes down for breakfast before going to school & sees 24 rounds of toast on the table...........'Mom!!' he exclaims......'I'll never eat all of this'. His mom replies...........'Just take the top two son..............the rests for your dad'!!

2006-11-06 14:50:13 · 12 answers · asked by kev3753 1

yo mama's so stupid, fat, ugly, ect.

2006-11-06 14:49:48 · 16 answers · asked by ar14m30nly 2

2006-11-06 14:49:42 · 6 answers · asked by Sean Y 1

An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class, where they teach one to remember things by association. Later, the man was talking to a neighbour about how much the class helped him. "Who was the Instructor?" the neighbour asked. "Oh, let's see," pondered the man. "Umm...what's that flower, you know, the one that smells real nice but has those thorns...?" "A rose?" offered the neighbour. "Right," said the man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the guy we took that memory class from?"

2006-11-06 14:46:45 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-06 14:43:07 · 4 answers · asked by littlebuzard 1

A word I know, six letters it contains.
Subtract just one, and twelve is what remains.
What is the word?

Why can't you take a picture of a man with a wooden leg?

While exploring the wilds of Canada, George was captured by hostile wood fairies. Zion, the powerful chief of the fairies told him he could make one final statement which would determine how he would die.

If the statement he made was false, he would be boiled in water. If the statement were true, he would be fried in oil. George found neither of this options too his liking, so he made a statement that got him out of this seemingly impossible situation.

What is the one statement he could have made?

George, Helen, and Steve are drinking coffee. Bert, Karen, and Dave are drinking soda.
Using logic, is Elizabeth drinking coffee or soda?why?

If seven people meet each other and each shakes hands only once with each of the others, how many handshakes will there have been?sdf

2006-11-06 14:39:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he is sending a friend over to look at a horse.
Sam asks "How will I recognize him?" That's easy, he's a midgetwith a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth.
Can I thee her eyeth?"
Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her ****?"

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's ****, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

2006-11-06 14:37:56 · 14 answers · asked by ? 6

A guy asks a woman, " Can I buy you a drink?"
The woman answers, "No, thank you. Alcohol is bad for my legs."
The guy asks, "Oh do they swell?"
"No," she replies, "they spread.

2006-11-06 14:36:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a young couple had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Johnsons have company," he called out.

"Davids riding a new bike and the Smiths are having a shag."

Mum and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

2006-11-06 14:36:17 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Eric & Maureen Hill have been married for 25 years and are a devoted couple. Maureen has always wanted to visit Romania while Eric's content to stay at home. As it's their anniversary Eric decides to surprise Maureen & books a weeks holiday for them in Romania much to Maureen's delight. When they get there they hire a car so as to take in all the sights & travel around. On the 4th day they visit Transylvania & find themselves at Dracula's castle where Igor invites them to stay the night. At supper Igor strikes up a friendly relationship with Eric & Maureen & really likes them. Just on midnight Dracula appears & bites Maureen & Eric's necks killing them both. Igor is distraught but has an idea. He waits until dawn knowing Dracula's asleep, lays out Eric & Maureen's bodies , and starts playing the organ. Lo & behold Maureen lifts her head followed a few seconds later by Eric. Igor is ecstatic at this & bursts into song.............''The Hills are alive with the sound of music''

2006-11-06 14:29:29 · 18 answers · asked by kev3753 1

what has seven letters, is greater than god, is more evil than the devil, poor people have it, rich people need it and if you eat it you will die...

2006-11-06 14:21:43 · 24 answers · asked by kjl_14 3

what's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute ?
the prostitute stops screwing you after you die !

2006-11-06 14:19:29 · 8 answers · asked by robsta 3

2006-11-06 14:06:33 · 25 answers · asked by pollywollydoda 3

A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter asks, "Are they twins?"

The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter. "I just can’t believe you got laid twice."

2006-11-06 14:04:43 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I need a few good jokes again! I rate all my answers! Please do the same!?
Id appreciate if you rated my question and others jokes..I need to find an awesome one. Please have some manors, I WILL rate every answer according to how I feel about them...Thumbs down if you dont give me what I need and answer anyway...No thumbs if I dont like the joke...Definit thumbs up if I like or love it! The best will get my over all choice, I use your opinion (thumbs) to deside! Thank you!!!
I have a few other open questions like this, I WILL go back and rate for the rest of the evening...On my first question about jokes, there is a joke about the CIA, I still cant handle reading it, it was too funny..would love it if you would take a peak at it, it will make your day women! Dont worry guys, you will like it too! Thank you, oh, take your time, I need gooood jokes! TYTY!

2006-11-06 14:04:14 · 10 answers · asked by Stacie 2

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
carried us.



They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.



Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored
lead-based paints.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
hitchhiking.


As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.



Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.



We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.



We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
actually died from this.



We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but
we weren't overweight because

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on.



No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.


We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no
99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell
phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang
the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't
had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They
actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers
and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!


And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

2006-11-06 13:55:14 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A friend brought over some fish for you. six had no heads, nine had no tails, and eight were cut in half. How many fish were there?

Please also explain HOW you got your answer.

2006-11-06 13:44:10 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have a nice quiet night ?

2006-11-06 13:41:47 · 11 answers · asked by mamabear 1

proveit it tome youre answer?!!!!

2006-11-06 13:32:31 · 12 answers · asked by killua 1

Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME.

Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LITTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT.

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

2006-11-06 13:08:27 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a dirty DUCK joke with sexual context would be ideal...ideal i say

2006-11-06 12:56:17 · 10 answers · asked by zigzagidiot 3

Man walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder.The barman asks where did you get that from.The frog replies it started as a boil on my ****.

2006-11-06 12:52:27 · 24 answers · asked by colin050659 6

if you dont find it as interesting as here you stay 4ever

2006-11-06 12:47:42 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. "This is the printing company. Your wedding announcements are ready"

9. "Hey, it's Christina Aguilera, did you get married or did I?"

8. "It's the printing company. Your annulment announcements are ready"

7. "Rush Limbaugh here. I'd love to try whatever you were taking the other night."

6. "So other than the embarrassing marriage and annulment, how was Vegas?"

5. "Hey, it's Paris. You don't need to get married to get attention. Just have sex on the internet."

4. "This is Kenny from high school. I have a couple of hours free on Thursday if you want to get married and divorced."

3. "Honey, it's Liza. Next time, instead of an annulment, hit him with a bottle."

2. "It's Jessica Simpson. Thanks for making me look like a genius."

1. "Pete Rose here. I bet 10,000 dollars on your marriage lasting a week"

2006-11-06 12:40:55 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous