Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-07 05:07:27 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

FUN
ANSWERING
MACHINE
MESSAGES


This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.



(Annoying flute music in background:) Good day, Agent 83.2. Your contact, Agent 33.5, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Agent 83.2.



(Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could.



(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...



This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is

2006-11-07 05:01:10 · 7 answers · asked by chris b 4

There was a 2 year old who was excited about her first day of taking a bath & not being washed in the sink. So, she asked "Mommy. I gonna take a 'baf' with you?" (She tried to say bath.) The mother said "Yes honey. Of course... but as long as you don't look down." The twin nodded her head.
A couple minutes into the bath time, the little one had dropped the soap and looked down to retrieve it. The mother hadn't noticed until she had said "Mommy. What that curly stuff in the tub? It look weird." Out of worry, the mother said "Oh... uh... its a garden sweety." The child said "Okay."
The next day, the kid took a bath with the father as the father said the same as the mother. The kid once again dropped the soap & asked "Daddy. What that long thing? It scary." The father, shocked, said it was a snake.
Later, the girl climbed in bed with mommy & daddy. When she awoke, she felt movement under the covers. So, curiously, she asked "Mommy. Why is daddy's snake in your garden?"

2006-11-07 04:58:51 · 10 answers · asked by Khamani says R.I.P. Sean Taylor 3

a couple had sex in the dark for 20yrs.. one day the wife turned on the light and saw he had a dildo & said EXPLAIN THE DILDO!!
he responded " EXPLAIN THE KIDS BITC*H"

2006-11-07 04:49:37 · 15 answers · asked by Lost 2

If you were tied up & couldn't move, could another female "force" you to laugh helplessly (even if you didn't want to) by tickling your bare feet? & why

2006-11-07 04:47:12 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

and one of them fell over, would somebody else make a sound??

2006-11-07 04:45:37 · 12 answers · asked by Andrew B 2

....all the sky was paper, and all the sea was ink, and all the trees were bread and cheese. What would we have to drink?

2006-11-07 04:40:09 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

"give it here"No it's mine" "let me have it" "its MY TURN" "you had it last" " F--K OFF" "come on gimme it" "NO WAY" simamese twins havein a w--k!!

2006-11-07 04:39:10 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I went out and got my standard box of donuts today and there were a bunch of folks getting ready to vote. Off to the side were some irate folks that were being challenged by men in suits. They appeared to be profiling Black and Hispanic males.

2006-11-07 04:26:22 · 6 answers · asked by Terry 7

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
"no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should
simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

2006-11-07 03:58:39 · 15 answers · asked by akelaamy 5

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.

2006-11-07 03:43:23 · 11 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

A duck waddles into a hardware store and up to the man behind the counter. The duck says "Hey, you got any paint?" The man at the counter replies "No, I'm sorry, we're all out of paint..."

The next day, the duck waddles back into the hardware store, right up to the same man behind the counter, and asks again, "Hey, you got any paint?" The man replies, "No, I'm sorry, we're all out of paint... I told you that yesterday..." So, the duck leaves.

The third day, the duck waddles back into the hardware store, right up to the same man, and asks again, "Hey, you got any paint?" This time, the man is irritated... "NO! We don't have any paint, we're all out! If you come in here tomorrow and ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor!!! We don't have any paint!!!"

The fourth day, the duck waddles back into the hardware store, up to the same man and asks "Hey, you got any nails?" The man replies "No, I'm sorry, we're all out." Then the duck asks, "Got and paint?"

Get it?

2006-11-07 03:36:05 · 12 answers · asked by just nate 4

The clue is:
Near a trolley, by golly, The Cougher will be.
Beneath a tower, hacking with power, The Cougher you'll see

2006-11-07 03:34:17 · 2 answers · asked by ♦♦pixiechix♦♦ 5

2006-11-07 03:31:22 · 12 answers · asked by legionmober 2

Sally likes soda very much.
At the local convenience store, for 5 empty soda bottles she receives a full bottle.
As part of the Girl Guide's recycling initiative, she manages to collect 77 empty bottles.
How many bottles of soda will she be able to drink in total?

2006-11-07 03:20:19 · 13 answers · asked by creskin 4

i do not know why the teacher wants a riddle but all i know is that we were reading a book that had funny riddles in it. she ask if our homework should be a riddle so we all said yes but i can't get one

2006-11-07 03:19:30 · 5 answers · asked by MARKOS KRUGER 5

Microsoft reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store music in women's breast implants.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

2006-11-07 03:18:28 · 39 answers · asked by Kevin J 5

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd.He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-lawfor providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope.He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride.(He had gotten suspicious of the two of themand hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F--- you !" he then turnedto the bride and said "F--- you !" and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said....."Thanks, I'm out of here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge:1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc....Ya gotta love this guy.

2006-11-07 03:16:04 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
The Teacher fainted.

2006-11-07 03:10:01 · 18 answers · asked by talkingformydog 4

The white owl says WHO WHO
And the black owl says WHO-DAT? WHO-DAT?

Ohhhh don't report me, that's funny!!! lol lol
I'm not racist, that's just a funny joke. :o)

2006-11-07 03:05:15 · 10 answers · asked by Joe Somebody 6

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked
to go fishing up inCanada with my boss and several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to
get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack
enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box?
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my
things up"
"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this
sounds a bit fishy
but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband
asked The following weekend he came home, a little tired but
otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he
caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill,
and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk
pajamas like I asked you to do?"


You'll love the answer...


The wife replied,
"I did. They're in your fishing box.....

2006-11-07 03:04:49 · 30 answers · asked by chantelle d 3

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast-bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? An Aitken's buttery? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow?

He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says. "It has really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something-a bowl of homemade soup, maybe, with (mmmm) a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says. "It has really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come tea time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She offers to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Maybe a red pudding or a steak pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved? Or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm starving!"

2006-11-07 02:39:00 · 13 answers · asked by Citizen 1

2006-11-07 02:37:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman had a boy in her lap. On being asked who he was she said..
His father is father-in-law of that person whose father is my father-in-law. find out the relationship between the woman and the boy.

2006-11-07 02:34:57 · 5 answers · asked by sunil m 1

2006-11-07 02:23:29 · 7 answers · asked by MojoMan 6

2006-11-07 02:03:11 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and billions of $ to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300c.......................

The Russians used a pencil.

2006-11-07 01:49:57 · 17 answers · asked by robsta 3

2006-11-07 01:41:59 · 14 answers · asked by bob v 2

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash

his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "





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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
----------------------




"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" !

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
----------------------




He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
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What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A Rumor
----------------------

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN
----------------------




Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
----------------------



How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

2006-11-07 01:32:52 · 34 answers · asked by chantelle d 3

I wll seek and find you and shall take you to bed to have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake, sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy and pray for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And when I am finished you will be weak at the knees for days.
All my love the












FLU. Now get your mind out of the gutter you lot and go have a flu jab!!!!!!

2006-11-07 01:30:21 · 18 answers · asked by Shredder 6